Better Marriage – by Divorcees

Do these guys look like divorce material?

Being divorced has, often, given me some insight into seeing the problems others may face in marriage or remarrying.  This article tells several things that divorced couples say they would do different.  Here is a quoted section from the article  ” http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/5-secrets-to-a-happy-marriage–revealed-by-divorce.html  ” .

1. Money. Over the course of her research, one the biggest surprises for Orbuch was the role money played in marital strife. “Many divorced singles say that money was the number one source of conflict in the early years of marriage,” she tells Yahoo! Shine. She also found that, “6 out of 10 said they would not share living expenses in their next relationship.” She recommends that each partner evaluate their own approach to spending and saving money and discuss with their spouse early on. She says there is no one-size-fits-all-financial plan, but couples need to determine their own rules and adhere to them. 

Related: How much Wedding will $20,000 Buy?

 2. Affection. Another surprise was that men crave affection—but not necessarily sex—more than women. “It’s counterintuitive,” says Orbuch, “but men crave feeling special and being noticed by their wives.” She adds that men who report not getting enough nonsexual affection were twice as likely to ask for a divorce, but the reverse was not true for women. “Women are fortunate. We get this kind of affirmation from more people in our lives, our mothers, children, our best friends”—so women tend to need less from husbands.  She recommends carving out time for regular cuddling, kissing, hand holding, and saying “I love you.”

3. Blame. “When divorced couples found fault with their relationship using ‘we’ statements, they were significantly more likely to find love than those who used ‘I’ or ‘you’ statements.” Those who found blame in factors such as being incompatible or too young experienced less anxiety, insomnia, and depression than those who blamed their former partner or themselves for a break-up. Examine what went wrong in the relationship instead of assigning individual blame, suggests Orbuch, and think about how you can resolve conflict better next time. 

4. Communication. Orbuch says a trap many couples fall into is “maintenance” rather than true communication. She suggests having a “10 minute rule” every day when you, “Talk to your partner about something other than work, the relationship, the house, or the children.” The key is revealing something about yourself and learning something about your spouse. “Forty-one percent of divorced people say they would change their communication style,” says Orbuch,“and, 91% of happily married couples say they know their partner intimately.”

5. Move on. Letting go of the past is a key to being in a happy relationship. This is true for people who are currently married as well as those seeking love. If you are irked by thoughts of your partner’s old boyfriend or girlfriend or of a fight that happened weeks ago, you might not be interacting in a healthy, positive way. “That animosity prevents you from being fully present,” says Orbuch. She also points out that people who felt neutral toward their ex were significantly more likely to find love after a divorce. If you can’t let go of your anger, her book outlines a number of exercises including writing a detailed letter to the person you are angry at—and burning it. 

______________________

So, what do you think?  I agree with these 5 points very strongly and see that I didn’t follow them well during my marriages.

Namaste,

Scott

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Comments

  • Kate is  On August 5, 2013 at 9:24 pm

    I have never been married, but I do have divorced friends and I agree with them, though things are always more complicated beneath the surface. The last one – move on, in particular seems to be something hard to do. I heard once that two people shouldn’t get divorced until everything had been worked out and they could walk away at least acquaintances who had shared something together.

    Like

    • kindredspirit23  On August 6, 2013 at 1:53 am

      Sometimes, it works; other times, it is pretty much impossible.
      It mostly depends on the reasons for the divorce and the makeup of the two people. When you are upset enough to decide to leave each other, it is very hard to say “well, we can still get along well enough to part amicably.”
      Nice theory ruined by an ugly fact.

      Like

      • Kate is  On August 6, 2013 at 5:07 am

        True. I have never been through one, but I think I want people to behave better than they do 🙂 particularly if they have kids.

        Like

        • kindredspirit23  On August 6, 2013 at 2:41 pm

          And that is a wonderful thought. Please keep it to remember when/if (but hope not) you ever end up going through one.
          I will say that my first wife and I did manage to get along for almost two years after and now seem to be getting along again.
          Things change and I have gained much by learning why I am more responsible for the divorce than I would have thought.
          Just looking at who you were then and how attractive/unattractive that might have been to that specific other person really brings you to light.

          Like

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