Tag Archives: living

Killing Me Slowly…

Hayden Panettiere has entered a clinic for depression.  I loved watching her on “Heroes”.  I suffered a serious bout of depression (actually depression/anxiety) before my stroke.  I was in counseling for many years and medicated somewhat  moderately.  Hayden’s trip to the center has reinforced my knowledge that being rich and famous does not insulate you from the world’s problems.  The world inside our heads comprise the biggest part of our lives.

I watched a commercial tonight concerned with a new drug meant to treat type 2 diabetes.  It sounded promising except for the part where the side-effects can be much worse than the the illness.  I mean really, I take a drug to help me not have pancreatitis and not have to go on dialysis for kidney failure and those are two of the possible side-effects!

I saw an advertisement today that stated “Too many people are counting calories and not counting chemicals.”  How true is this!  We seek so hard to maintain a good weight and body type that we ingest hundreds of chemicals that can kill us – slowly, but still…

I read about cleansing our bodies (doing an internal cleansing) because we are bombarded by thousands of pollutants weekly.  So the air we breathe, the crops we eat, the milk we drink, the water we take in, the soaps we use – all of these can have contaminants that ravage our bodies and kill us slowly…

Is it just me or does it seem to you that our world, our sciences, our governments, our very selves are working overtime to kill us slowly?  I mean, with all the problems, all the poisons, all the global events, all the global warming, the food shortage, the water impurities, the splinter groups, the big pharma, the advertisers, the sweat shops, the new viruses, the dumping of chemicals, the image of the perfect woman-man-child-family is it any wonder that we are nearly all suffering from illnesses without and within that are killing us slowly, but without pause?

I did not set out to write a downer post.  I set out by writing from a couple of things I noticed today and just decided to keep writing.  I didn’t come up with a title until about the third or fourth paragraph in.  But, it really is as I see it – we are killing each other and ourselves.

You don’t think you are a part of it?  Let’s keep going a moment.  How many parents push their children into sports, into career fields, into families, into lifestyles?

How many of us expect our friends to be a certain way, act a certain way, do things a certain way?  How many of those ways are nothing really more than excuses to make them fit into our own little world instead of working out a way for all of us to fit together into a newer and better world?

How many of us ram commercials and needs and ways of being into and onto other family members so that our own way of doing things or of buying things will not appear to be too much or cut us short by not having enough?

And finally, how many of us say or do things purely to make ourselves count to someone else or to appease someone or some figurehead?  How many of us are acting in a manner that is consistent with an idea we think has to be upheld instead of insisting what we truly know is right is upheld?

Tired yet?  I am.  All of this has been building up in me and I really didn’t realize it.  Yet, today, I found myself yelling at cars again.  Yelling because the drivers did something that simply made me angry.  They didn’t really break my three rules of :  1) Don’t hurt me, 2) Don’t scare me, 3) Don’t slow me down.  I am usually very content if you keep those three rules.  I am even okay most of the time if another driver stretches those rules a bit because I am not upset and not in a hurry.

So, I find myself upset, angry, and venting a bit.  Is it my dad being in a nursing home and probably never coming out?  Is it that my life since my stroke has been tough and always changing?  Is it that my mom and my sister are scared and worried because the man who has always been in their corner just isn’t up to it now?  Is it that I no longer sleep well and have spent the last couple of months doing more mental and even physical work than I had gotten used to doing since my stroke incident 5 1/2 years ago?


I have been s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-d nearly to my breaking point and, other than you dear readers, I have had no one I trusted enough to vent to.

So, now I have vented.  Now, I have spoken truths I have kept to myself.  Now, I have purged a bit…done a cleansing…freed my mind.  Has it served a purpose?

I don’t know…

What I do know is I have passed on information I really wanted you to know.  And, now, I have realized, other than that, none of it is my responsibility.  You have my information.  You have the ability to think.  You have me to question…the rest is all up to you.  Decide or don’t.  I finally see that all I can do here is report.

I love you all.



My “Why”

This new business I have started is enjoyable and I have gotten to meet some very wonderful people.  What’s more I am finding that even those people outside my two groups are wonderful, too.  We went to a Saturday group meeting with some of the national people there and all were great.  I really do love this company.

Now, having said all of that, I am having a bit of a problem.  You see, each of us in the company has a reason to be doing this business.  We call it the “why” and it is somewhat different for each of us.  I have been struggling with this and do not understand why I can’t figure out my “why.”  I am closer, but still not grabbing that brass ring as I go by.

At a meeting on Monday (last night), I got some glimpses inside myself and my problem and they stem, not from the business, but from inside me.  Thus, my sharing this with all of you.

You see, I used to feel things very strongly.  I was high-strung, nervous, shy, and stressed out, and this caused me to feel very strongly.  The stroke settled a lot of that.  Now, my blood pressure is normal and my sugar is normal (thank God for both) and I don’t fly off the handle or get very nervous or upset about anything.  This seems to have, also, caused me to lose some of my intense feelings about other things.  I don’t feel so strongly anymore.

The problem, then, is that when I try to find the emotional reason for me to do this new job opportunity well, I can’t feel strongly like I used to, so it eludes me.  I know it’s there, but it is below the surface and I am struggling.

So far, the best answer has come from a person I truly respect in this new job area.  He has been in it for about three years and I admire him greatly.  His suggestion is helping me.  He says:

Imagine you are back in the hospital after the stroke and you have found out that you are not going to make it.  Think of the things you wish you had done before you go.  What are those things?  Those will be your “why.”

So, I did.  I took myself back to that very scary time and tried to think how I would have felt had I thought I was going to die.  I realized that what I would have regretted most is not helping my Sister and children to be in a place of contentment, at least, financially.  This led me to understand that what I want to do most is to simply help people.  Starting with those I love and moving outwards, I wish to make others feel better and smile and know that the world is a good place with good people in it.

This is not a new concept to me, however, it has helped me refocus.  I still don’t have any overriding feelings about it, but now I know this is right – that much feels good.

All of this also helped me to realize that I did well in my other jobs because of this desire to help people.  Teaching becomes kind of obvious here, but my other jobs also went out to others as I was always gravitating to what I could do to teach and/or help others in those positions, too.

I do miss those strong feelings of attachment to thoughts and ideas, but I also know that I will live much longer because I have mellowed out and my emotions run milder.  This has also helped me understand the post I did earlier about my not being certain I know what love is:  that emotion does exist, however, it is mellowed and I don’t recognize it anymore.

How about all of you?  Do you have your “why” to exist?  How are your emotions?  Are you lost or confused?  Do you have it all together or are there parts of you that seem disjointed and, perhaps, unfeeling?

I do say a pray for all of you to grow and learn and to know your why.  I am still growing and learning.



A Few Questions to Ponder

I Don’t pay for good questions or suggestions, so don’t ask!

I have been in a thoughtful mood as of late.  One of the areas I have been concentrating on and reading about is personal growth.  Whether that be to find a mate, a date, or what to have for supper it is important to understand the why you do something and, perhaps, the should you do it.

The books I have been reading talk about growing in many areas, partly to be able to hold a solid conversation and to have an opinion on things.  Apathy is, indeed, a conversation killer and it also stagnates the mind.  In order to have an opinion that is worth something, you must be informed well on whatever it is you are holding an opinion of.  Take, for example, the highly-charged last presidential election.  You could vote simply by party.  My parents mostly do that.  So do an awfully lot of people I personally know.  I try hard not to do that.  I listen and read some from both sides and listen some more.  Then I actually research a few items, especially near election time.  It doesn’t make me better than anyone, but it does round out my personality and I can, usually, see both sides in an argument.  It allows me to talk and to talk intelligently.

But, getting back to the task at hand, I would like to simply pose a few questions for you to ponder.  I would love for you to answer them in the comments, but I will have done my job if I just get you to do the questions.  At least, try to tell me that you read them and are looking at them (if you are).

1)  What is the greatest thing in the world to you?  Why?

2)  What is the most charged topic you can think of for you?  How do you stand on it?  Why?

3)  Are you more read, in general, than most of your friends?  family?  Does that make it harder or easier to talk with them?

4)  Do you consider current books and/or movies important enough to research and to understand before you give an opinion?

5)  Thinking of number 4, how do you feel about music?

That will do.  Enjoy the questions.  Have fun with them.  Get a dialogue going here if you want to.  It’s supposed to be enjoyable to learn and to discuss.  If it isn’t, maybe we best start looking there first!



Living in the Moment

I had thoughts of using this post to compare and contrast “Man of Steel” which I reviewed in another post >>here<< and “World War Z” which I watched tonight.  However, things seem to be moving along a different route – I, in case you haven’t guessed, have been thinking pensively.

Now, don’t go off the deep end for me, I am not lost in depression or some such; I am just realistically thinking and it isn’t necessarily pleasant, but it’s not bad either.  It depends on your chosen point of view.  I have decided that I am just thinking and that is good.

I spent most of the day yesterday on a road trip.  I drove a couple of hours to see a good friend of mine.  We had a movie day and got to know each other better.  She is a hoot.  She loves scary movies, so we had lots to do and to talk about.  Her guy lives quite a distance away and he was cool with it; that is refreshing, to say the least.  She is disabled; she lives in a wheelchair and, being disabled myself, that too provided a lot of talking time.

Thing is we didn’t see each other as disabled; we just saw each other as two friends who had to take a bit of extra time to do things.  She had an excellent term for it, but my fuzzy brain can’t recall it right now.

So, that collided with my experiences on dating sites.  She is disabled, worse than I am, yet she has a boyfriend who loves her and who she loves.  I kept wondering:  What does that make me?

Now, that’s where the depression could have set in; however, it didn’t.  What did happen was that I saw things just a bit clearer because of the previous day.

Two days ago, I had signed up to do online surveys to try and make some extra money.  This also led to accepting calls for MLMs.  None of the experiences were particularly good except that there is a service out there that I do like.  They sell online cards/delivery and seem pretty good.  But, that’s not the point here:  the point is that I got totally worn out answering the calls, dealing with the people, and sorting through the surveys.  The surveys formed hours of work and I wasn’t qualified for most of them, therefore, no money.  So, what I did was to wear myself totally out, then take an exhausting trip leading up to today.

Today, I am worn out.  I did go and see two movies, but they taught me more than that.  What I realized when the previews were coming on for the first movie was that I was already thinking into the second movie.  Would I make it in time?  What would I do if I didn’t?  Would this movie be good enough to be worth that?  Should I just leave now and go ask?

All those questions were shooting through my mind instead of simply enjoying the movie.  I realized then that what I was doing was what gave me so much trouble in my first marriage:  I wasn’t living in the moment.  Both my first wife and I were always living in the future, planning out about 10 years at a time.  It caused us both to miss the present, at least, a lot of it.

I stopped thinking and switched to living in the present.  I watched the movie and enjoyed it.  Then, I went to the second movie and found myself doing it again.  I had to stop and focus on the present.  I did and enjoyed that movie, too.

What I walked away with was a sense that part of my problem of being down about not dating and such was a ridiculous thing when I realized how much I was enjoying living in the present moment.  I have it pretty good and I needed to see that it stays good until I start letting the future take me out of it.  It was a deep conversation in my head and it is continuing now.  It’s good; I am growing…wow!



What a Kid / What a Guy!

His name is Zach Sobiech and he left this world on May 20, 2013.  His death from cancer was a harsh reality, but the life he lived and the people he influenced are amazing.

One of the things I try to do in a post is make you think.  One of the things I try to not do is waste your time.  This video is a little over 22 minutes.  It is a heart-warming 22 minutes; it is a sad 22 minutes; but, above all, it is a 22 minutes that will not be wasted if you watch it.  I admit that I cry; it’s good for you to cry; this video, then, was good for me.

My life is such that I know I won’t be around forever and it is never a good time to leave.  But, I am getting to the point, at least, that I have been open and honest enough that people know how I feel and know that I love them.  Each of you out there needs to know that I love you all.

In the video, Zach keeps talking about his song, “Clouds”.  I found it on YouTube:




Beauty lies within yourself

The only impossible journey in life is you never begin!! ~Tanvir Kaur


Philosophy is all about being curious, asking basic questions. And it can be fun!

North Noir


carly books

I read lots of books, from mythology retellings to literary fiction and I love to reread books from childhood, this is a place to voice my thoughts for fun. I also like to ramble about things such as art or nature every now and again.



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love each other like you are the lyric to their music

The Grief Reality

Normalising the conversation about Grief.

meditations on home, belonging & all things literary

We are all Kindred Spirits; connected in Life


The website where movies count

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