Friday Fictioneers – 09/22/2012 – Memorial

*Note- since I put another post up today until 10am, I will not change this one until Sunday morning.

Friday Fictioneers – September 21, 2012

“I don’t understand, Dad.” They stared at the three-winged statue on the dock.

“Jimmy, I simply want you to try.”

“Okay, Listening.”

“There was a story of maidens who flew here from stars to have children.  They stayed until birth.  They would take girls back. Boys were forbidden on their planet.  Some killed the child; others flew angrily away.  They were fierce, and beautiful.  Their weakness was sunlight.”  He looked at his son.  The little boy shuffled, then brightened.

“I see!  This statue is to remember them.”

“No,” said George sadly.  “This statue is your mother.  She wouldn’t leave you.”

Namaste,

Scott

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Comments

  • dmmacilroy  On September 26, 2012 at 5:32 am

    Best of the bunch this week. Nuff said.

    Aloha,

    Doug

    Like

  • Lora Mitchell  On September 24, 2012 at 4:15 pm

    Hi Scott, I hate to choose since it’s my photo prompt, but your story fits in as one of my overall favorites. Love the surprise ending. Nice job.

    Like

    • kindredspirit23  On September 24, 2012 at 4:45 pm

      Well, I wish you could know how much that totally thrills me and makes my day! Thank you for letting me know. It reinforces my love of writing.
      Scott

      Like

  • Madison Woods  On September 22, 2012 at 9:46 am

    Great story with a strong reveal, my favorite kind 🙂

    Like

  • rochellewisoff  On September 21, 2012 at 8:28 pm

    Nice story…loved the surprise ending.

    Like

  • boomiebol  On September 21, 2012 at 5:25 pm

    Awww…this is just beautiful.

    Like

    • kindredspirit23  On September 21, 2012 at 5:26 pm

      Thank you. I actually enjoyed writing it. I love to twist things and love is so nice to write about.
      Scott

      Like

  • Ilyan Kei Lavanway  On September 21, 2012 at 4:02 pm

    This is superb story telling! Absolutely beautiful, emotional, and imaginative. M. Night Shyamalan would be jealous!

    http://ebooksscifi.wordpress.com/2012/09/21/unnatural-selection-copyright-2012-ilyan-kei-lavanway/

    Like

  • elmowrites  On September 21, 2012 at 3:10 pm

    Aww, heartbreaking story. The first sentence of Dad’s long paragraph is a little hard to follow (“flew HERE from THE stars” maybe?) but the ending is smooth and powerful.
    I’m over here; http://elmowrites.wordpress.com/2012/09/21/friday-fiction-breaking-the-backs-of-angels/#comment-2116

    Like

    • kindredspirit23  On September 21, 2012 at 4:23 pm

      I didn’t like that one and had it different (it actually said, “flew from the stars to become with child”) but the 100 word constraint (which I try to hold to rigidly) kept that one down.
      Thanks for the comment,
      Scott

      Like

    • rich  On September 21, 2012 at 5:46 pm

      yeah, just add “here” and that should do it.

      Like

      • kindredspirit23  On September 21, 2012 at 5:52 pm

        hmm…I will look then I have to remove a word, much harder.

        Like

        • rich  On September 21, 2012 at 5:57 pm

          one word? piece o’ cake.

          Like

        • kindredspirit23  On September 21, 2012 at 6:00 pm

          I actually did it and changed the post. It looks better. Thanks! The problem in the beginning was the story had 217 words and I had to work it down to 100.
          🙂
          Scott

          Like

        • rich  On September 21, 2012 at 5:58 pm

          change “he looked at his son” to “he looked at jimmy.” there’s one word.

          Like

        • kindredspirit23  On September 21, 2012 at 6:00 pm

          Wow that would have been another one!

          Like

        • rich  On September 21, 2012 at 5:59 pm

          but if “son” in vital, then change it to “looking at his son” instead of “he looked at his son.”

          Like

        • kindredspirit23  On September 21, 2012 at 6:01 pm

          Yes, that, too! See what you think of what I did do. I changed a word (deleted) in the next sentence.

          Like

        • rich  On September 21, 2012 at 6:08 pm

          hard to compare without the “before,” but it is still a heart-warming scene. you mentioned sunlight as their weakness. did sunlight petrify her? if not, then it might not be important to mention. also, if they treasured the girls enough to take them back, maybe not “take.” it sounds harsh, like taken against their will. maybe “escorted.” it sounds more like they were proud to bring the girls back.

          Like

        • kindredspirit23  On September 21, 2012 at 6:15 pm

          Thought about both of those. The girls were treasured, but I felt the fathers, probably, thought it as more of a “take”. The sunlight was to have petrified her, but I left it a little open so people could run with it a bit. Thanks for the compliment. Just shows how much can be done even to 100 words.
          Scott

          Like

        • elmowrites  On September 21, 2012 at 6:48 pm

          Good job on the change – I can’t remember the version before exactly but you’ve made it make a lot more sense to me. LIke you say, so much can be done with (and then to) 100 words, and I share your enthusiasm for sticking to the limit.

          Like

        • kindredspirit23  On September 21, 2012 at 8:58 pm

          Good! That helps me stick to it.

          Like

  • sustainabilitea  On September 21, 2012 at 1:55 pm

    Good job both of portraying the love and of having the twist at the end.

    Like

  • Soma Mukherjee  On September 21, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    brilliant both the lovely heartwarming tale of mothers love and a lovely thriller..

    Like

  • susielindau  On September 21, 2012 at 11:21 am

    There is nothing as strong as a mother’s love. Great post about sacrifice Scott!

    Like

  • Rev Dani Lynn  On September 21, 2012 at 10:59 am

    Intriguing. – Thanks for sharing.

    Like

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