I am Learning about Me and, sometimes, It’s Sad.

I was reading a post by resilientheart.  In it, she speaks of an article on Dementia.  It is an excellent article (click on the word for the article) and I encourage you to read it.  She said it was beautiful and, perhaps, it is.  I came away from it sad, but not for the reasons anyone would think of after reading it.  At least, I doubt it.

This is a more difficult post for me to write.  It’s not particularly funny, nor does it lift up spirits, mine or yours.  As I am writing this, I get sad.  I guess I can hope it is life pointing me in the right direction, but it may also be my mind beginning to accept the life I am choosing.

I seem to be in the process of setting myself up to be rather alone in my twilight years.  I am not searching for sympathy here.  The one thing I really do for myself with this blog is share myself so that I can release a lot of it into the universe.  I am told it helps others.  That’s good; what is rough for me becomes a little easier if it lifts someone else’s burdens.

(The pic above was attached to a really good article on being alone: here it is.)

Anyway, I have set myself up.  I have guided myself to the point that I believe I no longer wish to be married, no longer have an opportunity to have someone to share with on a constant basis.  Even now, my mind is saying, “Yes, and that is a good thing.”  And, to a degree, it is.  Not the “not sharing” part, but the idea that I will be more independent and able to do the things I want to do more of without being told, “No.”

But, there is a sadness attached to this.  There is nothing wrong with being alone; however, there is something wrong with being lonely.  A man in a crowded mall can be lonely.  Lonely is when you miss having someone to talk to, someone to be around.  There is a huge difference also between sharing with a good, close friend and having someone to share your life and love with.  Nothing wrong with the good, close friend, but there are differences.

The article made me feel sad this way, I think, because I thought about what it might be like to have true Dementia.  My stroke has taken bits and pieces of my memory, but I have enough of it to be able to walk through life.  I may have to fudge a bit sometimes with some people, but it’s not usually much.  If I can’t remember something they think I should I remind them of my stroke and ask a few questions.  We can usually come to terms with it all.  But, if I could remember nothing of, say, my children’s births or growing up.  If I no longer recognized my sister or mother or father, then what do you do?  That led me off into the “you are going into a future without someone” deal.  Is that different?  Is there a way to have that life and be okay with it?  Or do you have to become a hermit?  I don’t want that.

This pic is from a site in which the person deals in pictures with all the problems and good things about being alone. I am not like that; it made me feel, somehow, better. Click on the link for the site-> Here <-

I am going to stop before this post takes off on some tangent and is no longer recognizable as what I started out.  I just wanted to share with you that, while I am positive and happy and know that God watches over me, that still doesn’t mean I never get sad.  I have changed; I am not scared; I am not nervous about it; just sad.

Does it make any sense?

Do any of you feel similar?

Does your being married cure that?

Namaste,

Scott