Thinking thoughts about thinking

Looking Forward, Thinking Back
Scott L Vannatter – 4-19-2012

Hospital done, life moving, changes abound
I look ahead as I think back.

Mistakes made while body sound
I look ahead as I think back.

Mind grows stronger, thoughts come round
I look ahead as I think back.

Changes move through, a new life is found
I look ahead as I think back.

I smile when to bed I lay down
I look ahead but sleep right now.

I have been thinking about thoughts (there’s one for the books). I was thinking of how I have always gone through life by the seat of my pants, always was worried about what would happen if I did this or that, as well as what would happen if I didn’t. I was in a constant state of turmoil.

It was just a matter of time before I “locked up” and had the stroke.

Seriously, the stroke was a matter of time, all depending on how quickly I decided to push myself that one more time past what I could.

I was living a life in which, not only was I always trying to catch up with myself, but I was also always putting myself second.

So, I was thinking about thoughts… The stroke changed mine (literally). People have a somewhat difficult time understanding that, so let me restate it from a computer point of view.

Our brain is a lot like a computer.

Anyone who has owned and operated a computer for more than a year knows that viruses and garbage attempt to fill it up. Now, the computer can only work as well as its system can. It will always work to its maximum ability, but that can be compromised by a lot of things. Call these things “filters” in the human brain.

Filters catch a lot of bad stuff, but, in our brains, they can cause behavior to be poor.

You were taught to be a gentleman or lady; you were taught to be polite; so on and so forth. Each of these is a filter. Before you act, speak, or even think that final thought leading to action or speech, your brain puts that initial thought through all your filters. What comes out at the end is your best shot in this case.

Sometimes, these filters are fine; other times, you were taught wrong or learned incorrectly. Example: an abusive parent teaches his/her child that it is okay for the child to be hit if they do wrong and they are always wrong.

So, put together a few hundred of these filters and you can have a complete mess = me (no abuse, just messes and misunderstandings).

The stroke literally reboots (see computer) your brain and all of the filters are removed (pathways changed). I said, did, thought whatever I wanted and nothing inside me stopped it (Sis tried to, thank goodness). Anyway, I had to relearn a great many of these. In doing this, I thought about thoughts again and did not relearn a lot of poorly learned filters.

The result is someone who, I think, is fairly well-rounded and more well-adjusted to what life is throwing. I still do dumb things (see yesterday’s post), but, all in all, I feel good about me most of the time and do and say more of what I choose to; I am not held back by so many worries (I don’t have a whole lot of them anymore) and it surprises people. Heck, it surprises me!

Sometimes, though I can’t think of it any other way, which is the biggest change. That old Scott is, basically, a stranger to me, yet my best friend. We work well together (as long as he lets me run things!).

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  • Aspergers Girls  On April 25, 2012 at 2:51 pm

    Wonderful poem. Excellent analogy. 🙂


    • kindredspirit23  On April 25, 2012 at 3:18 pm

      Thank you for that. It always does me good to here positive statements about my poetry. When it comes from you or Soma, it is especially so. Scott


  • magsx2  On April 20, 2012 at 3:29 pm

    I am sorry to hear about your stroke.
    I really loved your poem, and the thought that you put into it, very nice.
    I saw your comment on Soma’s blog, and thought I would check your blog out as well, I’m glad I did, a wonderful read. 🙂


    • kindredspirit23  On April 20, 2012 at 5:23 pm

      Thank you for your thoughts on my stroke and for the compliment on my poem.
      I have rediscovered my love for poetry and intend to do much more. This is thanks to the compliments from all the people on my posts and from Soma, especially. She has become a dear friend.


  • Soma Mukherjee  On April 19, 2012 at 10:10 pm

    Loved it, the poetry is beautiful and what a lovely message this post carries…
    Scott you are a lovely heart 🙂


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