Reblog – What BDSM is and isn’t for Relationships

Since I “came out” as a Dom on this site some time ago>>> Here <<< I have been open but have not talked much about the lifestyle.  Some of that is simply I chose not to, but some of it was the knowledge that a big portion of my audience doesn’t think that they like it or will like it and they would simply stop reading.  So for you who simply have no interest (none, nada) in the BDSM lifestyle or questions or curiousities about it, feel free to move on to your next read.  For the rest of you, here is a link to a reblog that covers some very important information, but could be confusing if you are not a little familiar with the lifestyle and/or the terms.

I will add that, should you read it and  have questions, here I am, comment or email me at bookman23@comcast.net.  I can keep a secret if that is what worries you.

Link: Read All of This!

Namaste,

Scott

End of the Year – BDSM Anyone?

Did the title shock you?  Repulse you?  Are you even reading this far?

Before going on, this post would be rated from heavy PG13 to R, so kiddies – no no….responsible adults, you may continue.

I know that there was a time in my past in which my current mores (right word?) would not have allowed me to go past the title, and I would not have had the interest to.  A shame, really.  I have found, since then, that BDSM is not like I had been told, not something evil (of course, I don’t believe in evil anymore, but you get the point), and not necessarily something to be avoided.

Since “coming out” on here > POST < I have had the freedom within myself to study and talk about BDSM without feeling worried or guilty.  The truth of the matter is that I feel freer than I have ever felt.

Other than going to some meetings and talking more, I don’t really think my life is a whole lot different than it ever was, at least, strictly because of BDSM.  Now, my spiritual change has altered my life very significantly and I am even more thankful for that.  Frankly, I think people are less accepting of my spiritual change than my affiliations with BDSM.  I find that interesting as physical pain and such could not be attributed to my spiritual change, but one could argue that BDSM leans more in that direction.

Regardless, we are ending a year today, no more 2017, and I want to have my last post of this year concern some educational practices for the masses.  So, I am offering up 2 things:  1) a short dissertation on BDSM (through wiki) and 2) the opportunity to ask me questions both publicly and privately.

1. BDSM – just click and read – > Wiki on BDSM   If  you read the entire article (it is long), you will, perhaps, get a small understanding both of what BDSM encompasses and how easy it is to misunderstand.  “50 Shades of Gray” by PD James was not only a controversial book, but one that misrepresents BDSM.  The book only highlights the bad “Dom” – Christian and show how a woman in love can do all sorts of things, even somewhat unsafe things, to try and please her man.  Real BDSM, honest BDSM demands that both parties are informed of what can happen, what can’t happen, how to stop it, and what the risks are.  That wasn’t done in the movie nor the book.  Book 2 was better.  The true idea is for both parties to enjoy the experience as they wish to enjoy it.  Pain releases endorphins and these chemicals heighten responses and can give pleasure.  As long as safety is observed, it can be enjoyable.  I am not saying that there are not parts of BDSM that are not dangerous and unsafe.  All practices in most anything have their extremes; however, standard practices will include safety and be enjoyable for both parties.
2. Here is  where I allow you all the opportunity to pick my brain.  You can do this either of two ways.  The first is simply to comment on this post and ask your question(s).  I will do my best to answer them, providing I don’t have to tell something not very proper on here or give out info I consider confidential.  The second way is more private.  My email is bookman23@comcast.net.  Please just send me an email. If you really want secrecy, even from me, then open a new yahoo email (you are allowed  up to 5), call it junkmail@yahoo.com and write me.  Either way, I will be glad to share with you.  This is part of my purpose, I think.  I am an educator and love to teach.  This allows me to continue my joy of educating.

Okay, Happy New Year!  I look forward to hearing from all of you, any of you, whatever positive you have to add or question you wish to ask.  I have been lucky enough to have good friends who share things about the lifestyle that have helped me make informed choices and are leading me into a good solid future where my life is a positive influence.

Thank you all.

Namaste,

Scott

Where have all the People Gone?

A week or two ago, maybe a bit longer, I posted my coming out to BDSM: > HERE < .

I spent quite a bit of time beforehand worrying, contemplating, tossing ideas, and talking-to-self before writing and hitting that “publish” button.  Now, from 9-7 to 10-1, I have received a few views and far few comments.  Also, all the comments have been good.  I just keep asking myself: Scott, you published this on WordPress, which showed it on FB, Twitters, LinkedIn, and Google.  You have referred to it numerous times and still…?

Now, today, on FB, I saw a friend whom I haven’t visited in quite awhile.  I remembered I have messaged her a few times since Sept 7 and never heard back.  It finally began to sink in.  People who know me are embarrassed, uncertain, scared, nervous, angry (choose whichever you think applies, maybe all), or something else and simply are not speaking to me or being very general as if it never happened.

Your imagination, you say?  Perhaps, but it begins to make sense then.  I have well over 569 friends on FB, 734 connections on LinkedIn, who knows on Twitter / Google…That’s over 1300 people (I know, some overlap) who have, at least, seen the title.  I didn’t expect all of them to be happy (so far, all of you on WP have been, Thanks- you are the best).  I really didn’t.  I expected some unfriending to occur on FB and a few snide comments (or paragraphs) from a few on FB and Twitter.  But, none of that, seems…weird.  I should be happy, but it just seems too strange to just go “oh, the world is a different place and everyone is okay…”  Right?

Anyway, just a short rant.  Let’s go back to saving animals and filming babies.

Namaste,

Scott

 

If I Were a Rich Man…

I began watching “Touch” Season 1 on Netflix a couple of days ago. A wonderful show about an autistic boy who, with his father’s (Keiffer Sutherland) help, solves a lot of the world’s hurt through seeing patterns of numbers in everything.

The episode (at least, one of the) had a sub-plot about a blogger who went to Paris, hoping to meet a guy after being dumped,and ending up meeting the guy by coming back to the US.  I would say it was a spoiler, but, by now, I begin to expect these things and saw it coming.  However, it was beautifully done and it almost teared me up.  I do tear up, btw, it just takes a bit more.  You know, like watching those 1st auditions on BGT/AGT of the great singers like Grace Vanderwaal (teared up again), but it still affected me.  Then I read a post from athingirl and it is about a girl and a boy finding love and there you have it, I am now lost in a track of thought in which I, though the mysterious twists and turns of an altered reality, find that special someone with whom I “click” wonderfully and, perhaps, forever.

I need to reel it in a bit and realize, even though I truly believe we create our own realities, I may not be prepared to find that special someone just yet.  I may need time or experience or new shoes for her to “see” me or for us to be where we need to be when we need to be.  It could come through one of the dating sites I am on (Since I “came out” about my involvement in BDSM on here several posts ago >here< I have changed my profiles accordingly), through the BDSM website I use, from this block,or simply, just stepping outside to get my mail (why not?).

I know I talk about this quite a bit on here, that matter of finding someone special.  Know it is not constantly on my mind, but doing it, saying it here allows me to speak freely and get some good advice back (so far, no trolls).

So, just letting you in on some of my thoughts.  Thanks for listening and know I am both sane and, basically, unworried as the LoA will win out in the end.

Namaste,

Scott

Shades of Vanilla and Grey

Shades of Vanilla and Grey

I have been struggling for awhile with an issue and I have decided I should not have to struggle with it anymore.

When the book “50 Shades of Grey” first started being popular, I decided to purchase and read it. I had been interested in BDSM for awhile and had been studying it on the Internet through various articles and chatting with individuals in the lifestyle.

The book was interesting. However, I did not care for how it portrayed people in the lifestyle. Mr. Grey was not a very nice person and he was the only portrayal of BDSM presented in the novel. When I finished it (well, almost), I decided it was not a fit representation of the lifestyle and told people as much. What I was discovering online was a much fuller, richer life than the couple in the novel had. I also disliked the manner in which he gave her the “contract” for them to live by. He showed no interest in sitting down with her and explaining things, nor did he really give her much more than a “take it or leave it” situation where she would lose him if she didn’t go along. This is not how things work and Ms. James did not seem at all inclined to point this out in her novel.

I continued my studies in the lifestyle, finding it more and more intriguing. I had joined a website and written a great deal of my thoughts and feelings and allowed others to tell me how they felt and where my logic might be flawed or incomplete. I learned a great deal over the course of about a year and a half.

By this time, I realized I fit into this world. I supported the LBGTQ community, though I do not fit into any of those initials. I am straight, but understand. I finally decided to attend an event.

The event did not introduce me to all the people I wanted to meet.  I had not checked it out properly. However, I did come away with one very good friend who is still my good friend today. He is my mentor in the lifestyle and I am learning by leaps and bounds.

Here is the sad part. There are so many people who do not understand what the lifestyle really is and there are so many negative thoughts out there, it has been difficult for me (and for many others) to admit they are a part of such a large world. It is, indeed, larger than most people realize, not the few dozen or whatever is thought. Nor does it exist only in dark corners or just in California or New York. It is worldwide and you walk around many people everyday who join in when it suits them.

The BDSM world does not have to be 24/7, though it is for many. It can be a once-in-a-while thing or it can be the chosen life for an individual. It can involve just a single person or many people working and/or living together. There are guidelines, rules, protocols for the lifestyle and, to the surprise of many, these are followed, more often than not, much better than ordinary (vanilla) people follow similar ideals.

For instance, a person wanting to be with another will normally talk with them to see if there is any agreement at all. Then, when that part is done, a contract will be discussed. Items will be brought up concerning likes and dislikes of both parties, as well as “must haves” and “won’t dos”. If a place can be found in which both parties will be happy and in agreement, then the contract (written or not) will be agreed on and followed. If either party breaks the contract, they are called into question by the other party and a discussion may insue or the other party may simply leave, terminating the agreement.

This is so very different from dating or marriage protocols followed in the vanilla world. In this everyday world, people say one thing when they mean another, often hoping the other will believe it to be what they want and agree. Or they won’t talk much but believe “love” will conquer all, only finding out later they should have talked, discussed, and come to an agreement beforehand.

Marriage vows are rules given at the time of marriage, however, those seem to be often ignored or twisted soon after the service, when life begins to get in the way. Divorce rates continue to rise and it is often because of the lack of communication the end comes about. At least, in the BDSM world, the contract is, normally, discussed so discrepancies can be found out before any problems occur. In this world, for the most part, people would rather a relationship not happen at all than cause tremendous grief and turmoil because of something a little talking would have pointed out earlier.

I know people who are together and very happy because each knows how the other feels, what they prefer, and where they are/what they are doing most all the time. This does not come across as losing any needed independence; this happens because both parties (or however many) share their lives and don’t hide what is going on. Too many times in the majority world, people keep secrets because they are afraid what the other person might think if they knew. In the lifestyle, these secrets are not only shared, but, often celebrated and lived as it is what keeps the people together in the first place. People get together because of, not in spite of, what they desire.

I don’t want to make it sound perfect. There are problems just like with anything else. There are those who refuse to follow, who refuse to tell, who refuse to abide. These people are often kicked from the individual groups they try to be a part of and are rejected by this minority world at large when it becomes known. By the same token, a person who follows the protocols and is known for their honesty becomes a special person welcomed in most all groups.

I say all this merely to say I am a part of this world now. I am not a big pain person, giving or receiving. I have a lot of love to share and affection to give. I am of worth and smart and I understand what I am a part of. I continue to learn, however, all of my learning simply better prepares me to do what I feel is best for me. I am not one to strictly adhere to the guidelines and protocols as are some, however, I do have a basic respect and need to follow those rules, at least, to the point that keeps everyone safe, secure, and trusting. I believe fully in informed consent as well as mutual consent. People who are going to be in a relationship should understand each other very well and know what they are getting into before they make commitments. This doesn’t work very well in regular society as I have tried to be very open and honest and have been largely ignored, disbelieved, or thought to be weak for trying to be honest.

Finally, I am not trying here at all to get anyone to join the lifestyle or to even agree with me. I feel knowledge is both power and a boon to understanding and, perhaps, getting along. Should you have any questions, please ask me (bookman23@comcast.net). I would be glad to share what I know, find out what I don’t, and even, perhaps, meet if wanted to discuss topics, ideas, and share thoughts.

Namaste,

Scott