Sometimes, life just gets to you!
My stats last night showed that I have done over 520 posts on “Kindredspirit23”. Now, a few of those posts were years ago when I first thought I would blog and stopped after a few short posts. I still believe I have done 500+ in a row since my new comeback. I decided not to take the time to actually figure it out. It doesn’t really matter. I made a decision to be dedicated to this blog and have worked, valiantly at times, to do so.
Lately, I have become rather upset with myself. I had not been able to grasp why until I decided to really sit down and figure it out for myself. I feel like I am not getting anything done and that the world is rushing around me and through me. It’s not a good feeling, and I remember it from before the stroke. Don’t worry; it’s not to that point; I simply remember the feeling. However, everything has a beginning, so ignoring these feelings might just be the start back to the old days and I am not going there.
So, I sat down and decided to figure it out. I have always been good at that. Sometimes, I have been a little too good. My Dad used to tell me that I think too much. I imagine, over the years, I have been guilty of just that. In fact, I know I have. The problem is that you cannot figure something out very well if you do not have all the facts. I tried to figure out everything and everyone and, seldom, did I have enough facts to really do it. Add the fact that I was OCD and ADD, depressed, anxious, and a very strong people-pleaser, and you have a formula to screw up any figuring out of relationships and people in general.
I have always taken everything to heart. It has been my greatest asset in making and keeping friends, as well as my greatest personal enemy. If I look back at my life in full, my “greatest asset” was, most likely, the very biggest contributor to my stroke. It affected how I ate, how I talked, how I behaved, how I thought. Everything, in fact, in my life, centered on my taking everything to heart.
I have been reading and thinking and changing since my stroke. Up to that point, I think I was only preparing to change. The stroke opened up floodgates of emotions and thoughts, allowing me to think more clearly and to begin the journey to learning more about me and why I am the way I am.
In case you are getting a little lost, this is me thinking. I am, currently, sitting down and figuring it out. This is one of the ways I work through things – I think and I write. What used to happen was that I would get afraid of what others might think if they saw what I wrote, so I would put it away or delete it. Now, I think it is good if others see this so I can get some feedback on what I am doing right or wrong. Either one will help me if given in good spirits and with good intention. So, when this is over – fire away.
I have always wanted to succeed, but I have not always chosen success. I have always had it instilled within me to succeed, but have only learned, really, how to fail. I see now a lot of it was because I concerned myself almost totally with pleasing others at the expense – well, at the expense of me, obviously. I have stopped most of that. I do things more for myself now, though there are exceptions.
Those exceptions can be important; I need to see them and to understand them. One of the more recent ones has been trying to make my blog a big success. By that I do not mean setting it up, sticking to the schedule, trying to choose posts that people will enjoy, or anything like that. What I mean is my underlying worry that people might not like something I say in a post or that I would not have enough comments or views.
I have been told enough by my blog friends that my posts are a mixture and, usually, interesting. I have enough followers and comments and views to let myself know it’s all doing okay. Thank you for that. You out there are responsible for all you read and say and do. Where I have fallen short is doing so much that I, at times, do not like what I am doing – I am having a hard time liking my blog. It began to be a job and I refuse to allow that to happen.
I believe it is all mental; it is simply a matter of changing my attitude and not, necessarily doing anything much different. However, that attitude change is so very important and, instead of digging through myself without enough information to process it correctly, I have decided to turn some of that over to you. So here is your “homework”. Here is what I would love to hear back from you concerning:
1) Do you love your blog? Why?
2) Do you every get overwhelmed with it all? How do you cope with that?
3) Any other words to help me cycle through this properly?
I look forward to hearing all you have to say. You are all a very special brand of friends and family to me.
Namaste,
Scott
Kindredspirit23's Blog 