Friday Fictioneers

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Taking the Bus

Friday Fictioneers 10/19/12 (Two Versions)

Ken waited until the bus doors were shutting before he ran up and pounded on the glass.

“Thanks,” he told the driver as he gave his ticket.

He sat and glanced at the people riding with him.  Several older people, a couple of fat guys, some kids, and their mothers.  “Perfect,” he thought.  He waited about two miles into the desert before he stood up and pulled his guns.

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is a holdup!”

All eyes fastened on him, deep red and glowing.  All moved toward him.

“Shit! Wrong bus!”  was all he had time for before shooting.

***** Number Two **********

Ken waited until the bus doors were shutting before he ran up and pounded on the glass.

“Thanks,” he told the driver as he gave his ticket.

He sat and glanced at the people riding with him.  Several older people, a couple of fat guys, some kids, and their mothers.  “Perfect,” he thought.  He waited about two miles into the desert before he stood up and pulled his guns.

“Holdup, Folks!  Stay Calm!”

One of the fat dudes raised a .38 and shot Ken in the forehead.

He stumbled back, and then stood, eyes red and glowing.

“I said, ‘calm’.”

_____

Namaste,

Scott

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Comments

  • writeondude  On October 20, 2012 at 5:37 am

    I’ll take the first one, but given the nature of the story would have preferred a more visceral ending. However, I appreciate that you’re already spot on 100 words and would have to rip out something else! Good piece.

    Like

    • kindredspirit23  On October 20, 2012 at 8:20 am

      If your imagination is anything like mine, the story didn’t stop with him starting to shoot or with him saying, “I said calm.”
      lol

      Like

    • kindredspirit23  On October 20, 2012 at 8:23 am

      Speaking of visceral – check out my poem for today – “The Dead of Night”

      Like

  • Paul  On October 19, 2012 at 10:59 pm

    I think I prefer the first one. But I’d have a problem if I really had to choose.

    Like

    • kindredspirit23  On October 20, 2012 at 1:08 am

      My favorite is the first one, but I couldn’t leave the second one out as it seemed to make the scenario incomplete!
      Scott

      Like

  • rich  On October 19, 2012 at 10:34 pm

    “i said calm.” that’s great. like that a lot.

    Like

  • Lora  On October 19, 2012 at 9:33 pm

    I like both but if I had to choose, it would be the 2nd one. The last line…made me chuckle. Nice work.

    Like

    • kindredspirit23  On October 19, 2012 at 10:28 pm

      Glad to hear it. Personally, I could just see the smile on his face when he said it and said it quietly.

      Like

  • Cindy Marsch  On October 19, 2012 at 2:02 pm

    That’s pretty fun making variations on a theme. I like it!

    Here’s mine: http://wrasselings.blogspot.com/2012/10/friday-fictioneers-day-trip.html

    Like

  • bridgesareforburning  On October 19, 2012 at 11:12 am

    Hi Scott,
    Had a hard time choosing my favorite. They’re both great. If I had to choose, I think I like the first one because it leaves a little more to the imagination. ron

    Like

    • kindredspirit23  On October 19, 2012 at 6:39 pm

      I agree. I simply had to include the second one; something was missing without the thought.
      Scott

      Like

  • Russell  On October 19, 2012 at 11:05 am

    I’m glad you gave us a choice. A third option would be the fat guy reveals he’s wearing a thong and Ken commits suicide.

    Like

    • kindredspirit23  On October 19, 2012 at 6:40 pm

      Never thought of that one! Hmm…perhaps, in the future…
      Scott

      Like

    • Lora  On October 19, 2012 at 9:32 pm

      Russell…Haha…the fat guy is wearing a thong…LOL. Thanks for the chuckle.

      Like

  • elmowrites  On October 19, 2012 at 10:08 am

    The thing about zombies, I never see them coming. Even with halloween just around the corner! Both versions surprised me, but I think #2 is my favourite. “shit, wrong bus” just felt a little flat for a guy who is confronted with a busload of the undead.

    Like

  • boomiebol  On October 19, 2012 at 9:54 am

    I like them both…very well done. Guess you can never underestimate the people you ride on buses with.

    Thanks so much for stopping by mine

    Like

  • Abraham  On October 19, 2012 at 7:49 am

    I prefer the first one too 🙂 though both are good!

    Like

  • Jan Brown  On October 19, 2012 at 5:00 am

    In number one, I hope he was shooting silver bullets! I liked number two better; I always enjoy a humorous ending (even a painful one), perhaps because wish I could write more humor myself.

    Like

  • rochellewisoff  On October 19, 2012 at 4:47 am

    Think I liked the first version best, Scott. I think in that second he reconsidered his life of crime…oops…too late. Don’t guess pulling that trigger was going to help him much, eh?
    Thanks for your comments and support.

    Like

  • Sandra  On October 19, 2012 at 4:26 am

    They were both good Scott, though on balance I think there was a bit of poetic justice in the first one. The second was funny though… 🙂

    Like

  • tedstrutz  On October 19, 2012 at 3:16 am

    Two for the price of one… That’s fun. I liked both… the second a bit more, I think. Glad I came to visit…

    Like

  • Soma Mukherjee  On October 19, 2012 at 2:08 am

    fantastic loved both the versions…first one more..Scott you are such a good story weaver…glad you joined ff

    Like

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Philosophy is all about being curious, asking basic questions. And it can be fun!

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