I Begin to Know Myself

I have  no idea how this blog is going to flow.  Usually, I try my best to work it out, have an idea, and stick to that schedule.  I have done some of that.  However, I am tired and I know that will affect it.  But, here goes:

Today, I read two articles.  They are below.  You don’t have to read them.  They are good, but I just wanted you to know where my thoughts gathered.  These articles added to all the stuff I have been feeling and going through for months.

Articles:

Maintaining Your Identity in a  Relationship

What People Need to Know to have Great First-time Sex

As I read these two articles, I realized part of why I haven’t been dating or gotten back into any type of permanent relationship.  Now, there are a lot of reasons, but try these on:

1)  I am afraid of losing myself in the relationship.

2)  I am afraid I am not good enough.

Before I get into this, I want to thank one particular blog for helping me:

August McLaughlin   You, dear lady, have helped me through your posts to say things I felt I needed to say.  You know those comments.  I treasure the certainty that I felt when making those on your blog because I knew they would be accepted.

Nearly all of you out there in blog land have helped me to feel more confident and able to speak out freely over the last 16 or so months.  Thank you.  I have grown and this is one of the products of that growth.

Now, some people who might read this post are going to be angry with me.  They are going to be angry simply because I mention that I don’t think you have to be in a marriage to have a full-time relationship.  I don’t think that sex is valid only in marriage.  ( I can hear the screams now ) – (too bad)

It’s a bit difficult for me to write like this because I don’t know who is reading my posts.  I have friends and family who would be appalled at the above statements.  It helps me to understand what many gay and lesbian people go through when they believe they have to not tell their friends and family that they are the way they are.

This is precisely the reason I decided to go ahead and talk about it all.  I should not have to be afraid to say who I am and what I feel and what I believe.  I am not hurting anyone; I am just stating facts.  If those facts hurt, then you are allowing that; I didn’t do it.  There’s enough there for many self-help books and the reason statement 1 bothers me a lot.

1)  I am afraid of losing myself in the relationship.

In the past, I have chosen rather strong women as the females in my relationships.  Not all, but a lot.  What happens then is that I begin right off doing whatever I can do to please them.  In other words: I lose myself.  I become them.

This is a bad thing.  There is no real upside here.  If you get lost in a relationship, you will get to the point in which you no longer enjoy it.  Something will cause you to want to see it end.  You may bring that about directly or indirectly.  The other person may well not like you always doing things for them.  They may feel as if they have nothing to offer you and become uninterested too.  Whatever happens, the relationship is going to hurt and, without help, it will fall apart.  Bad thing is that a lot of relationships fall apart, but never end…they just stay together “for the kids” or “because you promised”, whatever.

Sex, on the other hand, is a hot topic that makes a lot of people uneasy.  Part of what bothers me is that many people do two things during sex.  One is that they don’t ask for what they need and get mad when they don’t get it.  Two is that they are seldom willing to give what they are asked to give and then don’t understand when the other person is upset they didn’t get it.  There is, usually, both of these going on at the same time from both people.  It makes for a messy, nasty time when it should be wonderful and sharing and giving and loving.  I am fairly open to a lot of ideas and thoughts and different things when two people are alone sharing sex.  I have always preferred the term “making love” but, more and more, I am realizing that it doesn’t have to be that so much as just care and consideration between two people who wish to be that close.

If it’s a “conquest” for you, then it won’t work.  If it’s something you feel you “have” to do, then it won’t work.  If I have to explain either of those statements, then no wonder you are having problems.

Back to me before I stop here.  I have kept myself a bit held back in regards to both sex and relationships.  They haven’t happened and haven’t worked well because I am afraid.  Those two fears mentioned above are kill joys.  They will completely decimate affection, love, and enjoyment.  They are what I am thinking about now and I believe I am on my way to an answer.  It will just take time.

What do you think about any / all of this?

Namaste,

Scott

I am Learning about Me and, sometimes, It’s Sad.

I was reading a post by resilientheart.  In it, she speaks of an article on Dementia.  It is an excellent article (click on the word for the article) and I encourage you to read it.  She said it was beautiful and, perhaps, it is.  I came away from it sad, but not for the reasons anyone would think of after reading it.  At least, I doubt it.

This is a more difficult post for me to write.  It’s not particularly funny, nor does it lift up spirits, mine or yours.  As I am writing this, I get sad.  I guess I can hope it is life pointing me in the right direction, but it may also be my mind beginning to accept the life I am choosing.

I seem to be in the process of setting myself up to be rather alone in my twilight years.  I am not searching for sympathy here.  The one thing I really do for myself with this blog is share myself so that I can release a lot of it into the universe.  I am told it helps others.  That’s good; what is rough for me becomes a little easier if it lifts someone else’s burdens.

(The pic above was attached to a really good article on being alone: here it is.)

Anyway, I have set myself up.  I have guided myself to the point that I believe I no longer wish to be married, no longer have an opportunity to have someone to share with on a constant basis.  Even now, my mind is saying, “Yes, and that is a good thing.”  And, to a degree, it is.  Not the “not sharing” part, but the idea that I will be more independent and able to do the things I want to do more of without being told, “No.”

But, there is a sadness attached to this.  There is nothing wrong with being alone; however, there is something wrong with being lonely.  A man in a crowded mall can be lonely.  Lonely is when you miss having someone to talk to, someone to be around.  There is a huge difference also between sharing with a good, close friend and having someone to share your life and love with.  Nothing wrong with the good, close friend, but there are differences.

The article made me feel sad this way, I think, because I thought about what it might be like to have true Dementia.  My stroke has taken bits and pieces of my memory, but I have enough of it to be able to walk through life.  I may have to fudge a bit sometimes with some people, but it’s not usually much.  If I can’t remember something they think I should I remind them of my stroke and ask a few questions.  We can usually come to terms with it all.  But, if I could remember nothing of, say, my children’s births or growing up.  If I no longer recognized my sister or mother or father, then what do you do?  That led me off into the “you are going into a future without someone” deal.  Is that different?  Is there a way to have that life and be okay with it?  Or do you have to become a hermit?  I don’t want that.

This pic is from a site in which the person deals in pictures with all the problems and good things about being alone. I am not like that; it made me feel, somehow, better. Click on the link for the site-> Here <-

I am going to stop before this post takes off on some tangent and is no longer recognizable as what I started out.  I just wanted to share with you that, while I am positive and happy and know that God watches over me, that still doesn’t mean I never get sad.  I have changed; I am not scared; I am not nervous about it; just sad.

Does it make any sense?

Do any of you feel similar?

Does your being married cure that?

Namaste,

Scott

Tree Mendous Accomplishment

Today, just a 5:33 second video clip about moving a tree. Watch this clip and think about how much we could do as a people if we could simply cooperate together for the betterment of the world instead of ourselves.

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Namaste,
Scott

A New Prayer?

“ὁ θεòς ἀγάπη ἐστίν” ó theòs agape estín (Greek; trans. “God is love”) on a stele in Mount Nebo. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A New Prayer
By Scott L Vannatter
September 6, 2012

Now, I lay me down to rest
I’ve always tried to do my best
But people do not understand why
I don’t do it their way and I don’t try.

I live the life God gave to me
He thinks it’s perfect don’t you see?
He worries not which games I play
Not what I question or what I say.

The Golden Rule is good for me
And for the most part, just let me be
Offer help and when I say no
Don’t turn in a huff and stomp and go.

Your way may be the one for you
I’d like to try mine to see me through
And, if I’m wrong and yours proves out
Don’t look at me and scream and shout.

And things you say are wrong and right
May change for you one day or night
You grow and change that’s good for you
Your body does, your mind should too.

I have one thing that you should know
God’s word is love; that word will flow
It’s like a river and like a dream
Not having love’s, kinda swimming upstream.

So, do what you do in city, on farm
Remember, first, please do no harm
Live your life and love all others
Treat them like best sisters and brothers.

I say this and only some will hear
What gets in the way is usually fear
“It’s different,” they say; “it must be wrong.”
But different can be just as strong.

It doesn’t follow your holy book?
Maybe it’s time to take a look
When it was written and what it was for
Perhaps some of its writings are no longer core.

Instead of telling me what my God won’t do
Please know He loves both me and you
He will watch over all that are in His sight
Never stopping to rest not even at night.

You say not all will be in Heaven there
That God will only give His care
To those that follow the ways of His order
But there are hundreds of those from border to border

I think if we start by tossing out fear
And know that God is always here
We might see a new way that really’s not new
It’s been talked through the ages by more than a few

We messed up the meaning; we have lost the true thing
It is staring at us and would have us to sing
We’re equal, all loved, God doesn’t throw away
The good He’s created; it’s in us today.

So, now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
‘Cuz no one loves me like He does still
He always has and He always will.

LOVE and CARE for you , my Dearest!!! (Photo credit: Thai Jasmine (Smile..smile…Smile..))

Another Bit of the World

I met (online) a fascinating person yesterday.She is also a disabled teacher and her blog is very different from mine, yet they both resonate in the world. Just shows you what can happen.

I am hoping you will check hers out ( https://aspergersgirls.wordpress.com/ ) and, perhaps, choose to follow it, too.

My opinion is that the more places you go and the more places you put your influence into, the more the world may become that bit of perfection each of us knows as God.

Speaking of influence, I realized a moment ago how much effect we can truly have on this old world and its ways.  The idea of the seven connections seems true enough to me.  That states, basically, that seven connections put each of us in touch with everyone else in the world.

I tested it once.  I asked my daughter (who was telling me about it) to connect me to a street urchin in India.  She said that she had gone to school with (his name) and his grandmother still lived in India.  She was certain that woman knew at least one street urchin.  So, me to daughter to student to grandmother to urchin!  only 4 connections!

To connect two random points here:  I enjoy shopping at Amazon.  I also enjoy actually visiting Wal-Mart.  I noticed today how rude people can be in Wal-Mart.  Rather than be angry, I just decided to go on enjoying myself.  The cash register was a mess,  A young ,foreign mother, who did not speak English well, had to go back twice for something because she didn’t understand what product she needed for the coupon.

I have been very poor; I know what it is to have to spend time at the register figuring out how to undo a mess due to coupons and/or money.  The man behind me made a comment about learning to speak English when in an English country (I know that is a big one now).  He wasn’t particularly angry, but I think he might have been headed that way.  I merely turned my head and stated that she had picked out the wrong item for the coupon and went to get it.

No fuss, no fuming (well, not much) from anyone.  A few minutes later, I was heading to my car.  Point being:  if you use the 7 connection rule,  I just connected some smiles and niceties to millions of people.

A smile is infectious; an attitude can alter the world.

Namaste,
Scott