Looking Life in the Eye and Really Seeing It…

Read this post to get where I got my thoughts… 4Am Writer: Life Without a Mom

Okay, now…I visit Dad in the nursing home 5 nights a week from about 8:15pm-12:30am or so, whenever he falls asleep or I have to leave…because 3 days a week I take Mom to see Dad at dialysis.  We go to see him at 10am, then eat at Cracker Barrel, then do some errands, see Dad leave dialysis about 3pm, then back to the nursing home.  Mom goes in for awhile and I go home, nap, eat, then go to see Dad.

Interesting life from the person who didn’t much care for his Dad until lately.  It isn’t that I didn’t like him; I just didn’t see him much and we didn’t talk much.  As it is, we don’t talk much now.  Dad enjoys watching sports and I sit there, looking at the TV sometimes, commenting or listening to him, and I watch the tablet – poker, Facebook, CBS, NBC, whatever…

He seems to like just having me sit there.  I am told that nearly every night, about 15 minutes after I leave him sound asleep, he calls for the night person, to get him something or other.  I think he is just lonely then and wants to see someone else.

I visit Dad and I sit there and we just know each other is in the room.  Tonight, however (Saturday),  there was no ballgame on, no real sports at all, so, … we talked for awhile.

We still don’t have much to say.  A lot of it is Dad retelling me jokes and stories for the millionth time.  But, he doesn’t remember that he has told me, and, frankly, it does me good to hear them again.  Cause someday, someday maybe soon, he won’t be around to tell them and I will have to remember them.  I should write them down, but I won’t.  I don’t do things like that often.  I will just have to hope I remember them enough to pass them on.

Realizing that, someday, his life will be a sketchy memory because Mom, Sis, and I will be gone, is a bit unsettling.  I am not ready to go.  Ever since the stroke in ’10 I don’t really fear death, but I am not in a hurry to see it either.  I have a lot I want to do.  Some of it is just beginning to materialize and I am sorry for that.  I kinda wish I had started on some things earlier, but I guess we are all that way, too.

Well, Kate Johnston, author of 4amwriter, look what your post inspired.  Thanks…I need to say all of this.  I will need to say more, I imagine.  Life is always asking us to do things – this one will be eternally on the net soon…

Namaste,

Scott

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Comments

  • Indira  On November 22, 2015 at 1:09 am

    The problem is until we get to their age we can’t understand how they feel. About life, death or loneliness. You are a good son, caring so much for them.

    Liked by 1 person

  • A Star on the Forehead  On November 18, 2015 at 12:27 pm

    Hi Scott, I think it is wonderful the way you care for your parents. I couldn’t help but get emotional reading this, and Kate’s post. On Saturday I dropped my mother off at JFK for her flight to Brazil, and lately every time I say good bye after one of her visits I am plagued with the thought that perhaps this is the last time I see her. I try to ward off those feelings, but it terrifies me the thought of losing my parents (Mom is 80 and dad is 78), yet I know it will come and I try to be prepared for it. In the meantime I do all I can to provide them with comfort and love now, so there will be no regrets later.
    You are a good person and a good son, I am proud of you! 🙂
    Many blessings!

    Liked by 1 person

    • kindredspirit23  On November 18, 2015 at 8:40 pm

      Well, thank you. I can assure you I am far from a great person concerning my parents. I have changed a lot since my stroke and I believe it is for the positive. However, I still don’t do everything for them. I really don’t think we should. I don’t believe they want me to, either. They always tell me they raised me to be an individual and to be myself and help myself. However, I also know, as you stated, how it makes me feel when I think that this time may be the last time. I wish we all could realize that this is true for everyone we know every day. I am working toward trying to be enough to each person I meet every day, that if I never see them again, they have a positive outlook at me. This won’t always happen, I know. There will be arguments, disagreements, and just plain “I don’t like you” people. But, the attitude should be generally good. That is a hope.

      Like

      • A Star on the Forehead  On November 19, 2015 at 3:16 pm

        The self awareness that you have been attaining and using to promote growth is great and inspiring. We all could improve on how treat our family and friends, and even strangers for that matter, and your words are a great reminder! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  • Kate Johnston  On November 15, 2015 at 8:50 pm

    I’m glad my post inspired this, Scott. It’s important, what you’re going through. I don’t think we talk about the elderly enough, and what it means to watch a parent grow old or sick. It’s frightening. I think your dad is lucky to have you just sit there and be with him. Sometimes, that’s all it takes to feel at peace and at home.

    Liked by 1 person

    • kindredspirit23  On November 17, 2015 at 4:27 pm

      Really seems to help him, and me. My daughter has helped me by telling me how she and her husband plan to take care of me when I grow old and unable to care for myself.

      Liked by 1 person

  • Cafe  On November 15, 2015 at 1:17 pm

    Family dynamics can be such an interesting, complicated thing. And not easy. But I think it’s great you are seeing your dad, I’m sure he is glad to have you there, even if he doesn’t say much 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  • rogershipp  On November 15, 2015 at 10:23 am

    I understand. My dad is 93. He does not talk a lot when I visit. He was never a talker… just to Mom. She has passed. Visits can be ….. I am not sure of an appropriate word. He likes when I am there… but the ‘pauses’ are so awkward… It is great the you can visit so often.

    Liked by 1 person

  • Thumbup  On November 15, 2015 at 4:41 am

    You a good son.

    Liked by 1 person

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