Tag Archives: marriage

A Narcissist: What’s So Hard?

I have had the (ahem) pleasure of being with several narcissists in my lifetime.  Not that I knew this then, but now, looking back, I see the clues and all that I wish I had known.  However, since I believe all is perfect, I will continue my life knowing that I really needed to have this in my life for a reason.  I hope it is to help me pick the perfect person for me somewhere down the road, but maybe not.  I will just have to be patient and see.

But I have had people who may really wonder why being with a narcissist is bad; why would it be so difficult.  Rather than I try to tell you, read this article…about 5-8 minutes is not long to find out and it may change your life … for the better.

What is a narcissist?

Namaste,

Scott

FSF- Five Sentence Fiction – Marriage – “To Have and to Hold” PG13

Lillie is getting married tomorrow (today?).  Congrats.  The word for this week’s contributions is “Marriage“.  How fitting.

Enjoy the rest of Five Sentence Fiction‘s entries > HERE <

Source: Google Image Search with License for Reuse Click Pic for Page

Marriage

“To Have and to Hold”

By Scott L Vannatter – October 25, 2014

It was an arranged marriage and Chelsey did not like Hubert one bit.

He was going to be her husband only because her family owed him so much money which he promised to forgive after the ceremony.

This did not, of course, happen and her poor father was going to have to work himself to death in the mine just to keep out of legal problems and from losing his house and family; her mother was sickly and Chelsey was an only child.

On their wedding night, Chelsey, with a smile, told him she would give him what he deserved.

How unfortunate she should be a widow after one night because of a loose rug at the top of the stairs?

___________________________

Namaste,

Scott

Five Sentence Fiction: Marriage

Time for Five Sentence Fiction hosted by Lillie McFerrin.  Five sentences, one story, many entries.  Read mine below, then >Here< Enjoy!

He loved her with all his heart, soul, mind, and body.

Robert knew that he could give her so much more than that other guy; he could give her all the things that truly counted:  love, dedication, affection, memories, as full a life as she could ask for.

He knew it had not been very long, but the longer he waited the more he knew it had to be true and it had to be now;  he wanted her dearly.

He would have married her, given her his all, but he cried himself to sleep knowing it simply could not be.

After all, the book was great, and she was Elizabeth Bennet.

________________________

Namaste,

Scott

Better Marriage – by Divorcees

Do these guys look like divorce material?

Being divorced has, often, given me some insight into seeing the problems others may face in marriage or remarrying.  This article tells several things that divorced couples say they would do different.  Here is a quoted section from the article  ” http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/5-secrets-to-a-happy-marriage–revealed-by-divorce.html  ” .

1. Money. Over the course of her research, one the biggest surprises for Orbuch was the role money played in marital strife. “Many divorced singles say that money was the number one source of conflict in the early years of marriage,” she tells Yahoo! Shine. She also found that, “6 out of 10 said they would not share living expenses in their next relationship.” She recommends that each partner evaluate their own approach to spending and saving money and discuss with their spouse early on. She says there is no one-size-fits-all-financial plan, but couples need to determine their own rules and adhere to them. 

Related: How much Wedding will $20,000 Buy?

 2. Affection. Another surprise was that men crave affection—but not necessarily sex—more than women. “It’s counterintuitive,” says Orbuch, “but men crave feeling special and being noticed by their wives.” She adds that men who report not getting enough nonsexual affection were twice as likely to ask for a divorce, but the reverse was not true for women. “Women are fortunate. We get this kind of affirmation from more people in our lives, our mothers, children, our best friends”—so women tend to need less from husbands.  She recommends carving out time for regular cuddling, kissing, hand holding, and saying “I love you.”

3. Blame. “When divorced couples found fault with their relationship using ‘we’ statements, they were significantly more likely to find love than those who used ‘I’ or ‘you’ statements.” Those who found blame in factors such as being incompatible or too young experienced less anxiety, insomnia, and depression than those who blamed their former partner or themselves for a break-up. Examine what went wrong in the relationship instead of assigning individual blame, suggests Orbuch, and think about how you can resolve conflict better next time. 

4. Communication. Orbuch says a trap many couples fall into is “maintenance” rather than true communication. She suggests having a “10 minute rule” every day when you, “Talk to your partner about something other than work, the relationship, the house, or the children.” The key is revealing something about yourself and learning something about your spouse. “Forty-one percent of divorced people say they would change their communication style,” says Orbuch,“and, 91% of happily married couples say they know their partner intimately.”

5. Move on. Letting go of the past is a key to being in a happy relationship. This is true for people who are currently married as well as those seeking love. If you are irked by thoughts of your partner’s old boyfriend or girlfriend or of a fight that happened weeks ago, you might not be interacting in a healthy, positive way. “That animosity prevents you from being fully present,” says Orbuch. She also points out that people who felt neutral toward their ex were significantly more likely to find love after a divorce. If you can’t let go of your anger, her book outlines a number of exercises including writing a detailed letter to the person you are angry at—and burning it. 

______________________

So, what do you think?  I agree with these 5 points very strongly and see that I didn’t follow them well during my marriages.

Namaste,

Scott

A Young Woman, an Assumption, and My Life

When I was in high school, I was head-over-heels in love with a young woman.  We dated, became close, and things were going very well.  I was the usual guy in school:  I hadn’t thought long-long term.  Marriage was in my head, but I hadn’t done the details.  I just knew this was “the one”.

My family and I went on a trip for two-three weeks to a State Park (Levi Jackson) in KY in the summer.  We had done this before; I always enjoyed it.  This time, however, I was lonely; I missed my bright-eyed, laughing young blonde and had a difficult time thinking of all the time without her.  I believe I wrote several times; I know I sat and thought about her constantly.

Finally, the time was up and we returned home.  I went to see her very soon for a date.  I drove to her house and knocked.  When I was let in, there was another guy there.  He was there for her, of course.  She and I went out, but I was cold and fairly unforgiving; I was angry and hurt.   I remember saying something to her when I dropped her back off, and she knew that we weren’t going out anymore.

I thought back and “realized” what the problem was:  A relative had been talking to me about “French kissing” and had said that you get pregnant from it.  I was fairly naïve then on the subject of sex, so I took him at his word.  Of course, what he meant was that French kissing can lead to other things that get you pregnant.  Anyway, the next time I had seen her she had been ready to try that and I had refused.  I “knew” that the reason she found someone else was that I had not been willing to do that.

She stayed in my head for a very long time after that, decades.  I, finally, reconnected with her when I was in my 50’s.  We had both been married and divorced.  I, having had my filters turned off from the stroke, asked her about why we broke up.  Her statement:  I had been planning to go into the ministry at the time and she could not see herself as a minister’s wife!

I was wrong!  I had been wrong all these years!

Now, I am wiser; now, I understand better.  This has really helped to teach me to ask questions and seek out answers and not to a-s-s-u-m-e.  It’s not that I would have done anything different in this case.  She didn’t want to be a minister’s wife, but couldn’t tell me that, so she chose a rather poor method of letting me know she was done.  However, I might have been different if I had not gone all those years carrying her memory in my head and reliving the times over and over.

What was important was that, had I been able to ask questions and get refinement, I would have asked the relative and things might have turned out a bit different there! 🙂

You ever make an assumption that changed a large part of your life and then find out you were wrong?

Namaste,

Scott

North Noir

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