Tag Archives: marriage

Still the Early Bits of Life – 2 Poems

The darker time of my life.  Simple explanation:  the first poem is about knowing you should divorce, but deciding to stick with it one more time because of hope, mostly.

The second one is, I think, my darkest one.  I remember writing it at work (yeah, the muse hit at a bad time).  I was depressed.  I had broken up with someone who I thought was very special and the one.  She wasn’t and it did not go well at all, hence, my depression.

______________________________________

(unnamed)

By Scott L Vannatter

May 14, 1986

And what was I to do?

___ YOU, sitting there crying, sighing

and I, lost, as usual, not knowing

what to say

what to do.

The words dribble out, the rope slipping,

white gown, ring, and promises sliding down the slope

to be lost FOREVER.

Endless word, circling upon itself and beginning again,

heading back toward that same, fitful end. –sorry-

Such a fragile gift, hands clasped, vows solemn and meant

Care, Love, Life co-exist, mingled with reality and pain.

Then pain moves to the front, other three settle,

waiting – often in vain – for  their (last?) chance.

Trust falters, Anger loves, decibel voices, clear – uncomprehensible.

circling vultures, dark foreboding of the end act.

thread swinging just out of reach.

A leap into the abyss and the choice is made.

The fingers slapping thread and grasping for life.

Hang on! And the i becomes I becomes US once more.

__________________________________________________

Now That the Blackness has Gone

By Scott L Vannatter

9/11/91

Now that the blackness has gone, the swirling void

no longer empty, I am scared.

Blackness is certain, ability to know all exists there.

The pattern now falls into a chaotic maelstrom of events,

each separate but intertwined into an inconceivable lacework

of frantic bits.

I lose myself at times in the seeming senselessness of

it all, and I run, slowly at first, then at a screaming pace

until I collapse breathless and shake in confusion.

Choices abound in a never-ending tornado of life, is life.

I look back, over shoulder, seeing the past catch up, a

horse coming from behind to pass by sneering.

Changes made, outward then inward, slowly then quickly,

a new mold made by cracks and patches, pain stretching the shape

making mountains of molehills, molehills of mountains, a new me.

The change is scariest.  For in the changing I lose the me

of old, a dear friend –to the end- to the end of ends.  (Amen)

The Phoenix rises, but only after the burns have ceased.

I feel the searing, tearing, stabbing, jabbing, pain heats

to nova, exploding in heat of passing passion, confusing senses and

mind spots, thoughts of it all, of nothing at all.

A spot of light, shaft of brilliance, guidance, a hand-hold

to mind-sense.  To this I cling, sing, bring a roulette turn of life to the chaos.

This be the God of me, mine, and I see through my blindness

the specter of man-hope.  Grasping for the straw, the carousel ring,

I wiggle in my saddle, almost fall but held up by helpful hands, I

stack the blocks, one on the other, and the foundation will strong

remain.  I scared, I am, I will ever be – me – to the end (Amen).

A Little More of Life Gone By

Lucky guy. I have a few stories, but no poetry published.

I need to thank you all.  I received some very nice compliments on my … um … earlier poetry and even several agreements that I should show more.  So, I have several things on my plate now.  First, there are about 5-6 more posts of this early poetry.  Second, I promised to expand my FSF selection “Charmed” into a full story.  Finally, I still have Friday Fictioneers and Five Sentence Fiction to keep going on a current basis.  Well, that makes me busy on here and that’s excellent!

I shared that early poetry and I, of course, shared the easy stuff.  There are a few that were written that I call my “dark” works.  I had broken up with someone who I had tried very hard to stay with.  I should have left earlier, looking back, but I didn’t.  She wasn’t in love with me and the post-stroke me would’ve said, “see you” long before.  It hurt me and caused me to view relationships much differently after that.  I guess I was always waiting for “the other shoe to fall”, which is even funny after my “shoe” story in my second marriage.  I thought I had written about that, but couldn’t find it in my posts.

Near the end of my second marriage, my wife was not doing much to help things.  She had a lot on her plate, but so did I.  We went to a counselor to help her daughter.  As part of that process, my wife and I were asked to come a few times so the counselor could see the environment.

After a couple of those sessions, the counselor asked me if there was anything Diane could do to help us stay together.  I said a good beginning would be to take the 4-5 pairs of shoes she constantly left in the downstairs living room up to the bedroom closet.  Diane agreed.  I thought, “simple thing.”

The very next day began with one pair of shoes and by the next appointment there were, again, 4-5 pairs of shoes downstairs.  The night before the appointment, Diane was upstairs in the bedroom.  I was downstairs.  I threw all the shoes, one at a time, up the stairs next to the bedroom door.

That next day, the counselor asked how the “project” went.  I told her.  Diane said, “I am just too tired to get the shoes upstairs when I get home.  Deciding that there was one last thing we could try, I said, “that’s not a problem.  I will clean out the closet next to the front door and move her shoes down there.  She can just walk in and put the shoes in the closet.”  This was readily agreed to.

When we got home I did just that.  Over the next week, I now found 4-5 pairs of shoes on the bedroom floor instead of the living room floor.  The night before the appointment, Diane was reading in the living room.  I, being in the bedroom, threw all the shoes, again one at a time, down the stairs.

It was at this point I fully realized that she was doing this all intentionally or, at the very least, subconsciously, and did not want to get back together.  So, you see, “waiting for the other shoe to fall” is a very appropriate phrase to me.

However, I did not always feel that way.  Here is a poem which I find very difficult to put on here because it tells how I felt when we got married.  As I said last post, I do not always feel the same way as when I wrote the poem.  There are some grammar errors, too.

Diane

By Scott L Vannatter

6/1/93

   Lying awake some evenings while the night settles in,

I look at the gift sleeping next to me, and I am amazed.

I think back on the misery and heartache of growing up and

of growing old, and I am confused.

I feel the sheets shift softly up and down, the rhythm of

your breathing, and I am breathless.

I hear in my mind your voice and heart speaking as one to

to me, and I am happy.

I smell the perfumes of you, your hair, your breathe, your

spirit, and I am home.

I think ahead of our years remaining, the joys and sorrows

to come, and I am content.

For you are Gods gift to me, a match without equal.

You are my comfort, an assurance of tranquility and love.

You are my breathe of life, fresh and clear.

You are my happiness, my song of joy and love.

You are my home, my place of security, trust, and acceptance.

You are my contentment, that which overshadows all tensions.

You are my life, my love, my all . . . you are Diane.

________________________

Namaste,

Scott

What is this Thing called Love?

Here we go…me getting all personal and sharing things.  I meet with my stroke counselor about every 3-4 months for an hour.  Not much time, you say, but I try to bring notes and catch her up on everything and she sees what I think is important and asks the good questions back.  We have a good hour and I leave feeling a bit better about how I am handling this shift from well and busy working to home and busy writing.

For the last few months I have been thinking about my future and my personal life, especially, my love life.  Now, let’s define “love”:

Love is an emotion of a strong affection and personal attachment.[1] Love is also said to be a virtue representing all of human kindness, compassion, and affection —”the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another”.[2] Love may describe compassionate and affectionate actions towards other humans, one’s self or animals.[3]

In English, love refers to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes, ranging from pleasure (“I loved that meal”) to interpersonal attraction (“I love my partner”). “Love” may refer specifically to the passionate desire and intimacy of romantic love, to the sexual love of eros, to the emotional closeness of familial love, to the platonic love that defines friendship,[4] or to the profound oneness or devotion of religious love,[5] or to a concept of love that encompasses all of those feelings. This diversity of uses and meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, compared to other emotional states.

From http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love

Now, this definition goes on and on about 10 times longer than what is written above.  But, I think that what is here will suffice for what I want to talk about.

Love is looked on as good or bad, depending on what type you are concentrating on.

The main point is that love covers a huge definition of terms, at least, for English speaking people.  As mentioned, love goes from a care or affection for food or a movie up to love of spouse and love of God.  We have created a world of “loves”, different things depending on your point of view.  Oh my!  what a difference your point of view can mean!

I think love must be done in context to mean anything.  The term, “I love eggs” is good for talking about food, but what happens if you are discussing babies or sex?  In the context of a video game it can mean a lot as “Easter Eggs” are something special hidden in the game and often very difficult to find.  And Easter Egg can lead us to a love of chocolate or a love of giving/receiving of cards.  It also can bring the mind back to a romantic love.  I was bad this Valentine’s Day.  I stayed home.  I had no reason to go anywhere and did not ask anyone to dinner because I didn’t want any of the ladies to look me at with the “This is Valentine’s Day!” stare on their face when I just wanted dinner.

Just thinking – I believe that’s me there!

I have a good friend who loves spending time talking and sharing with me, and I with her.  See? there’s that word again.  We get together about 1 time a week and go see a movie and/or eat out.  We do the checks separate and meet somewhere about 1/2 way for us.  The thing is I love doing this, but I draw the line there.  She knows that and we have agreed on it.  It works for us.

The epiphany that I hit last week or in the last few days was that I am not sure if I can love someone.  I don’t mean the “I care about you” or the concern you feel for family or close friends.  What I mean is that I am not sure I can do the romantic, forever type of love.  I didn’t grow up with really good models of that type of love.  Mom and Dad love each other; I can see that.  What I mean is that the last generation before us had a tendency to keep quiet about love and sex and all;  they built love to be something so high and special and all that…. well, at least, I didn’t understand it all, even when I got married.

When you start out without a good idea of how something works, the future of that thing is called into question with every bit of new knowledge.  I think my first wife was in the same boat with me and we just grew apart as we each came to understand what that type of love really meant.  I didn’t figure it out (still haven’t, all of it) mostly until just recently.  I read all of the posts and see the movies, read the books, watch the news, and think a lot.  What I come up with is not so much a definition of the term, but the fact that so many definitions are out there and I am looking at one of them with the others surrounding me.

I picture sexual love.  I can see that one.  It’s fairly straight-forward and our society deals with that one constantly.  I can see love of a friend.  Whether or not I like everything about a friend (and, I usually don’t) I can stay friends because we are not together 24/7, and I have a time to be away and recoup.  I can see and understand a love of routine and activities.  I love the things I do and have.  It is comfortable to have a routine established.

I love music and movies, and video games.  These are things that I am comfortable with and can deal with for hours without feeling any sense of loss.

But, the idea of caring about someone above all others, of wanting to be with them forever, of wanting them to stay with me by my side in “our” home;  that idea doesn’t sit will with me.  I enjoy my own time, my quiet time, my escape time.  I like that, when I get home from dealing with others, I will be by myself and can escape into other things.

Does that make me strange?

Does that make me a bad person?

Does that mean I can never love?

These questions do not bother me so much as intrigue me.  I don’t consider myself strange or bad.  I assume I can love, but it’s the type that I wonder about.

At present, I do not see me interested in spending my life with someone else in a “live-in” or marital relationship.  I can see me forming an intimate bond but it would have its limits.

Is that wrong?  I don’t see it as so.

It is limiting, but it seems to me that I am saying I am okay with those limits.  And, I believe I am.  The problem becomes that I am not used to this world.

Are there women out there who feel the same?

More importantly, are there women out there who feel the same and will deal well with a disabled person?  That seems to cut the numbers down significantly.

So, I am not sad, not disappointed, nor despondent.  More, I am curious and trying to look at this as a challenge and try to figure out how to meet these people that I feel certain exist.

What are your thoughts?  How do you feel about love?

Namaste,

Scott

The Story of Me – 2012

Loved this Picture!

I wasn’t going to send this out to my blog friends as you have been with me the whole time, but I did realize that many haven’t been, so, for my recent followers (I wish you were Legion 🙂 ) I sent this letter out to my family and friends via email, so I will share it with you.  To those who know all of what is in the letter below, thanks, you are a part of me – I love you all.

Sincerely,Scott

PS – if you have any questions or need elaboration on anything, don’t hesitate to ask.  You all should know I am, mostly, an open book, ready to be read or referenced.

To:  All My Friends, Relatives, Loved Ones, and Any Others the Previous Doesn’t Cover

Date: December 14, 2012

Good Day,

It seems to me that I have been writing all year, but the fact remains that I haven’t put together anything that concisely tells what this year has been like for me.  To say that it has been long doesn’t do it justice; what it has been is eventful.

Over Christmas of last year, I began getting a bit concerned about various differences in the way I acted and felt.  There were more pains in some areas, less in others; there were just plain out differences in the way I felt.  In January 2012, I was still a part of the New Castle School Corporation teaching 6th-12th grader in Special Ed at the Alternative School.  This came to a grinding halt in late February.  I had to give in to the pain, the inability to remain fully focused, the fact that my fatigue level was going downhill.  That was one of the most difficult decisions to make.  I had wanted to teach since 7th grade and had just signed my 6th contract.  At long last I was doing what I wanted to do and what I thought God wanted me to do.  It was not the first time I have learned that God always has tremendous things in mind for you, no matter where you are, how you are, or what you think.

I decided to dig in and begin my writing in earnest.  Actually, it was in my house, but in earnest sounds so much better!  I found that for my attention span, ability, and the market, short horror fiction worked best for me.  I have, to date, sold 3 stories.  I know they were supposed to be in print by end of October, but I have found that in the writing market deadlines change a lot.  I have been told again that between the 1st of January and the end of February all three stories should see print.  The contract gives them quite a bit of time to do this, so I am not worried or concerned.  It all works out in the end.

I also, began writing daily in my blog, Kindredspirit23 on WordPress.com.  That small (laugh) undertaking began taking over my world.  It was a good thing.  I made friends, learned how to write better, and started making a name for myself in the world of the Internet.  I can now find myself on Google if I try hard enough.

The blog has been in nearly constant growth since the big start in February 2012.  I have gone from trying to hope I get 10 people to look at my posts every day to expecting at least 50.  My biggest day was 150 and it has moved off the statistics block so I am not even certain exactly what that was! Lol I do know that, as of now, 8:45PM, I have had a total of 11,145 visitors to my blog, comments is very near 3,000, and a grand total of 325 followers (not counting Facebook).  I have had at least one person from each of 103 countries view one of my blogs.  It now takes up several hours a day of my time.  I love it dearly.  I have made countless friends through the writings and have come to care for many of them as dear friends.  I do not know the exact number of blogs I am following right now (that means I get emails telling me when they write something new), but it is enough that I am nearly always behind in my readings.  I know it is way over 50.

On November 9, 2012, my daughter, Aarika became Mrs. Aarika White, when she married Josh White.  They live in Noblesville and I do get to see her on a decently reoccurring basis.  She obtained her Doctorate in Psychology this year, so is actually Dr. White.  She was Dr. Vannatter for a little bit, so I am okay J  I wrote a poem about their marriage and love: https://kindredspirit23.wordpress.com/2012/11/08/from-the-perspective-of-the-father-of-the-bride/

Aaron, my son, still lives and works in Portland, Oregon.  My understanding is that he is a software developer for Websites.  I think my knowledge of computers is falling quickly behind.  I will stick with my writing.

I am working now with a Reflexologist as well as my Family Doctor and a Psychological Stroke Counselor.  I seem to be doing well for someone who died and then decided (with some help) to stick around.  My current problems are several.  I do still have double vision; My fatigue level comes quickly; my left hip is in horrible pain most of the time; I do have some neuropathy in my feet; I am a type-2 diabetic (on meds, no shots); and my memory is good, but not perfect.  The memory problems have made it difficult for me to plan ahead well.  My eye and coordination difficulties make life, um, interesting.  Ie:  I drop and knock over a lot of things.  I do use a cane to walk most of the time.

I do sell books, tapes, and CDs on Amazon – the vast majority of the sales are for the Middletown Public Library.  It is charity work that I really enjoy doing and it does seem to make a difference.

My driving has improved.  I do now drive at night.  I prefer it be clear.  My purchase of a GPS has helped so much in allowing me to expand where I drive.  So far, Aarika’s wedding (Plainfield) has been the farthest I have driven away from home, but I do intend to expand that in the spring.

I have joined a group called Meetup (www.meetup.com) who have different groups who go to different places all the time for various activities.  I have a card gathering at my home, go to eat out, do watch some movies, and, in general, keep busy and have fun.  At home, I play Words with Friends on Facebook, watch movies, work on the computer, and tolerate my cat, Tamika (she tolerates me as well).  I do have someone who comes to the house once a week and cleans for me.

I think I have rambled enough.  This was to catch you up on me, so I didn’t go into details about the rest of the family.  Here are the best ways to keep up with me:

https://kindredspirit23.wordpress.com – my blog, I write daily.  Comment/Follow

bookman23@comcast.net – My main email.  Drop me a note.  I will try hard to respond.

Thank you all.  You are each part of the reason I am succeeding in life.  I love having all of you in mine, so I need to stick around.

God Bless,

Scott

From the Perspective of the Father of the Bride

From the Perspective of the Father of the Bride
By Scott L Vannatter
November 5, 2012

9-11 now 11-9
The first an epic emergency
This an epic event
My mind and heart are at odds

It’s been well over a decade
The time passed so quickly yet so slow
You went from being that little longhaired beauty
To the wonderful woman you are now

Seems like yesterday, I was explaining all
Questions about boys had not yet begun
Little did I know then
I wouldn’t be around for those puzzlers

Things have changed; they always do
You have grown tall and brilliant
A doctor, the first?, with my name
Though that will change in a few days

I have changed too
Now, I have a companion
Made of wood and it stays with me
Not a marriage, but a union nonetheless

I struggle now; we both do
I with my memory fractured and
You with the struggles of a home
Something you take on happily

He’s a good one, this Josh
There for you through thick and thin
Yet, has time for this old one
When I have problems in his arena

You focus as two but will be fastened
Not a knot but a bow
Something on a gift not a noose
One I hope is yours forever

My part is small; it was larger before
You two met
Now, as one you face the future
And, for once, I see brightness

I find myself in a quandary
Caught between two tastes
The bitterness of separation
And the joy and sweetness of love

Yours is a vow, a promise, a hope
Filled with joy, though sorrows will
Poke their heads in from time to time
See them as reminders not permanent tenants

Bring forth your lives
Started as two, now joined as one
Know that the father believes
The love to be true

Love you, Daughter

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