So Much and So Very Little

Well, my little corner has had its own ups and downs in the last week.  Looking at the map I follow ( Here )  has been telling me a lot, none of it very good.  Even now, when the US seems to be starting to level off, there are still places that have me sad.  NYC is one of those mixed places.  An awful amount of illness and death there (5000+ dead), they have a designation as number #5 in a list of Countries (not cities) in the world in illness/death.  But, the city seems to be coming back slowly.  I notice a slowdown in new illnesses and even death there.  Gives me hope.  At the same time, I get worried when I don’t hear from athingirl, who is from NYC, but I did find she wrote a post about 12 hours ago that I must have missed.  Those things worry me now.

It’s the same with Blessed with a Star on the Forehead  is another from the NY state.  They are very different people, but I love both of them.  She also penned something today, so I feel glad that I have every reason to think her well, too.

Back to my area.  In the tri-county area of Indiana around my small town, there are about 59 occurrences and 11 deaths confirmed.  This has me worried because my Aunt is in a nursing home that had 11 who died (all of them? or are they missing some?).  She has had COVID-19 for over a week now.  I thought she was better (and may well be), but I am told she is having labored breathing problems but no fever and getting good meds.  Mixed blessing.  My own Mom (in her mid-80s) is stuck at home and is alone.  I call about twice a day and make sure I get her groceries and that she is doing okay.  I did a large grocery trip yesterday to Walmart (yes, the virus does, indeed, change things).  I was upset at all the people, young and old, who were not wearing gloves nor masks (I only saw 4 wearing masks and no gloves).  I saw a couple of workers in masks and gloves, but not my cashier.  I also noticed that she did not clean down the belt, even though I waited for her.  They did have food and I was able to get most of what I wanted and a lot of what I had to have in good quantities for both Mom and I.

What aggravated me the most, I think, was that in my little town of under 4,000 (maybe under 3,000), when I pulled into the larger gas station there, I saw a group of 4 female teens walking together (close) with no gloves and no masks on them.  Then, 2-3 boys pulled up to the station and they all stood around talking sans gloves/masks.  All I could think of was that they all have parents and grandparents who are NOT in the same risk category they are and even THEY should realize that just because you can do a thing doesn’t mean you should do a thing.

On the brighter side, I am okay with my own stay at home.  My housekeeper has not been able to clean here for about 3 weeks and it looks to me like another 2-3 before I will even THINK about it.  However, I am not making much of a mess and am doing some cleaning.  I use the computer and tablet as my escapes.  I binge Netflix (currently, 7 seasons of Voyager), watch several movies, play video games, and am still beta testing the up-coming DLC “Wastelanders” for Fallout 76 on April 14th.  Life is much quieter without the Scammers and Want-my-money people not calling.  I estimate I am now receiving about 4-6 calls a day less.

 

So, Mom and I both say “Hi” to all and may you have health and happiness in this mess of times.

The Law of Attraction and God look over you all (and I don’t think the two are separate),

Scott

Continue?

As I often do, I read all the wonderful posts by people I have come to admire and even love in that way you care for close friends.  I won’t list them here in full, so please forgive if you believe you are on that list and I don’t put your blog here.  I follow a great deal and read so few when compared, but there are those I try not to miss or to, at least, read when I can. Please the attached links only lead back to my blog.  If you want to visit (And I truly hope you do), use the search option on the name of the blog.

Bye the way, Truth and Cake is the very first blog I followed.  I haven’t seen her blogs in a long time, but she was given a prime spot blog link after just blogging a few weeks!  I was in on that and, I believe, I read posts from her engagement through her wedding.

After the name:

** – Close friends.  I try hard to read every post they post.

*-Friends.  I try to read most posts

@ – Past Friends.  I would read a post if they posted,

athingirldotcom  **

Boomie Bol **

Powered by Robots **

Sound Bite Fiction 

k. Rawson **

Sarah Potter Writes *

Pandora’s Box **

Reena Saxena*

Pam Grout**

“On Dragonfly Wings with Buttercup Tea” *

Arianna Merritt, MEd – Educator & Blogger.*

Momus News 

aghostdancer**

But I Smile Anyway… *

only bad chi @

Harvesting Hecate **

anelephantcant **

theinnerwildkat **

MOLLIE PLAYER *

I Survived a Murder Attack — My Family Didn’t @

Debra Kristi *

Renee Writes Here @

Go Jules Go **

Katrina Perkins **

This, that and the other thing **

brainsnorts inc. @

Rochelle Wisoff-Fields-Addicted to Purple *

who is bert *

I think in comics. @

the news with nipples 

Blessed with a Star on the Forehead **

clotildajamcracker @

Mullberry Whine 

Girl Boner® **

4am Writer*

joeccombs2nd **

lazylauramaisey **

Grace for Rett Syndrome **

Orton Gillingham Online Academy **

Robin Coyle @

Hope* the happy hugger @

Pretty Feet, Pop Toe @

Alienhippy’s Blog @

Susie Lindau’s Wild Ride **

Dayna Lopez @

somkritya @

Everyday Asperger’s @

Truth and Cake @

As I look back on this list, I see 3 things.

First,  I have and have had a lot of friends, many of whom I still talk to after years of following.  I have only met 2 of them Dayna Lopez and Orton Gilliangham director – Marisa Bernard.

Second, There are a lot of past blogs I used to read, but who don’t post hardly at all.

Third, I really understand why I am online so very much with blogging.

Even though I may not blog often (I began blogging with doing so every single day for over a year), I have been blogging for over 10 years now (just got my attaboy from WordPress the other day).

People have helped me through difficult times since my stroke, giving me both friends to share with and answers and hopes when I post them.

This post did not go as I had in mind (big surprise there!), but I love where it went.  Thanks to everyone on that list and anyone I may have left out.  I, currently, follow 194 blogs and can’t read them all.  But it does tell me part of why my email inbox has a normal amount of 90-300 emails per day in it!

Love you all.  Namaste,

Scott

Highs and Lows…

I realize my last post was about my being “something Great!”.  I also realize how pumped up I normally am.  It  just goes to show you we are all human.

I had a kinda meltdown today.  Nothing drastic, nothing even serious – but still significant to me.  I was taking a shower and had just come off the season 3 finale of “Orange is the New Black” (excellent!).  While in the shower I began to get a fairly uncommon (of recent), but very familiar feeling called “worry” and “stress” hitting me.  I began to have some stomach problems, the water in the shower was a cross between invigorating and irritating and I found myself beginning to get that old “clinched” feeling in  my hands, stomach, and (excuse, please) bowels.

Now, I am (as I said) used to this feeling.  It is what brought me to the bring of exhaustion, brought about such anxiety I had to be decently medicated, made me depressed, and was the basis for my stroke.  Yes, I am familiar with stress and worry.

This time, however, I was able to think it through.  I didn’t spaz out and collapse into tears and all.  What I did was to think about what is bothering me.  All of it:

1)  Dad’s in the nursing home.

2)  Dad may not be with us a whole lot longer.

3)  Mom’s a nervous wreck over Dad.

4)  Sis is not sleeping due to 1-3 above and school starting in a few weeks.

5)  My car is in the shop.

6)  I had a stroke.

7)  I can no longer work and bring in a significant amount of money.

8)  I just had my hip replaced.

9)  I am not dating (not sure if that’s really good or bad).

10)  I don’t sleep well anymore.

11)  My roof has a hole in it and needs to be repaired, but it is raining nearly every day.

12)  Anything else I haven’t thought of so I can have 12 items.

So, a decent list.  I decided God is still in control.  Everything will work out in the end.  And, I needed to do something – So, voila! I am writing to my most wonderful set of friends out here in Blogland.  You are all always so great.  When you have problems, you write about them and you nearly always have great positive things to say when others are down.  It would be great if my top 30 blogging friends lived with me in one city, so we could chat and meet and talk and all…(come on, I know you have, at least, thought about it.).  Not gonna happen, but still…

Look!  Already, just writing to you has brought me mostly out of my funk (I said, “Mostly”).  I am more positive now and will go back to doing what I do and being thankful I have such a great set of people out there.  I would do names, but it honestly has become long enough of a list I would miss at least one person and I don’t want to do that.

So, if you consider me a friend, know I consider you one as well and you have helped out a friend today!

Namaste,

Scott

(PS – I can always use MORE FRIENDS!!!)

All It Takes

Source: Google Image – licensed for reuse. (Click on pic for page)

You know, I could really complain this week.  I mean, I guess we all have the right to complain all the time.  And, some of us probably have good reason; however, I don’t think I will.  When I started this post I wasn’t certain just what direction I was going to take.  A good part of me wanted the feelings I get when I drop everything off my chest and let the world have it.  Then, there’s the other part of me that says, “Why do that?  Things could be so much worse.”  And, finally, there’s the third part.  That’s the one that realizes the complaining part is a temporary fix and everyone else gets tired of hearing it, and the second part is a bit of a cop out because it can ALWAYS be worse.  Just telling yourself that it could be worse doesn’t allow you to feel what’s going on.  You are trapped with the idea that you should never complain because it could ALWAYS be worse.

This third part is that small voice that has you more looking at the positives than the negatives.  You can’t ignore the negatives; that would be the “Pollyanna” attitude of the sun will come out tomorrow thing…  I don’t want that; what I want is simply to see life as it is:  good and bad.

I lost a friend yesterday; he was my chiropractor; he was my family’s chiropractor for many years.  He was a casual friend, but he was a friend.  I knew him by name; I have seen pictures of his ex-wife and his little girl.  I have spoken to him about some personal problems and asked advice.  In short, I knew him; now, he’s gone.  I don’t know any other details yet.  What matters is that there is a little piece of me that has a hole in it, and I know his family has a larger hole.

All of this happening when I am at a point in which I realize I am 56 years old and, while I am getting better, I am not in perfect health.  I have a father whose health is worse than mine.  I have a wonderful sister who has her own set of problems, just like my Mom.  And, I have friends, each with his or her own problems, too.  It just gets me to thinking.

The world is a fleeting place.  We are on it for something less than 120 years.  Then, we are gone.  Life continues; people don’t forget you, but, eventually, there is no one who has actually met you who is still alive.  The things I do here will be reflected in the attitudes and actions of those I know and love.  My children make me proud.  I know that when I do leave this world they are going to be making it a better place rather than causing the problems everyone has to face.  That’s a good feeling.

What’s really great is to know that my writing will survive me.  My blog posts have been a help and/or inspiration to some.  I have made friends and, if I go, they will remember, at least, for awhile.

This post has gone almost full circle; it started out as almost a whine and now has circled back to being a positive note on being here.  This is almost an esoteric posting.  It is intended more to get my thoughts out than to make you think anything in particular.  However, I would be very interested in knowing how you think and feel after reading this.  What say you?

Namaste,

Scott

What is this Thing called Love?

Here we go…me getting all personal and sharing things.  I meet with my stroke counselor about every 3-4 months for an hour.  Not much time, you say, but I try to bring notes and catch her up on everything and she sees what I think is important and asks the good questions back.  We have a good hour and I leave feeling a bit better about how I am handling this shift from well and busy working to home and busy writing.

For the last few months I have been thinking about my future and my personal life, especially, my love life.  Now, let’s define “love”:

Love is an emotion of a strong affection and personal attachment.^[1] Love is also said to be a virtue representing all of human kindness, compassion, and affection —”the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another”.^[2] Love may describe compassionate and affectionate actions towards other humans, one’s self or animals.^[3]

In English, love refers to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes, ranging from pleasure (“I loved that meal”) to interpersonal attraction (“I love my partner”). “Love” may refer specifically to the passionate desire and intimacy of romantic love, to the sexual love of eros, to the emotional closeness of familial love, to the platonic love that defines friendship,^[4] or to the profound oneness or devotion of religious love,^[5] or to a concept of love that encompasses all of those feelings. This diversity of uses and meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, compared to other emotional states.

From http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love

Now, this definition goes on and on about 10 times longer than what is written above.  But, I think that what is here will suffice for what I want to talk about.

Love is looked on as good or bad, depending on what type you are concentrating on.

The main point is that love covers a huge definition of terms, at least, for English speaking people.  As mentioned, love goes from a care or affection for food or a movie up to love of spouse and love of God.  We have created a world of “loves”, different things depending on your point of view.  Oh my!  what a difference your point of view can mean!

I think love must be done in context to mean anything.  The term, “I love eggs” is good for talking about food, but what happens if you are discussing babies or sex?  In the context of a video game it can mean a lot as “Easter Eggs” are something special hidden in the game and often very difficult to find.  And Easter Egg can lead us to a love of chocolate or a love of giving/receiving of cards.  It also can bring the mind back to a romantic love.  I was bad this Valentine’s Day.  I stayed home.  I had no reason to go anywhere and did not ask anyone to dinner because I didn’t want any of the ladies to look me at with the “This is Valentine’s Day!” stare on their face when I just wanted dinner.

Just thinking – I believe that’s me there!

I have a good friend who loves spending time talking and sharing with me, and I with her.  See? there’s that word again.  We get together about 1 time a week and go see a movie and/or eat out.  We do the checks separate and meet somewhere about 1/2 way for us.  The thing is I love doing this, but I draw the line there.  She knows that and we have agreed on it.  It works for us.

The epiphany that I hit last week or in the last few days was that I am not sure if I can love someone.  I don’t mean the “I care about you” or the concern you feel for family or close friends.  What I mean is that I am not sure I can do the romantic, forever type of love.  I didn’t grow up with really good models of that type of love.  Mom and Dad love each other; I can see that.  What I mean is that the last generation before us had a tendency to keep quiet about love and sex and all;  they built love to be something so high and special and all that…. well, at least, I didn’t understand it all, even when I got married.

When you start out without a good idea of how something works, the future of that thing is called into question with every bit of new knowledge.  I think my first wife was in the same boat with me and we just grew apart as we each came to understand what that type of love really meant.  I didn’t figure it out (still haven’t, all of it) mostly until just recently.  I read all of the posts and see the movies, read the books, watch the news, and think a lot.  What I come up with is not so much a definition of the term, but the fact that so many definitions are out there and I am looking at one of them with the others surrounding me.

I picture sexual love.  I can see that one.  It’s fairly straight-forward and our society deals with that one constantly.  I can see love of a friend.  Whether or not I like everything about a friend (and, I usually don’t) I can stay friends because we are not together 24/7, and I have a time to be away and recoup.  I can see and understand a love of routine and activities.  I love the things I do and have.  It is comfortable to have a routine established.

I love music and movies, and video games.  These are things that I am comfortable with and can deal with for hours without feeling any sense of loss.

But, the idea of caring about someone above all others, of wanting to be with them forever, of wanting them to stay with me by my side in “our” home;  that idea doesn’t sit will with me.  I enjoy my own time, my quiet time, my escape time.  I like that, when I get home from dealing with others, I will be by myself and can escape into other things.

Does that make me strange?

Does that make me a bad person?

Does that mean I can never love?

These questions do not bother me so much as intrigue me.  I don’t consider myself strange or bad.  I assume I can love, but it’s the type that I wonder about.

At present, I do not see me interested in spending my life with someone else in a “live-in” or marital relationship.  I can see me forming an intimate bond but it would have its limits.

Is that wrong?  I don’t see it as so.

It is limiting, but it seems to me that I am saying I am okay with those limits.  And, I believe I am.  The problem becomes that I am not used to this world.

Are there women out there who feel the same?

More importantly, are there women out there who feel the same and will deal well with a disabled person?  That seems to cut the numbers down significantly.

So, I am not sad, not disappointed, nor despondent.  More, I am curious and trying to look at this as a challenge and try to figure out how to meet these people that I feel certain exist.

What are your thoughts?  How do you feel about love?

Namaste,

Scott