Still the Early Bits of Life – 2 Poems

The darker time of my life.  Simple explanation:  the first poem is about knowing you should divorce, but deciding to stick with it one more time because of hope, mostly.

The second one is, I think, my darkest one.  I remember writing it at work (yeah, the muse hit at a bad time).  I was depressed.  I had broken up with someone who I thought was very special and the one.  She wasn’t and it did not go well at all, hence, my depression.

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(unnamed)

By Scott L Vannatter

May 14, 1986

And what was I to do?

___ YOU, sitting there crying, sighing

and I, lost, as usual, not knowing

what to say

what to do.

The words dribble out, the rope slipping,

white gown, ring, and promises sliding down the slope

to be lost FOREVER.

Endless word, circling upon itself and beginning again,

heading back toward that same, fitful end. –sorry-

Such a fragile gift, hands clasped, vows solemn and meant

Care, Love, Life co-exist, mingled with reality and pain.

Then pain moves to the front, other three settle,

waiting – often in vain – for  their (last?) chance.

Trust falters, Anger loves, decibel voices, clear – uncomprehensible.

circling vultures, dark foreboding of the end act.

thread swinging just out of reach.

A leap into the abyss and the choice is made.

The fingers slapping thread and grasping for life.

Hang on! And the i becomes I becomes US once more.

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Now That the Blackness has Gone

By Scott L Vannatter

9/11/91

Now that the blackness has gone, the swirling void

no longer empty, I am scared.

Blackness is certain, ability to know all exists there.

The pattern now falls into a chaotic maelstrom of events,

each separate but intertwined into an inconceivable lacework

of frantic bits.

I lose myself at times in the seeming senselessness of

it all, and I run, slowly at first, then at a screaming pace

until I collapse breathless and shake in confusion.

Choices abound in a never-ending tornado of life, is life.

I look back, over shoulder, seeing the past catch up, a

horse coming from behind to pass by sneering.

Changes made, outward then inward, slowly then quickly,

a new mold made by cracks and patches, pain stretching the shape

making mountains of molehills, molehills of mountains, a new me.

The change is scariest.  For in the changing I lose the me

of old, a dear friend –to the end- to the end of ends.  (Amen)

The Phoenix rises, but only after the burns have ceased.

I feel the searing, tearing, stabbing, jabbing, pain heats

to nova, exploding in heat of passing passion, confusing senses and

mind spots, thoughts of it all, of nothing at all.

A spot of light, shaft of brilliance, guidance, a hand-hold

to mind-sense.  To this I cling, sing, bring a roulette turn of life to the chaos.

This be the God of me, mine, and I see through my blindness

the specter of man-hope.  Grasping for the straw, the carousel ring,

I wiggle in my saddle, almost fall but held up by helpful hands, I

stack the blocks, one on the other, and the foundation will strong

remain.  I scared, I am, I will ever be – me – to the end (Amen).

Rags and Tatters

http://www.thehindu.com/multimedia/dynamic/00028/31SM_DELHI1_28293f.jpg

Rags and Tatters
By Scott L Vannatter
October 3, 2012

Fire made from bits of wood
Gathered from nearby cans
The heat feels good
On those worn-out hands

Share a bottle with what passes for friends
The cold flows deep into the joints
Mostly old, but a young one there
Doesn’t escape the chilly points

A couple walks by, sees, and scurries
They fear the worst, as looks may matter
The dread they feel is not inside their selves
But flows hard from the rags and tatters

Cardboard sign, work for food
Some true, some scam, all within the range
So all treated the same, cars avoid the lane
“Mister, can you spare some change?”

Money’s the thing most looked for here
They think it will save their soul
Truth be told, some soup and kind words
Would lift their spirits to whole

Desperate they are, might they hurt us now?
We worry so proper and prim
Though more’s the point, that only days
May separate us from them

We sit inside and they in the cold
We think we are safe and sound
But a match, a fist, a digital theft
And with them we’d be found

So look at them, look full next time
They walk and can’t afford the bus
For things do change, and change might find
The rags and tatters on us

The View from the Mountaintop

English: Caraiman Cross on Bucegi mountaintop. Secondary view, Busteni city in Prahova Valley. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So, you are sitting on top of a mountain and looking all around at the world. What do you notice? Me? I notice how flippin’ high I am! But that is me. Yes, that is, certainly, me.

For most of us, we notice all the beautiful land lying out below us. You can see the grassy meadows, the forests, the rivers, everything just laid out under you.

Do you understand what you are truly looking at? Let me give you a second to think. Now, have you figured out what you are looking at yet?

I doubt you get this. It would be a little against human nature for you to see this truth. Give up? Okay, what you are seeing is the valley.

Mountaintop view looking north from 18.21512N, 66.21719W (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Here you are standing on top of a mountain, most people’s dream, to be on the mountaintop. And, you are thinking what a gorgeous valley is down there. That same valley that 99% of the people (probably you, too, in reality) are in and just dying to get out of and go…where? Well to the mountaintop, of course.

As humans, we seem to constantly be dissatisfied with where we are, wherever that is, and want to be somewhere else. People in the heat often want to be in the cold. People who are around snow the entire time wish they were on the beach while those on the beach may long for the forests. It is a never-ending circle of “I wish”.

This is not really a “hey, be satisfied with where you are” type of thing. Really, wanting to change and improve your life is your business and is, probably, good for you.

change (Photo credit: Sean MacEntee)

What is really important here is to see things for what they are, opportunities. God, my word for the entity in charge, has led you to a set of circumstances. He is now allowing you to chose (again) so that the next thing can happen.

I don’t believe at any point, does God go, “Well, I am done with you. You have messed it up too much this time.” If He did, I would be dead.

Think for a minute. I am in pain 24/7 at about a level 2-6. I am on about 5-8 medications (10 if you count supplements to help me). My diet is horribly restricted. I have a heck of a time walking without a cane and not always pleasant with one. I can’t hold a regular job. I don’t sleep well at all, and I see double.  But, life is wonderful!

Iconic screen shot from the movie It’s a Wonderful Life. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Yet, that is my mountaintop! From this position atop my peak in life, I toss out advice, humor, spiritual awareness, practical knowledge, or insane dealings to over 70 (76 at last count) countries every day. I receive comments from different people around the world and consider myself to have friends from, at least, a dozen countries; people I would love to meet and have a meal/chat with. I do work from home (just not hugely profitable yet in the money field). I am a writer, something I have always wanted to be. I am even, now, a published writer. It feels good to say that. And, I have a following of people who look forward to hearing from me each day.

I have friends here as well as family. I do get out; I do things. I own my home; I take care of myself. Yes, this is my mountaintop. And, yes, I do look at the valley around me and wish…
but that is another blog…
Enjoy your mountaintop and your valley.

Namaste,
Scott

Monday, Monday…Can’t Take that Day….(music)

It’s Monday and, it used to be, that Mondays were hated by me in that I had, like most others, to get up to work and start that nasty work week. I remember always thinking “what a way to spend 1/7 of your life”.

Now, I realize that, on Tuesdays, I complained about being tired from Monday.
Wednesday, the week was only 1/2 done.
Thursday, everyone was tired and worn out with only 1 day left,
and Friday/Saturday were too short to get it all done.

What an attitude (however, I did learn it from a lot of people around me).
Since my stroke, I usually wake up thinking “Wow, I am awake! I get to start another day alive.”  It makes me a bit more happy to do whatever is in store for me.

I still try to apply a general work week to my schedule. Monday-Friday I try to get up about 9, eat and get things going by 10, work til 1, lunch and relax until 2, then work from 2-5 or 6, eat, then have the evening to myself.

The difference is that I enjoy each day and if something messes up the work schedule, I try to simply flow with it. I put down cleaning as work, groceries as work, writing as work, even this blog as work. That way, I can change my day around a lot.

You can do the same, no matter what you do for a living. Even in a factory where you do the same thing over and over, you can group it into sets of 10,20, 50, 100, whatever. Each time you finish a group, at least, give yourself a pat on the back if you can’t take 1 minute to relax. Use your breaks, they are time for you. Don’t do your usual work during breaks, don’t make yourself do anything but enjoy them; otherwise, you come back to the job even more tired than you were.

The one that seems to stick a lot of people is the “I hate my job.” Well, there’s two trains of thought:

First, I got to where I didn’t like my job (my life) or enough of it to cause me to quit (not stroke).   Not my teaching, this would have been back when I was in computers.  When you reach the point of giving up, find something else; I know this is a rough economy, but look, and with enthusiasm. The PC makes looking a whole different ballgame. My! I realized not too long ago that, if I chose, I am disabled, not hooked to a job and could move ANYWHERE. I doubt that I do, but it’s a perk of being disabled.

Second, if changing/moving are really not options, then change what you do or, at least, how you do or approach what you do.  Change your work center a bit: a little color or humor.  Change your attitude.  Make yourself smile and say something nice or humorous when you don’t feel like it.  You might be surprised at how differently you will feel over time.  Changing even the order of a couple of things can make your whole day different.

Finally, at least, or should I say always, take 10 minutes when you get home, even if you are still in the car, to breathe easy, relax, and put the day behind you.  Coming home at full steam is seldom good.

Read “Do What You Love and the Money Will Follow” – excellent book. At least, take the concept to heart. Enjoy your Monday; couldn’t hurt.

Namaste
Scott