One of Those Nights

One of Those Nights

by Scott Vannatter

9/13/2019

So very much happens, sleeps eludes,but remains close.

One of those nights.

Darkness spills through the filmy shades of the room

Filling it with the fragrance of night and things dark and beautiful.

_

I sit listening to David, telling of his love for a woman, in song.

One of those nights.

My own thoughts pour forth, silent and sweet,

Forming images of those I have loved in the before.

–

This starts the cycle again, past to present.

One of those nights.

The story, the saga of all the life I dropped into caring.

Putting myself, all I could bring up, into the desires filling me.

–

Those desires don’t rage anymore, simply take over, spilling.

One of those nights.

Sleep will come; it always does, well, mostly.

Resting once more, the morning brilliance overshadowing…

–

One of those nights…one of these days.

-Scott L Vannater 9/13/2019

My Life and Welcome to It (Old Show, new Meaning)

I was talking to someone the other day who told me about several people who were praying for my health.  Thank you all.  I did think, however, that a better explanation of my situation was needed.  I realized that it is normal day to me, getting there for Mom, and much less so for all others.

I have several problems.  I am not complaining.  I believe in all things working out for good and, though I may not like it, I can see most of the hows and whys of the entire deal.

I had a stroke on May 7, 2010.  It was a hemorrhagic mid-brain stroke.  That means that I had a small blood vessel burst in my brain (from BP too high 250/150 and aggravated by my Blood Sugar at 300).  This stroke caused me to have double vision, my right eye is always dilated and my left eyes is never dilated.  I also have balancing issues which are caused by my neuropathy (next) and my eyes.  I had had diabetes for over a year.

I have neuropathy. That is a condition in which the nerves in an area have bad circulation and, therefore, stop functioning as well or periodically as well.  I have 3 types of neuropathy.  I have neuropathy in my feet, causing numbness and loss of balance and occasional pain.  I do not take medication for the pain as it is short-lived, but intense.

The second area I have neuropathy in is (let’s keep it PG) my male reproduction system.  Nuff said.  Ask me if you want more info.

The third area of my neuropathy is my stomach.  Called Gastro Paresis (stomach stops), this condition comes when the Vegas nerve to your stomach stops or slows down transmitting to your stomach. This, in turn, causes your stomach to digest food slowly or not at all for a period of time.  If it is long enough, the food in your stomach goes rancid, sending a vile taste to my mouth and followed (in about 1 hour) by vomiting, then by diarrhea.  This lasts anywhere from 2-10 hours.  I have some very quick-acting medicine for under my tongue (3-5 minutes) which, if I get it in time, can slow or stop the nausea and prevent (hopefully) the vomiting.  I am told not to stop the diarrhea because the bad food needs to get out of my system and that’s the safest and quickest way.  I am getting better at doing things to help prevent or limit the occurrences of Gastro Paresis.  I have been told there is no cure, though sometimes it stops altogether.  I can help by:

1. limiting my protein intake
2. limiting my sugar intake
3. limiting my fiber intake
4. eating smaller meals
5. drinking an increased (much) amount of liquids

All of the above keep your stomach emptier and allow it to flow better so it stays empty and food won’t spoil.  It has helped greatly.  I spent, literally, years eating much protein and fiber to help my diabetes, so 1 and 3 have been a big change.

I am now on insulin.  We don’t have the dosage exactly right yet, so it goes back an forth on readings.  However, we are getting there.

The good news is that since the stroke retired me (disability) at 51, I am home and can treat it the way it needs treated.  Being single has helped also.  I have a Mother who is getting older and needs my help and I have good friends, my blog, my Word with Friend games, my fiverr writing, my Amazon for the local library, and my video games to keep me occupied and happy.  Yes, yes, I have my cat, too.  She is a toss up as I wouldn’t want to do without her, but she, frequently, gets on my nerves. lol.

The Gastro Paresis has one advantage.  Eating less and having much less choices (say no ice cream or chocolate) has led to a loss of 23 pounds since April, most of it this May-August. It is a bad way to loss weight, right up there with, well, throwing up intentionally.  However, I am working to stop it and keep the pounds off as well.

The Gastro Paresis is not deadly at this stage.  The biggest problem is dehydration.  I had a few bouts in which I could not keep any liquids down for over 6-8 hours and had thrown all mine up, so I had to go to the ER for saline solution in my arm.

Thank you to all who know, who care, who now understand better.  You are all loved.  I am, often, amazed at how many wonderful friends I have here.  It is something I don’t mind being surprised at.

Namaste,

Scott

 

You Died – a poem

You Died

by Scott L Vannatter

June 28, 2019

You died.

Nothing ever tore at my soul as much.

Life nearly ceased to be; peace did so.

Could the anguish of one thing really

devastate so much the core of my being?

You died.

And a part of me, hidden deep within,

shuddered and paled, the life blood leaving

the shell of a man to hold up the gates of life.

You died.

The very love-sense which made me that special

type of human, one who loved, ran, fleeing to parts

of the darkest forest imaginable, cowering in the roots

of the deep tree in which the forest began

those many eons ago.

You died.

My life cannot continue with this path

set before me; the one which sees you with every breath

and pushes you out when I, exhausted, lie down to sleep.

Sleep has no meaning; I wake the same, rotting.

You died.

At least, that’s what I tell myself

as you live your life, calmly, without me.

I am undone as are all whose love never knew

fruition truly.

One who never spoke, and now, never will.

Christmas Eve 2018

I am not here to take away from  your celebrations.

I am sitting here at my computer, our big celebration over, and thinking that I like the quiet going on right now.  It’s about 3 hours to midnight on Christmas Eve, 3 hours until the bell tolls and Christmas begins.  Those 24 hours are not the only magical ones in the year, but I watch a lot of people who think so.  Their attitudes get better; they smile more; they are more giving; and, they seem to see many others in a better light.

What more could you ask out of one day?

Merry Christmas to each and every one of you!

Scott

*Grace, a special Holiday care note out to you, Sweet Girl.

Reblog of Mollie Player!

Link below to Mollie’s summary of another good book by Byron Katie.  I haven’t read it yet, but I do love the quotes.

Mollie’s Post 

Namaste,

Scott