As I write this, Dad has been laid to rest for about 36 hours. It seems so much longer since just yesterday morning when the funeral was happening. There was a wonderful turnout, around 40 people. Many were friends, more of Sis or me than of Dad’s, but they came to honor him. All things went well. I was a pallbearer, only once feeling like my balance was going. I decided I WAS going to help carry that casket, so I did.
Since the service, Mom and Sis have kept busy. I don’t fully know how all this is affecting them. What I do know is how it is affecting me. I have been worn out and a bit depressed since the service ended. I have slept quite a bit, though not necessarily too long. I got in about 7 hours last night and a 4 hour nap today. I didn’t sleep well, so it wasn’t 11 hours of sleep or rest. The headache is mostly gone and I have been able to keep active and work, mostly on my computer. I haven’t left the house today, but that’s not really abnormal either.
My abnormal feelings have come in the form of being restless and yet not wanting to go anywhere either. Dad and I had a usual relationship, I guess. We didn’t get along well when I was young. He was working a lot and trying to write a book or something to get ahead. I saw it as he didn’t want to spend time with me. I got to know Mom better and didn’t really enjoy him being home.
We disagreed a lot while I grew up, but I didn’t always say anything; after all, I was passive. My first divorce was a huge mess and he was very angry with me for leaving my family. He understood later, but it was tense for awhile.
After my stroke, things were really different. I was no longer quiet or passive and spoke out more. I never really knew if he preferred it that way or not, but we seemed to get along better. I visited 4-5 days a week when he was in the nursing home. I wanted him to have company and do things, so he didn’t become very depressive and give up. We played about 15 games of chess a week. He almost always insisted I play white, so I always made the same 1st move P-K4 (I know that’s not the way you write it now, but too bad). He won several; I won about 80-85%, I suppose.
What I know is that, even though we didn’t get along for a lot of our lives, I loved him and he loved me. We didn’t always show it well, but still, we knew. At the end, we said it a lot. I am happy for those times. Otherwise, I might never have really known my Dad.
Love you, Dad, and miss you.
Namaste,
Scott
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