Tag Archives: life

On Hating Yourself…

Let me preface this with another TED talk.  Watch it if you wish, it is rather sad, but informative...The Depressed Comic.

I watched this and what it truly did was to bring back memories.  Memories of my youth, my 20s, my 30s, my 40s, and even some of my 50s.

A lot of the blogging world knows me.  They know Scott, the guy who had the NDE when he stroked out at a restaurant, and who came slowly back to life and health to be who I am now. Yep, a lot of you whom I call friends know that me.  Some of you out there know some about that earlier me.  Some of my friends around me know that me; some of my family even, however, I don’t think anyone knows the early me very well.

I say this because of a discussion/confession I had with my Mom not too awfully long ago.  This was a discussion about my late Dad.  We were talking and I spoke up (finally) about how Dad only gave me two options in college:  Doctor or Minister.  I went to high school with only those two opportunities under my belt.  I dreamed of other things, but those were it.  Dad said either make good money or serve God.  I said this to Mom and her response was, “No, he didn’t.”  My response back was, “You weren’t there.”  This went on just a bit and I told her there were a lot of things Dad told me that she, most likely, didn’t know.  I always assumed she was in agreement with him (why wouldn’t I?).  I told her about how mean Dad often treated me (actually, to him, it was just manly, the way you were supposed to).  She didn’t believe me, at first.  She just kept saying, “You know your father loved you.” It was almost a question.  I told her that I know that now, but then?  I was little and it didn’t feel like love.

I tell you all that so you can understand that I went to college as a young man who knew nothing of sex (it wasn’t talked about), little of life, and studying a subject that I only thought I wanted: religion.

I saw God as “our Father”, mean (for our own good), merciful (to a point), and punishing (if you didn’t follow His ways).  He was my father, and, to be truthful -it scared me- but I didn’t really like Him.  There was a side to me that was wanting to know about sex, about young women, about life, about death, about everything – you know, normal.  And, I had become so scared of what the world might think that I gave it all up to be the “perfect” giver, doing everything for everyone except myself.  Because of this, I didn’t sleep, got sick often, had stomach problems, was nervous, and had a deep complex about myself.  I wanted to go to Heaven, but “knew” I didn’t deserve it.

I got married, raised two wonderful children, got divorced, dated, remarried, took care of two other children, saw mine on scheduled times, tried to please everyone, and was tired, miserable, still sick, and heading toward a reckoning.

That reckoning had begun when my local doctor had prescribed Prozac, the wonder drug, for me.  I felt the difference the very next day.  Life lifted, colors were brighter, I was better, a little happier.  I stayed on Prozac quite awhile, quite a bit during my first marriage. I went off it, without asking my doctor, and, about a month later, had a bad episode.  Now, things get fuzzy in this time, so I will just summarize:

I began to get worse, my marriage was falling apart, I started to see a counselor.  He passed in the last couple of years and I wish I had seen him one more time to tell him all of the good he did me. Anyway, I continued working, went through my second divorce (one that took longer and was harder on me), got to the point that I threw up every day after work and would walk miles until I could handle being home and still.  I was constantly afraid of nearly everything and had high blood pressure (partly handled) and just a mess in general.

Finally the break (not a break, but an episode) where I had to call my parents to come get me and, over dinner at Pizza Hut, talk them into taking me to a Stress Center.  Actually, had to go to emergency ward and tell the doctor that “No, I had considered suicide; I just had times when I wished I weren’t around.”  I checked into a Center and stayed two weeks.  Did me a lot of good, but the doctor who treated me was later found guilty of Medicare Fraud, lost his Indiana license, and I don’t know about jail or fine or whatever.

I went back to work, within a few weeks I went back to the Center for the weekend (I was told this was quite normal), then lived very skittishly at work and home.  Actually, I had moved back home with my parents and made a 45 minute commute daily to work.  My routine was to get up, work, drive home, watch TV till 10, go to bed, and repeat.  On Friday evenings, I immediately began worrying about Monday morning.

I quit my job after about 6 years over stress and all, tried to write a book, then went back to school to teach elementary school and thought my dreams had come true.  I got to teach special education for 6 years, but had never handled my stress, depression, and anxiety very well.

On May 7, 2010, in the evening, I was on a date with my girlfriend.  We were having a discussion/argument over staying together and I had a stroke.  She took me to the hospital and, for the next 15 months.  I went through rehab and counseling before trying to go back to teaching.  I made it 7 months,stopping in Feb of my 7th year, and became disabled.

I have found that, becoming disabled, has been the best thing for my life.  I have also learned that Life works this way, God works this way.

The stroke reset my brain, as is often the case, and I became settled for the first time in my memory.  I have problems: issues with balance, trouble with double vision, a bit of weakness here and there, and short-term memory issues.  However, my OCD disappeared, as did my depression.  My counselor gave me that diagnosis, saying that while I still had a little anxiety, she found no depression!  I take a small anti-depressant/anti-anxiety (always good to cover both, I am told, as anti-anxieties can bring about depression), but am just very happy, positive, and see life as loving.  I am upbeat, outspoken, and unafraid to talk about anything (sometimes a bit too much so, I am told).  I am a new person.

And so, I started my blog after leaving teaching and here I am: whole and happy.

Now, you know a lot more about me.  Do you need to talk?  Do you want to share?  I am here bookman23@comcast.net.  I am not afraid to take that step with you.  Read other posts…you will see.

Namaste,

Scott

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OMG!!!

I can’t introduce this woman or her talk other than to say 2 things:

  1. It starts out dealing with her cancer.
  2. That’s the only thing about cancer in the talk.

The Talk!

Wow!!!

Namaste,

Scott

45 (make that 46) Ways to Live

This was posted by a friend of mine.  It is worthwhile.  Some are repeats…read them anyway (It takes 18 times to make a habit).

7% Written by a 90 year old

This is something we should all read at least once a week!!!!! Make sure you read to the end!!!!!! 
Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio .
“To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I’ve ever written.
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short – enjoy it.
4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don’t have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.
7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye, but don’t worry, God never blinks.
16.. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.
18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
19.. It’s never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative of dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have, not what you need
42. The rest is yet to come…
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.”
My add to the mix:  “All things work out in the end.  If it hasn’t worked out, it isn’t the end.”
Namaste,
Scott

Life Goes On or is it the Beat Goes On?

Life does not stare or smile or yell

Life does not make Heaven or hell

I started writing the about two lines intending on creating a poem about life.  After the two initial lines, I realized there was nothing coming forth.  That’s unusual for me and means I am either tired, sick, or simply not in the mood.  I am tired and I don’t think I am in the mood.  So, I was gong to delete the lines and start a post and realized that the lines have already started a post.  I just need to finish it.

Boomie Bol wrote a wonderful post on her twins finishing kindergarten.  As I read it, I waxed just a bit melancholy.  I realized I was reliving a bit of my past, when my children, not twins, finished things…kindergarten, and now I am remembering school, college, jobs, weddings, friends, boy/girlfriends, other parts of life for them.  Time is, indeed, fleeting.  More than that, however, time works hard to remove our memories, putting distance between them and us.  Our mind helps to bridge that gap.  My mind often falls short, since my stroke.  I don’t remember a lot of things and I know, in a small way, how getting old and having Alzheimer’s might feel.  Not a pleasant thought to dwell on.

I have been a bit negligent in my writings as of late.  I have not had much of the interest, to tell the truth.  Not wanting to stop; I simply let life get in the way.  After all, it’s more important.  I have been living and learning; my life has taken some major hits and some bounds in the last couple of months.  I have made several poor decisions and some decent ones; both have changed my life.

Both are also fairly personal, so I will not go into details, at least, now.  But, suffice it to say, my life has changed and, as a result, I have changed.  I am growing – I am a bit more critical and a bit more understanding.  I have glided through many days fighting aliens and mutated beasts online.  I have done some singing and some crying.  I have plowed through dishes only to see that my cabinet is, again, filled.  My kitchen table and countertops are a mess as is my dining room table – all just from ignoring the fact that I tend to make piles when I am not consciously trying to keep up.

Dad is in the nursing home.  We play chess, about 4 games 3x week, and I win the majority.  I worry about him as I see him forget, for a moment, how the pieces move or what exactly is going on.  I have tried picturing life without him and know I will continue, but as for Mom…

Sis is, today, taking her last rad/chemo treatment for her cancer.  Surgery is in a month, followed by more chemo.  They believe they will get it all and she should be fine, but, from having a stroke, I know that it will never be quite the same.  It will be better in some ways and worse in others.  I hope for her that, like me, the positives outweigh the negatives.

I have begun (into my 2nd month) of working out at Planet Fitness.  I go 3x a week for about 30-40 minutes.  I know that I am sore, tired, and thirst a lot – but I also see that I am walking farther, faster, and lifting more easier than I did.  That will have to be my strength – knowing that when I have my hip surgery in late July that I will be home in only a couple of days instead of 3 weeks like before.  I also notice a strong toning up in my abs and stomach.  I doubt I will ever get back to that well-honed person I was at 33, but still, I know I can be better…so, I will try.

Consider yourself as caught up as you can be for now.

I am getting ready to go work out yet again, then see Dad tonight.

Now, if only some beautiful woman would call, text, or drop me an email (sigh)…always the dreamer.

Namaste,

Scott

Rebuilding Your Life? Yeah, I Know…

This is a link to one of Rian’s posts.  It’s an important post.  Read it.  If you understand it fully, then you have been in similar circumstances.  If you don’t, then try to put yourself there and understand now, before…

Rian, you are wonderful!

Rebuilding a Life

Namaste,

Scott

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