If it’s not one thing – Well, it is usually more things.

Long week.  Dad passed on the 25th of July.  His birthday was yesterday (Tuesday).  Sis had her cancer surgery Monday.  She is doing well, miserable, but well.  Me?  I went to the Doctor’s this morning with a stuffy head, drainage, body aches, no fever, and a bad raspy cough.

The doctor kinda looked at me and said, “Stress.”  I didn’t think about that.  I am under so little stress since my stroke and I have such a different outlook on life that I forget stress can still get to me.  So, I am sick – I am stressed.  Okay, I will get better – am getting better.

I used to play a card game called “Magic the Gathering” (ooh and aah).  Well, I played and I shared it with my students and met with a group of them after school once a week.  We had fun and they learned to play nicely together.  I collected the cards and gave them or traded them to the students as a reward for behavior or whatever.  We all enjoyed the time.   Of course, that buying of cards to sell meant buying bulk cards at a good rate.  I now do not play, so I have been trying to sell the lot of them (or most, I still want to maybe play).  Well, I found someone to buy them and we are meeting later this week.  The final sell count was just over 49,000 cards…YES, I wrote that right… over forty-nine thousand cards!  I am pleased to be selling them and I am pleased to have them out of my house.  I kept several hundred for myself, but that’s a small amount that won’t take up a lot of room.  However, getting them out and separated and counted…wow!  I am tired and still sick…But, it is done.

So, tired, sick, and somewhat happy, plus glad Sis is fine.  I guess I will call it a day.  DAY!

Namaste,

Scott

An End to an Era

As I write this, Dad has been laid to rest for about 36 hours.  It seems so much longer since just yesterday morning when the funeral was happening.  There was a wonderful turnout, around 40 people.  Many were friends, more of Sis or me than of Dad’s, but they came to honor him.  All things went well.  I was a pallbearer, only once feeling like my balance was going.  I decided I WAS going to help carry that casket, so I did.

Since the service, Mom and Sis have kept busy. I don’t fully know how all this is affecting them.  What I do know is how it is affecting me.  I have been worn out and a bit depressed since the service ended.  I have slept quite a bit, though not necessarily too long.  I got in about 7 hours last night and a 4 hour nap today.  I didn’t sleep well, so it wasn’t 11 hours of sleep or rest.  The headache is mostly gone and I have been able to keep active and work, mostly on my computer.  I haven’t left the house today, but that’s not really abnormal either.

My abnormal feelings have come in the form of being restless and yet not wanting to go anywhere either. Dad and I had a usual relationship, I guess.  We didn’t get along well when I was young.  He was working a lot and trying to write a book or something to get ahead.  I saw it as he didn’t want to spend time with me.  I got to know Mom better and didn’t really enjoy him being home.

We disagreed a lot while I grew up, but I didn’t always say anything; after all, I was passive.  My first divorce was a huge mess and he was very angry with me for leaving my family.  He understood later, but it was tense for awhile.

After my stroke, things were really different.  I was no longer quiet or passive and spoke out more.  I never really knew if he preferred it that way or not, but we seemed to get along better.  I visited 4-5 days a week when he was in the nursing home.  I wanted him to have company and do things, so he didn’t become very depressive and give up.  We played about 15 games of chess a week.  He almost always insisted I play white, so I always made the same 1st move P-K4 (I know that’s not the way you write it now, but too bad).  He won several; I won about 80-85%, I suppose.

What I know is that, even though we didn’t get along for a lot of our lives, I loved him and he loved me.  We didn’t always show it well, but still, we knew.  At the end, we said it a lot.  I am happy for those times.  Otherwise, I might never have really known my Dad.

Love you, Dad, and miss you.

Namaste,

Scott

A Sad Start to the Day – Monday July 25, 2016

I was playing my video game, Fallout 4, around 1:30AM and my phone rang.  Sis, very sad and upset, called to tell me that Dad had passed away at the hospital.  He was there to have his heart checked following some pain.  The stress test had told them his heart was working at about 80%, pretty good.  We had visited Sunday afternoon and had all gone home.  He was talking to Mom on the phone and had to hang up because his shoulder hurt.  He began having pains in his groin.  The doctor called for a scan of the area, then left, telling them to call when the scan had completed and was ready.  Dad coded about 15 minutes later and his heart stopped.  They were unable to revive him.

Mom is hurting badly.  She misses him very much.  The nursing home tells me they will miss him as well.  He was well-liked.  He told jokes constantly, pulled little pranks, and was in the process of finishing up a book he was authoring on the computer – a western tale.  I have promised myself I will finish it, edit it, then publish it on Kindle.

I don’t know how I feel just yet.  I know that can take time.  I haven’t cried yet – that will come at some point; I know that.  We played about 15 games of chess a week.  I had noticed he was having more and more problems playing, but he still didn’t lose them all.

He was a good father.  He and I had our times throughout my life – that is pretty normal for father/son, I am told.  At the end, we loved each other and got along well.  I am happy to have visited him so much at the nursing home.

Life will be so different now; I just don’t know how it will be.

Everyone says it; I will too:   “Love your parents – you just never know…”

Namaste,

Scott

Looking Life in the Eye and Really Seeing It…

Read this post to get where I got my thoughts… 4Am Writer: Life Without a Mom

Okay, now…I visit Dad in the nursing home 5 nights a week from about 8:15pm-12:30am or so, whenever he falls asleep or I have to leave…because 3 days a week I take Mom to see Dad at dialysis.  We go to see him at 10am, then eat at Cracker Barrel, then do some errands, see Dad leave dialysis about 3pm, then back to the nursing home.  Mom goes in for awhile and I go home, nap, eat, then go to see Dad.

Interesting life from the person who didn’t much care for his Dad until lately.  It isn’t that I didn’t like him; I just didn’t see him much and we didn’t talk much.  As it is, we don’t talk much now.  Dad enjoys watching sports and I sit there, looking at the TV sometimes, commenting or listening to him, and I watch the tablet – poker, Facebook, CBS, NBC, whatever…

He seems to like just having me sit there.  I am told that nearly every night, about 15 minutes after I leave him sound asleep, he calls for the night person, to get him something or other.  I think he is just lonely then and wants to see someone else.

I visit Dad and I sit there and we just know each other is in the room.  Tonight, however (Saturday),  there was no ballgame on, no real sports at all, so, … we talked for awhile.

We still don’t have much to say.  A lot of it is Dad retelling me jokes and stories for the millionth time.  But, he doesn’t remember that he has told me, and, frankly, it does me good to hear them again.  Cause someday, someday maybe soon, he won’t be around to tell them and I will have to remember them.  I should write them down, but I won’t.  I don’t do things like that often.  I will just have to hope I remember them enough to pass them on.

Realizing that, someday, his life will be a sketchy memory because Mom, Sis, and I will be gone, is a bit unsettling.  I am not ready to go.  Ever since the stroke in ’10 I don’t really fear death, but I am not in a hurry to see it either.  I have a lot I want to do.  Some of it is just beginning to materialize and I am sorry for that.  I kinda wish I had started on some things earlier, but I guess we are all that way, too.

Well, Kate Johnston, author of 4amwriter, look what your post inspired.  Thanks…I need to say all of this.  I will need to say more, I imagine.  Life is always asking us to do things – this one will be eternally on the net soon…

Namaste,

Scott

Where Am I? I wasn’t Here!

I know; I know.  It’s been about a week without really a word from me.  In that time, I managed to lose 3 games of “Trivia Crack” due to time elapsed, I waited over 3 days to do some of my “Words With Friends”, and I have been stressed out, tired, and so very frustrated.

No, silly, it wasn’t sex (though the symptoms certainly bring back memories – not really good ones, either).  It was nothing pleasant at all:  my Dad had a stroke.

Well, it turned out to be a TIA; it was downgraded.  It seems the difference is whether the damage remains permanent or not.  Apparently, his blood pressure may have dropped too low due to his medications combined with going back on dialysis.  What I do know is the night following the TIA, while I was lying in the couch/chair in Dad’s room, the nurse came in and gave him his blood pressure meds and, about 2-3 hours later, I was calling them to his side because his blood pressure, which had normally been around 150/70 or so, was now 77/41.  They began pumping fluids in him and I left when it was 84/50 and rising.

He is much better now, but in that time, we all took turns staying with him most of the day/night.  My general shift was 7:30pm-around 1:00am.  I would watch a baseball game with him (I am not a fan, but am learning the game well) and stay until he had been sound asleep for about 1/2 hour.

Anyway, that’s the reason for the long absence.  I have tried to read a few posts, but have had another problem.  I have borrowed my Dad’s IPAD.  He doesn’t really like it, so he told me to learn on it.  I have never used an IPAD before.  I can’t say I love how they run (man, I love my desktop with windows), however, once I FINALLY got it set up (That would be early this morning, by the way), it is pretty cool to have.  I can watch about 6-7 episodes of “Star Trek DS9” (am halfway through season 5) and do some online poker (free) and check out Facebook and “Words with Friends” without recharging.  It is nice and small (at least, compared to the full backpack my lap top requires) and it is not that difficult to use (Once it is SET UP.  Did I mention that?!).

Well, that’s the news for now.  Dad is much better – smiling, watching TV, and complaining about the hospital.  That makes us all happier.  It especially makes me happier because I found out that, during Dad’s ordeal, I stressed out and that shot my blood sugar up from about 110-almost 210 at times.  It wouldn’t go down.  It even went up after a self-imposed 17 hour fast!  When I finally saw on Google (Gotta love Google) that stress can do that, I went through my relaxation responses, said my prayers, and mentally chose to relax.  This morning was 124.  Still a bit high, but I could eat.  I will simply have to refocus my attention on being calm when things are bad around here.  Who woulda thunk it?

Namaste,

Scott