Once again, Sam comes to my rescue.She had a wonderful post today (see link)
http://aspergersgirls.wordpress.com/2012/04/08/day-71-i-had-a-dream/
and it helped me to see what I needed to write about.
This is difficult for me as I don’t usually share this with people I don’t know. So, I will simply have to consider all of you good friends.
No more “buts”; I need to tell the story…
My life of depression began when I was very young. I won’t go into that all right now (perhaps in bits later). What I will say is that, when I was in my marital mess and forward, I was one depressed guy! I began on Prozac a long time ago and have gone through different meds over the years. Things are a bit different now and mostly I work with my BP and diabetes, though I have something for sleep and something for anxiety (which has lessened also due to my new thinking). But the story that Sam brought forth from me with her post was when I worked in computers in the county courthouse…
I was raging inside and needed to find something to keep me going…
I was having problems and knew something had to be done, but, as usual, I was putting thing off hoping they would solve themselves. I was falling apart and didn’t really know where to turn; the world was becoming tighter and darker and I was beginning to spin at the center.
As I sat in the meeting, about a dozen people from different departments around a table discussing the upcoming changes and so forth, I realized that 1) I was going to be in charge of all these changes, and 2) I had no idea what they were even talking about. I felt empty and realized that I had entered that “Peter Principle” area – I was now promoted to my point of ineffectiveness. I was going to fail and, the way my heart and soul felt, I was going to die while I was at it.
As I sat there, all sound suddenly faded out; you could not hear anything above a whisper in the room. From the air, I distinctly hear a loud, booming voice. I had just finished the thought that
“I do not know what I am doing,” when the voice boomed out,
“Then why are you still here?” I remember nothing about the rest of the meeting. That was a Friday; I resigned the following Monday.
I had no other job; no other income. My Dad/Mom were letting me stay with them as I was having a lot of trouble staying by myself right then. I looked for regular work, was sent away by a collections manager who said I was “too nice” and I couldn’t find anything else.
My aunt called that night and said, “Check the front page of the Anderson paper.” I did, saw an article on TIP – Teachers who are in transition from another career, and I was off and going back to school.
That was nearly a decade ago. A very lot has happened, most of it seemed bad at the time; however, as I look at it now, it has served to bring me to where I am in life and with God.
God is in control. All we have to do is listen and follow the instructions.
I can’t complain; I am more loving and more of a wonderful person than I was back then. I look forward to each day now, and I enjoy them.
Namaste,
Scott
Kindredspirit23's Blog 
Comments
I am so light-filled and joy-filled that the words I type can help you write your own story. Thank you for the gift of you. Blessings 🙂 Sam
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You are light-filled and joy-filled. I can tell that from your writing; what a circle! Scott
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Thanks once a again for taking the risk to be totally honest. I think we first “met” not so very long after you made this decision. You had not long ago embarked on training for your new career. I remember how much I admired your courage then and that respect has only grown over the years.
I’m just reflecting on all the times in my life when I have ignored that voice, maybe because it wasn’t quite so booming as yours, but I’ve heard it and chosen to carry on for all kinds of reasons. It has never worked and it has just taken me a lot more pain to get to the inevitable point. If I had listened sooner, things may have improved more quickly, but it takes what it takes. I try these days to actively seek that voice all the time, before I reach crisis point and can no longer ignore it.
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And, as you seek that voice, I have my explanation as to why you sound so much happier and satisfied in your emails. You have grown, Linda, by leaps and bounds, too. Scott
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You know me well, Linda. I was just rereading the post and, well, what had I to say there wasn’t as personal as a lot of other things I could have said. It just seemed so then. Amazing…perspective, again!
Perhaps, it was to help me so that I can share much deeper with my new (several hundred) friends.
Feels good.
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