I Begin to Know Myself

I have  no idea how this blog is going to flow.  Usually, I try my best to work it out, have an idea, and stick to that schedule.  I have done some of that.  However, I am tired and I know that will affect it.  But, here goes:

Today, I read two articles.  They are below.  You don’t have to read them.  They are good, but I just wanted you to know where my thoughts gathered.  These articles added to all the stuff I have been feeling and going through for months.


Maintaining Your Identity in a  Relationship

What People Need to Know to have Great First-time Sex

As I read these two articles, I realized part of why I haven’t been dating or gotten back into any type of permanent relationship.  Now, there are a lot of reasons, but try these on:

1)  I am afraid of losing myself in the relationship.

2)  I am afraid I am not good enough.

Before I get into this, I want to thank one particular blog for helping me:

August McLaughlin   You, dear lady, have helped me through your posts to say things I felt I needed to say.  You know those comments.  I treasure the certainty that I felt when making those on your blog because I knew they would be accepted.

Nearly all of you out there in blog land have helped me to feel more confident and able to speak out freely over the last 16 or so months.  Thank you.  I have grown and this is one of the products of that growth.

Now, some people who might read this post are going to be angry with me.  They are going to be angry simply because I mention that I don’t think you have to be in a marriage to have a full-time relationship.  I don’t think that sex is valid only in marriage.  ( I can hear the screams now ) – (too bad)

It’s a bit difficult for me to write like this because I don’t know who is reading my posts.  I have friends and family who would be appalled at the above statements.  It helps me to understand what many gay and lesbian people go through when they believe they have to not tell their friends and family that they are the way they are.

This is precisely the reason I decided to go ahead and talk about it all.  I should not have to be afraid to say who I am and what I feel and what I believe.  I am not hurting anyone; I am just stating facts.  If those facts hurt, then you are allowing that; I didn’t do it.  There’s enough there for many self-help books and the reason statement 1 bothers me a lot.

1)  I am afraid of losing myself in the relationship.

In the past, I have chosen rather strong women as the females in my relationships.  Not all, but a lot.  What happens then is that I begin right off doing whatever I can do to please them.  In other words: I lose myself.  I become them.

This is a bad thing.  There is no real upside here.  If you get lost in a relationship, you will get to the point in which you no longer enjoy it.  Something will cause you to want to see it end.  You may bring that about directly or indirectly.  The other person may well not like you always doing things for them.  They may feel as if they have nothing to offer you and become uninterested too.  Whatever happens, the relationship is going to hurt and, without help, it will fall apart.  Bad thing is that a lot of relationships fall apart, but never end…they just stay together “for the kids” or “because you promised”, whatever.

Sex, on the other hand, is a hot topic that makes a lot of people uneasy.  Part of what bothers me is that many people do two things during sex.  One is that they don’t ask for what they need and get mad when they don’t get it.  Two is that they are seldom willing to give what they are asked to give and then don’t understand when the other person is upset they didn’t get it.  There is, usually, both of these going on at the same time from both people.  It makes for a messy, nasty time when it should be wonderful and sharing and giving and loving.  I am fairly open to a lot of ideas and thoughts and different things when two people are alone sharing sex.  I have always preferred the term “making love” but, more and more, I am realizing that it doesn’t have to be that so much as just care and consideration between two people who wish to be that close.

If it’s a “conquest” for you, then it won’t work.  If it’s something you feel you “have” to do, then it won’t work.  If I have to explain either of those statements, then no wonder you are having problems.

Back to me before I stop here.  I have kept myself a bit held back in regards to both sex and relationships.  They haven’t happened and haven’t worked well because I am afraid.  Those two fears mentioned above are kill joys.  They will completely decimate affection, love, and enjoyment.  They are what I am thinking about now and I believe I am on my way to an answer.  It will just take time.

What do you think about any / all of this?



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  • Larry  On June 20, 2013 at 3:51 pm

    P.S. read up on the topic of “enmeshment” and learn how to maintain your own identity while still being in a relationship.


  • Larry  On June 20, 2013 at 3:46 pm

    I bet the woman is feeling much like you, Scott, even if she doesn’t voice it. First, i would say start your relationship with the woman outside the bed and bedroom!!!! Build a strong foundation first and talk about what is on your minds. discuss what you hope for in a relationship, including the sex. Do you want things she doesnt want/want to do? Or vice versa? are you at least on the same page or does one of you expect more experimentation than the other? whatever the answer is, if youre not basically on the same page youll likely have trouble. Second, i suspect you and she are both worried about performance. Have you heard of Sensate Focus exercises? Read about them. If the foundation of your friendship/relationship is firmly in place, the next obvious step to learning about each other is through senate focus exercises. From there satisfying sex should follow.


    • kindredspirit23  On June 20, 2013 at 5:53 pm

      Thanks, Larry – great comment – I will have to think a lot on that; you have provided a lot of info.


  • rheath40  On June 20, 2013 at 1:38 pm

    I think sex is all about communication. To truly feel ‘everything’ you must give and receive physically, emotionally and spiritually.

    I don’t believe you have to be in a relationship to have sex. But I do believe to have incredible sex, you have to feel ‘something’ besides the physical.

    As for ‘losing’ yourself, don’t. Keep part of you separate. Whether it be friends, hobby or other interest. While we become enmeshed in someone else, we can’t lose ourselves. Sometimes we’re all we’ve got.



  • August McLaughlin  On June 20, 2013 at 12:23 pm

    I’m touched that my blog has been helpful to you, Scott! I always appreciate your honest, insight. Huge kudos for this post. 🙂

    You’ve raised some incredibly important points. I’ve found that when fear and insecurity have been prevalent at the start of a relationship, they eventually become/take over the relationship. I’ve met the best partners when I’m happy in my own life, and usually not seeking or desperate for intimate connections.

    You’re so right about the problems that derive from a lack of communication, and I agree that marriage isn’t necessary for a happy, committed relationship. I’ve learned not to judge others’ relations, or what makes them happy. If it works, hooray! The world needs more love and passion.


  • lazylauramaisey  On June 20, 2013 at 2:57 am

    This was a brave thing to discuss. Good on you.


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