Author Archives: kindredspirit23

I am a very spiritual person and try to always understand that no one is bad or good, but merely trying their best to understand and live their lives to the best of their knowledge.

I have two wonderful adult children, who are living their lives to the fullest and best for them.

I live in a small Indiana town with my cat Tamika. I have sold 6 short horror stories that were published in 2013. I published a Kindle book anthology of my horror stories in fall of 2013 and have recently posted my 900th post on my blog. I am working on a novel and trying to get healthier.

You Died – a poem

You Died

by Scott L Vannatter

June 28, 2019

You died.

Nothing ever tore at my soul as much.

Life nearly ceased to be; peace did so.

Could the anguish of one thing really

devastate so much the core of my being?

You died.

And a part of me, hidden deep within,

shuddered and paled, the life blood leaving

the shell of a man to hold up the gates of life.

You died.

The very love-sense which made me that special

type of human, one who loved, ran, fleeing to parts

of the darkest forest imaginable, cowering in the roots

of the deep tree in which the forest began

those many eons ago.

You died.

My life cannot continue with this path

set before me; the one which sees you with every breath

and pushes you out when I, exhausted, lie down to sleep.

Sleep has no meaning; I wake the same, rotting.

You died.

At least, that’s what I tell myself

as you live your life, calmly, without me.

I am undone as are all whose love never knew

fruition truly.

One who never spoke, and now, never will.

I sit here in my shorts, sans top, sans socks, and stare at my computer.  Fresh from the shower, I decided THIS might be the best time. I have said this several times in the last few weeks.  I wrote my last post here a few days shy of Memorial Day this year.  After reading several other bloggers talking about the holiday, I decided to let my own self out for a walk.  Last year marked the first Memorial Day since Dad’s death that previous July.  This year marks the first Memorial Day with Sis gone AND Dad gone.  I admit it has been hard for me.  But, I cannot imagine how hard it is for Mom.  This is not what I sat down to write, but … here it is. As my friend says, “It is what it is.”

I don’t want sadness or pity or anger or whatever else you think is in me relieved.  I am okay with their deaths, not the best timing for Mom and I, but we really can’t say that for many years to come.  But, there are things that CAN be said.

One is that I am now much more alone than I was.  No Dad, no Sis, no girlfriend, my daughter is very busy at a wonderful job, and my son is in Oregon also with a good job.  I not only don’t blame those last two, I am happy for them.  Truth is I have always been a loner. It has seldom bothered me to be by myself; I don’t get lonesome.  And now, now with the Internet and all, I have little reason to ever be lonely or alone.  I am a blogger, have many blogger friends, some of whom I consider VERY GOOD friends.  I do see good friends here, too.  One buddy from high school, one person who is now a friend who took over the job when I left the courthouse years ago and was introduced by my boss there, is also a good friend as is the boss.  I email, chat, phone, write, meet.  In essence, I do all you can do to not be alone, not be lonely.  But, having half your family gone is rough whether you spent a lot of time with them or not.  I am only glad that I was in a good place with both of them when it happened.

Mom and I now see or, at least, talk daily.  We go out to eat, visit doctors, stylists, get groceries, and discuss things.  We try not to get caught up in picking on each other or driving each other crazy by suggesting the other one do things…but it happens.  I want her to get a problem checked out; she wants me to do such and such.  Yeah, it happens.  But, each night we part or hang up saying, “I love you” and “See or talk to you tomorrow.”  Both of us are smart enough to know that the last statement won’t be true someday.  There will come that time when… But, it isn’t right now, so we say it.

This was nothing like I intended to do for a post…but “it is what it is.”

And what is it?  In my new life philosophy, “Perfect”. All things are because they all work out in the end and helped to make that end happen.

There’s one to “put in your pipe and smoke it.”  Wonder where and why that one came about?  Could google it, but that is, already, becoming/become one itself…

“Google it!” or “I don’t have time to Google an answer.”

But, if you did…

Namaste,

Scott

Memorial and Beyond

I have never really spent much of a Memorial Day at the cemetery.  That’s not to say I don’t remember my family and friends no longer physically with us; I just don’t.

Yesterday was different.  Yesterday many things happened.  I was in the hospital Thursday evening into the wee hours (6p-5a) of Friday morning.  I slept most of Friday and was careful the rest of the day with whatever went into my stomach.  But, Saturday I went to a movie with a good friend, ate at my beloved Cracker Barrel (carefully), and stopped by Mom’s to check on her.  I intended to only stay a bit, but she and I started talking and, before we knew it, we were at the cemetery taking care of Sis, Dad, Mom’s parents and my Great Aunt and Uncle. All were lain straight in a row. We put up flags and such.  It became a part of the rest of the cemetery, all alight with the best plastic flowers, cloth flags, and  even some metal pots of memorial bouquets.  The once-solemn and mostly green plots lit up with brightness, sending joy to those empty bones lying below, but also being noticed by their souls surrounding all of us.  It was nice.  I took a moment and remembered.  I will try to remember it next year as well.  In fact, perhaps, more often when I feel the need for nonjudgmental company.

Speaking of judgments, I have to mention that very early today (Sunday) I received notice that a short story I wrote for a person on fiverr.com was accepted for publication. No money involved, just a complimentary issue, but published nonetheless. It has been a memorable weekend.

Namaste,

Scott

Choices

via Choices

Well, What After “Endgame”?

Last week, in a theater of only about 7 people (because we went on a Thursday afternoon around 3pm), a friend and I watched Marvel’s “Endgame”.  There will be no real spoilers in this one.  I don’t like that so there. 🙂

Okay, so for the review without spoilers.  It was a good movie.  I give it a high B+ into the A- territory, so if you haven’t seen it, you should. Hey, watch “Infinity Wars” first or you won’t know what is going on.  The acting was good to very good, the plot was really good, the cgi was excellent, the only thing I thought it lacked was just little things here and there.  I am not even going to tell you those things because they were just for me.  I didn’t like this or that, the way this was handled or that…..ad nausuem as they say.  You may like all those things and hate others or love it all or wonder what the big hype was about.

One thing it did have in abundance was heart.  This movie was a “feel” movie; it was not always a “feel good” one, but it did have your emotions going.  It had surprises and twists and turns (always good for me).

So, what now? What do you do after watching “Endgame”?  What to do after what some called the best movie ever!?  Well, that was easy for me.  I went back to the hometown area, ate at Cracker Barrel, then, along with my friend, went home and watched 2 more episodes of “Penny Dreadful” (Excellent series, btw).   Then after he left, I sat down for about 3 hours of “Fallout 76”.  So my answer is, “My life went back to normal.”  Well, normal for me, anyway.  I have several more movies lined up for summer watching, several series to start and/or continue watching, more levels to move on Fallout 76 (right now I am at level 80), and a house to clean as well as writing that needs to continue to be done.

My point here is that a movie, no matter how good it is,  should not stop your life.  You shouldn’t curl up in a ball and be sad it’s over.  I remember when the original “Star Wars” came out.  My buddies and I watched it 3 times the first week.  I watched it a couple more later and watched it on tape a few times.  Really excellent for the time.  “Endgame” did put that to shame (bigger budget and more technology and hyped), but still, just go on with your life.  At least, that’s  my humble opinion, such as it is.

So, what will you do after “Endgame”?  I know not everyone will even watch it, so, what do you do after your big thing, whether it’s a vacation, award, big presentation….?

Namaste,

Scott

 

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