Tag Archives: stroke

Back to, um, Normal?

Well, here we go:  this is, basically, the first planned and scheduled non-story post I have done in over two months.  I have spent my time seeing a woman, Carolyn, go from working mother to martyred hero.  To travel that same path, go to > HERE < and read parts 1-11 at the bottom of the page.  It is about 40 pages double-spaced.

It feels strange to leave her world and return to other pursuits.  I miss her.  I hesitated about doing another story right away.  I felt that, perhaps, I needed to do something more normal, at least, for me.  So, I present the following video to you.  Then, we can chat a bit.

*For some of you:  this video has a couple of same-sex kisses, just so you know.

Well?  I was captivated by the idea of strangers kissing and then, it appeared, most of them really liked it and got into it a bit.  I especially liked the young man and the older woman.  PDAs are something I usually like.  I do them myself, when the reason is there.  I have been called out by them.  I have had family members tell me later that was not appropriate or whatever.  I find myself thinking, “Hey!  What’s the big deal with holding hands, hugging, or even kissing (more than a peck on the cheek)?”  I don’t fully understand what the deal is about showing that we care for someone or that we are swept away by emotions for a moment.  Even our speech is often criticized for putting emotion into it.  I don’t just mean anger or sexy talk.  People may yell at you for displaying most any emotion in your speech.  Why is that?  Why do we force (or try to) people to hold everything inside themselves?

My stroke changed a lot of this for me.  I still try to watch what I say, but I feel much freer.  I say things more now than before.  I let people know if they have hurt me or if I am happy to see them.  Someone who knows me well kind of looks at me funny the first few times they hear me speak out like this.  I have simply lost my need to care about how it may look if I say or do what is on my mind.  Again, some filters remain or I have put them back in place; however, I am new; I am different; I am me and show it now.

I am told this may be called “Post Traumatic Growth Syndrome” (PTGS) or (PTG).  Look it up on Google if you are interested.  That’s not the reason for this post, but it is fascinating.

How about you?  Do you clam up or speak out?  Do you walk the talk?  Do you show people how you feel?

What do they think?  How are you regarded?




Opps! I forgot…So, now, a word from our sponsor – me!

Source: Google – reuse okay

A bit of a change here, today, I would normally being issuing an entry into Flash Friday.  However, I, um…forgot until after the deadline passed.  This has been somewhat normal for me since my stroke in May of 2010; I forget lots of things.  I was just going to skip the night and pick back up on Tuesday, but I felt that was unfair to anyone used to seeing my entry on Fridays.  So, here I am, kind of apologizing and kind of just letting you know what’s going on.

What I will do is take this open moment to let you know what is going on in my life now.  Things change all the time for everyone, me included.  Right now I:

1)       Am still helping our public library by selling on Amazon.

2)       Am still selling a little on Amazon myself.

3)      Still writing.  Just finished “Keeping Watch” (about 13,400 word short story)

4)      Trying to get back to a Spring schedule and out of this miserable winter one.

5)      Taking care of my car, which just topped $600 in repairs this month.

6)      Trying (and failing) to keep up in my reading of other blogs.  There are so many interesting stories and yet I don’t get many read.

7)      Have begun creating crossword puzzles and submitting them.  Just finished doing so last night.

8)      Reading some comic books I bought on E-bay a couple of years ago.  Fun!

9)      Playing  “Fallout 3” again, but one notch harder in difficulty.

10)   Enjoying lunch/dinner and a movie with a good friend on the weekends.

11)   Visiting another good friend about 1 ½ hours away once a month.

12)    Eating out once a week with a third good friend.

13)   Trying to keep my blog moving.

14)   Also, trying my hand at a new type of writing.  I am not sharing it right now, but it is intriguing to me.

15)   In general, trying to define myself anew since the stroke.  I think differently, act differently, and feel differently.

Now, you are mostly caught up in my life.  It is a busy one and I don’t have a job!

How do you all do it?

Seriously, question of the post:  How do you balance all the things going on in your life?



My “Why”

This new business I have started is enjoyable and I have gotten to meet some very wonderful people.  What’s more I am finding that even those people outside my two groups are wonderful, too.  We went to a Saturday group meeting with some of the national people there and all were great.  I really do love this company.

Now, having said all of that, I am having a bit of a problem.  You see, each of us in the company has a reason to be doing this business.  We call it the “why” and it is somewhat different for each of us.  I have been struggling with this and do not understand why I can’t figure out my “why.”  I am closer, but still not grabbing that brass ring as I go by.

At a meeting on Monday (last night), I got some glimpses inside myself and my problem and they stem, not from the business, but from inside me.  Thus, my sharing this with all of you.

You see, I used to feel things very strongly.  I was high-strung, nervous, shy, and stressed out, and this caused me to feel very strongly.  The stroke settled a lot of that.  Now, my blood pressure is normal and my sugar is normal (thank God for both) and I don’t fly off the handle or get very nervous or upset about anything.  This seems to have, also, caused me to lose some of my intense feelings about other things.  I don’t feel so strongly anymore.

The problem, then, is that when I try to find the emotional reason for me to do this new job opportunity well, I can’t feel strongly like I used to, so it eludes me.  I know it’s there, but it is below the surface and I am struggling.

So far, the best answer has come from a person I truly respect in this new job area.  He has been in it for about three years and I admire him greatly.  His suggestion is helping me.  He says:

Imagine you are back in the hospital after the stroke and you have found out that you are not going to make it.  Think of the things you wish you had done before you go.  What are those things?  Those will be your “why.”

So, I did.  I took myself back to that very scary time and tried to think how I would have felt had I thought I was going to die.  I realized that what I would have regretted most is not helping my Sister and children to be in a place of contentment, at least, financially.  This led me to understand that what I want to do most is to simply help people.  Starting with those I love and moving outwards, I wish to make others feel better and smile and know that the world is a good place with good people in it.

This is not a new concept to me, however, it has helped me refocus.  I still don’t have any overriding feelings about it, but now I know this is right – that much feels good.

All of this also helped me to realize that I did well in my other jobs because of this desire to help people.  Teaching becomes kind of obvious here, but my other jobs also went out to others as I was always gravitating to what I could do to teach and/or help others in those positions, too.

I do miss those strong feelings of attachment to thoughts and ideas, but I also know that I will live much longer because I have mellowed out and my emotions run milder.  This has also helped me understand the post I did earlier about my not being certain I know what love is:  that emotion does exist, however, it is mellowed and I don’t recognize it anymore.

How about all of you?  Do you have your “why” to exist?  How are your emotions?  Are you lost or confused?  Do you have it all together or are there parts of you that seem disjointed and, perhaps, unfeeling?

I do say a pray for all of you to grow and learn and to know your why.  I am still growing and learning.



And, I have my 15 minutes…

The other day, I did a search on Google for “Kindredspirit23”.  It came back with 6,070 results!  When I began this blog, it came back with very few results.  I thought, “Wow!  I am becoming famous!”  Tooted the horn; danced a jig; sang a tribute; then, I settled back to Earth and looked at the results.  Most of them are for me, but they are results leading to each of my posts, my blog page, or any other blog page I have left a comment on.  So, not famous, simply exuberant, I suppose.

What it amounted to was my 15 minutes of fame with most of it in my own head.  The one that really impressed me was that an Omaha newspaper had reprinted my article from the Muncie Star about my being an author who had a stroke.  That one disappeared in the week past.  Talk about having your ego collapse!  Transience was the word I decided fit well – fickle may fit even better.

When I looked for that article, I found this link:  UIndy – My old Alma Mater provided an overview of the Muncie article and this link to an abstract of the article (It was 911 words done on July 12, 2013 in the Star Press).  I guess that will be my glory. 🙂

I am beginning a new working section in my life.  I will tell you more about it as time goes on and I see how I do.  Wish me luck (And a little bit of prayer wouldn’t hurt either! ).  All in all, this has been a very busy week.  I know this isn’t a particularly long post, but I decided that short and sweet would be better than long and boring.  Stick with me.  I will settle into this new schedule soon.



Understanding Comes with a Price

I am sitting at my computer screen going over news topics and reading many different sources.  It is a reasonably quick enjoyment I get when I partake in this particular learning session.  I notice that Madonna is 55, same as me.  I see that Julie Harris has died.  I understand that Florida is running out of beach sand.  All of these are cool, but, since going to this once a week full blog post (the other 3 are writing prompts), I want something a bit fuller.

Now, my eyes see it:  an article about a man whose heart stops, they take him to the hospital, his son speaks to him, and (45 minutes) later, his heart begins beating again.  Doctors can’t explain it.  The family is just happy Dad is back.

I have respect for most doctors.  There was the one who gave me depression meds for quite awhile when I went to the stress center.  He was later indited for Medicare Fraud.  There are other doctors who do not sit well with my mind.  The biggest was the neurologist who came out when I was in the ER with my stroke and told my mother “Better get a casket ready.  He’s dead.”  To him, I say, “F*****g A**h*l*.   My sister put him in his place and I dropped his services after the first visit post hospital.  In my mind he is a waste of a doctor.

The biggest thing was that he didn’t understand “why” I was still alive and there is a small part of me that truly believes he is upset that I dared to make his opinion wrong in the matter.  He doesn’t understand.  I am learning that he, probably, can’t understand.

There has been a split between God and medicine for a long time.  Doctors are famously atheistic or, at least, lean more toward pragmatism in all things spiritual.  Not all, of course, but most.  Enough that they have gotten this rap.  What I see is that they are not alone.

I have friends, close friends, who do not view life at all as I do – heck, I have family that way.

I have my dreams of the future.  The difference now is that I carry those dreams with the knowledge that God is right there in my corner telling me to swing for the fences.  (Wow!  two separate sports analogies in the same sentence! – Take that Mark Twain!)

Those who know me well know that I love God and I believe that life with Him (knowingly) can and is a beautiful thing.  He is my friend.  He is someone who always listens and has the best advice.  He has given me (along with everyone else) these wonderful abilities to create our lives the way we choose.  I believe in that.  I truly do.

My life has come alive since my stroke when I figured out that God wanted me not to be the perfect human and not to be miserable living a religion I don’t truly believe in.  He wanted (wants) me to live a full life with the things that truly make me happy and alive.

My job then is to figure out what those things are and to go after them.  I get some funny looks when I tell people I have strong intentions.  I get even funnier looks when I say that I fully intend to be very wealthy and healthy by end of summer 2014.  The funny looks make me laugh, but they are also sad because it tells me that people are just not where I am in my relationship with God.  It doesn’t make me any better, just happier.  The church would have you believe in giving all things up and suffering on Earth for later glory in Heaven.  I think that God wants us to enjoy life here on Earth, too.  So, I am.

My biggest proof:  life itself.  Since I fully adopted this lifestyle of enjoying, praying with intention, and not worrying because all things work out in the end, my life has been wonderful.  Problems? – heck yes, but I know they are temporary and that I am and will continue to be happy and blessed.

For those of you who need to follow a reading path, try this –

1) Conversations with God – Book 1 by Neale Donald Walsh

2) The Magic of Believing  by Claude Bristol (the title may be a bit different)

3) E-Squared by Pam Grotto

Read them in that order, try hard to keep an open mind.  I have spent decades getting to where I am now in my beliefs.

If you have problems or questions – bookman23@comcast.net

Don’t troll on me – I don’t have time for it.

Love you all.



Beauty lies within yourself

The only impossible journey in life is you never begin!! ~Tanvir Kaur


Philosophy is all about being curious, asking basic questions. And it can be fun!

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