Nice Guys – 2nd post (sorry)

Just finished “Everyday Asperger’s” post on being sorry, Karma, and nice guys. There is a post I have been putting off writing as I felt it would just come off poorly. After watching the video “Nice Guys” Samantha had posed by that name, I feel “Karma” must be telling me to go ahead.  (As seen below, I, apparently, haven’t lost all of them).

Just a warning. I am single (read that as “Divorced” if you need a mental status as well), twice, actually. And, I have had a stroke, as well as turned 50 a couple of years ago (alright 4).

So, that being said, I have had my profile out on a few dating sites over the years. I won’t talk about my favorite, for the site’s sake, but it is large and I, very seldom, have anyone contact me.
From what I have read, most women (please set yourself outside this comment, if it is not true for you – but be honest with yourself) want the “bad boy” to go out with. Most all of the posts by women state: “Want nice guy”, “Want to be treated right”, “Want someone who understands”, paint the picture, take the snapshot, you understand? right? Nothing wrong with that at all…except the people I read about, the guys who go out the most, the ones who the ladies seem to look for are …drum roll…the “bad boys”. I understand, I really do…danger, mystery, all of that (hmm…the Hardy Boys are grown up now, ladies…), but the thing is that these guys don’t work out most of the time.

I read that from the women: “Tired of being mistreated”, “Tired of being looked upon as a sex object only”, “Tired…” again, you go it, I think.

Here’s the deal: the reason I haven’t written this one is that I figure everyone will say, “oh, he’s just bitter cuz his phone/email isn’t going all the time.” I will be real honest and say that, there are times…, but here’s what I do know…I changed my profile once to one full of held-back anger…I told the women what I thought and about who they seemed to want. Ladies, I tell you I got more hits on that profile in 1 week than in 2 years previously. I didn’t care for that, so I took it off.

My point is I have just been plain honest on my profile now. I wish all would; I wish we would all be real honest in everything. It would make things so much easier. You wouldn’t have to pick up the phone and try to figure out whether it was a scam or not; you wouldn’t have to avoid someone in the store because they talk to you for too long and you don’t have the time; just in general, life would be easier.

People would, actually, spend more time (quality, anyway) because when you were with someone, it would be cuz you wanted to be.

“The Intention of Lying” is a good movie for this…Just throwing that out there.  Trailer is Rated PG-13, so don’t let the Kiddies watch!

Last thing, then I will be done and feel great that this is, finally, off my chest and out in the open: It is really difficult to try to figure out who to send a date request to as well as who to simply ask out in person, not because they might say “no”; it gets difficult because many of you just don’t bother to answer at all (read/delete) or, perhaps even worse, you say, “maybe” with no intention of ever dealing with me again.

There I go; I know that had to sound like I am feeling sorry for myself, but I’m not. I have already talked to other guys and they have agreed.

Point here: Be honest. As Mark Twain said,

“I notice that nothing I never said ever caused me any trouble.”

and he said something to the effect of

“I tell the truth. That way I don’t have to keep track of all the lies.”

Now, that we have the same information, the option for the same perception, can I say “eye” to “eye”? Let’s continue our lives and try to be more honest and open.

Namaste, (Don’t be too rough on me with the comments….:-)
Scott

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Comments

  • Aspergers Girls  On April 9, 2012 at 3:54 pm

    Well done! For me, I had to go through the “bad” guys before I could appreciate the “good” guy. Even then, took me years to appreciate the “nice-ness.” For me, I know it was role modeling, media, insecurity, and the need to relive the drama of my childhood. Now, it would be nothing but nice guys, if I had to live over. But, since I can’t live it over, I can surely warn a lot of ladies out there. lol. Great honest post.

    Like

    • kindredspirit23  On April 9, 2012 at 4:12 pm

      Thanks, it did, indeed, weigh on me, both to write and to see it written. Glad it may well have helped. Glad it seems to be true for a lot of guys as well as women. I know there are a lot of very nice women out there; to all of you…hey! I am here! 🙂 Scott

      Like

  • Autumn  On April 7, 2012 at 7:29 pm

    There may be fewer differences than you imagine…just a variation on a theme. For the most part I have been blessed in my relationships. However, I don’t tolerate dishonesty or “bad boy” behavior and the one time it appeared, I pushed things to an extent that forced the lies to surface–although there was a personal price associated with that stubbornness. Although several friends have found partners through dating sites, my experience has been that many participants at minimum misrepresent themselves and that lies are not necessarily rare. It’s something I will never do again.

    Most of us have unrealistic expectations about love and relationships. We idealize what they should be and those ideals have little relationship to real life because ideals rarely allow for the wonderful messiness we experience in life. You are right about a need to be honest with ourselves. How many of us truly know what we want, let alone what we may need in order to build a healthy, lasting relationship (or if that’s what we even want)?

    Awareness that the assumptions being used are invalid is definitely a good place to start!

    Just a bit more ranting to add to yours 🙂

    Like

    • kindredspirit23  On April 7, 2012 at 7:53 pm

      The rantings are appreciated. I have grown to the point that I “push” (your word) on dishonesty now and other problems, perhaps, too much, but it works. I have come to think that many may perceive me as too honest in what I choose to have in a relationship now. Grayness is not something I care for (not talking about hair color). When someone gets vague, now, I call them on it. Before, I saw that as something that “kept us together” because we didn’t deal with it; well, now I simply deal with it. I have decided that a relationship that you have to skitter around isn’t a very good relationship. We have come a long way, haven’t we?
      Keep in touch.

      Like

  • Soma Mukherjee  On April 7, 2012 at 12:02 am

    Yes you did give a fair warning 😆
    you are so right I think 99% people are so damn confused they don’t know what they want from themselves let alone what they want in others..( talking about the girls)
    they write/saysomething and will secretly wish for something else..I had this friend who would ask me to choose between 2 dress or earrings or shoes and then would cross her fingers so that i chose the one she liked..i mean if you liked that one why not choose it yourself..
    Most of my friends do not consider me a ‘woman’ well they do have good reasons,i dont like shopping,dont have hundreds of dresses and matching shoes,dont nail paint…OMG is this a truth day.!!
    you are doing the right thing Scott whats the point of lying about something when you clearly wouldnt be comfortable in that and as for the ladies who dont get it…what can i say..stupidity rules
    they will go with bad boys and then howl their heart out in nights…
    You are great just the way you are and you will get someone…may be she is there and you have not noticed cos you too are expecting something different…may be …please dont get me wrong but it does happen we do have a wish list and sometimes the right person is so near us and we miss cos we didnt give him/her that chance may be they are better than our wish list may be not ..
    try out asking someone who doesnt fit your ususal dates profiles..you never know

    Like

    • kindredspirit23  On April 7, 2012 at 7:38 am

      Thanks so much. It is interesting. Hearing that from you is very uplifting. Family and friends have said similar things, but having someone I do not yet know well say it is very helpful.
      I am working on asking out women a bit different from what I normally do. I am not asking the ladies to do this on the sites or if I know them; I simply want people to deal more with each other through the truth. I had my friend read this last night and he said yes, this is what we talk about. Women are, for the most part, in my humble opinion, wonderful. I think (I know) that you all have issues just like we do…only different. If we could just set our issues aside and buy our magazines together…

      Like

  • Linda  On April 6, 2012 at 6:02 pm

    Bravo for your honesty. I have known you enough years, through the good times and the opposite, and I believe you have been honest enough with me during that time to know that what you are saying is absolutely true of your experience.

    So, maybe I need to take more time to reflect on this but sometimes that leads to lack of honesty, so let’s just blurt it out anyway and see where it leads.

    I have a history of relationships with people who haven’t been good for me, as you know, Scott. Usually addicts of one form or another, not necessarily apparent when I first met them but apparent very soon and yet I still hung on in there. I’ve allowed myself to be treated with various forms of neglect, inconsideration and abuse (although not physical) and carried on “wishing and hoping he’d change”. Which is the sub-title of the classic book on this subject “Women Who Love Too Much” by Robin Norwood. It’s old but paints a very accurate portrait of the type of woman you are describing. I know because I was one of them for a lot of years and still can fall back into some of it. I never intentionally set out to attract this type of guy, and consciously didn’t want that type of relationship, but it was what I continued to get and stay with, despite my better judgement. You are right, I always found these bad boys the most sexually attractive. So, what changed, if it has changed?

    Now, this is where I do need to take breath and reflect. I have been in my present relationship for 7 years. It’s not perfect (what relationship is) and we’ve come through some very serious challenges, but generally I am content with my lot and fulfilled in my life. I think the difference is that now I look to God to meet my needs much more than my husband and God doesn’t disappoint. This seems to be straying far from the subject but I guess what I’m arriving at is that once we have a greater sense of security in ourselves (and in my case that has come through giving my life to God, but could be different for others) then somehow we start to want a different type of relationship, not only consciously but more importantly, unconsciously. We respect ourselves more and we don’t settle for crumbs or are attracted to people who will reflect our own low self-esteem.

    So, to finish as I’m not sure where this is going, I guess I’m hoping that one day a woman who is secure in herself will see you for the beautiful, reliable, spiritual, funny, intelligent man that you are and will see past your physical difficulties etc. She will value your honesty, rather than run from it, and will be honest enough to take her mask off, too. I know you have thought in the past sometimes that you have found this, but very few of us are more healed than not and probably none of us completely until God completes his handiwork…. Let’s end while the going is good. I love you!

    Like

    • kindredspirit23  On April 7, 2012 at 7:40 am

      Linda, I love all that you said here. I will try not to muck it up by commenting too much. You and I have never met, but I have known you now for about 8 years, I think, only through emails / posts. What a wonderful friendship it has been/ is! Thank you for it all.
      I love you, too,
      Scott

      Like

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