Tag Archives: TED

On Hating Yourself…

Let me preface this with another TED talk.  Watch it if you wish, it is rather sad, but informative...The Depressed Comic.

I watched this and what it truly did was to bring back memories.  Memories of my youth, my 20s, my 30s, my 40s, and even some of my 50s.

A lot of the blogging world knows me.  They know Scott, the guy who had the NDE when he stroked out at a restaurant, and who came slowly back to life and health to be who I am now. Yep, a lot of you whom I call friends know that me.  Some of you out there know some about that earlier me.  Some of my friends around me know that me; some of my family even, however, I don’t think anyone knows the early me very well.

I say this because of a discussion/confession I had with my Mom not too awfully long ago.  This was a discussion about my late Dad.  We were talking and I spoke up (finally) about how Dad only gave me two options in college:  Doctor or Minister.  I went to high school with only those two opportunities under my belt.  I dreamed of other things, but those were it.  Dad said either make good money or serve God.  I said this to Mom and her response was, “No, he didn’t.”  My response back was, “You weren’t there.”  This went on just a bit and I told her there were a lot of things Dad told me that she, most likely, didn’t know.  I always assumed she was in agreement with him (why wouldn’t I?).  I told her about how mean Dad often treated me (actually, to him, it was just manly, the way you were supposed to).  She didn’t believe me, at first.  She just kept saying, “You know your father loved you.” It was almost a question.  I told her that I know that now, but then?  I was little and it didn’t feel like love.

I tell you all that so you can understand that I went to college as a young man who knew nothing of sex (it wasn’t talked about), little of life, and studying a subject that I only thought I wanted: religion.

I saw God as “our Father”, mean (for our own good), merciful (to a point), and punishing (if you didn’t follow His ways).  He was my father, and, to be truthful -it scared me- but I didn’t really like Him.  There was a side to me that was wanting to know about sex, about young women, about life, about death, about everything – you know, normal.  And, I had become so scared of what the world might think that I gave it all up to be the “perfect” giver, doing everything for everyone except myself.  Because of this, I didn’t sleep, got sick often, had stomach problems, was nervous, and had a deep complex about myself.  I wanted to go to Heaven, but “knew” I didn’t deserve it.

I got married, raised two wonderful children, got divorced, dated, remarried, took care of two other children, saw mine on scheduled times, tried to please everyone, and was tired, miserable, still sick, and heading toward a reckoning.

That reckoning had begun when my local doctor had prescribed Prozac, the wonder drug, for me.  I felt the difference the very next day.  Life lifted, colors were brighter, I was better, a little happier.  I stayed on Prozac quite awhile, quite a bit during my first marriage. I went off it, without asking my doctor, and, about a month later, had a bad episode.  Now, things get fuzzy in this time, so I will just summarize:

I began to get worse, my marriage was falling apart, I started to see a counselor.  He passed in the last couple of years and I wish I had seen him one more time to tell him all of the good he did me. Anyway, I continued working, went through my second divorce (one that took longer and was harder on me), got to the point that I threw up every day after work and would walk miles until I could handle being home and still.  I was constantly afraid of nearly everything and had high blood pressure (partly handled) and just a mess in general.

Finally the break (not a break, but an episode) where I had to call my parents to come get me and, over dinner at Pizza Hut, talk them into taking me to a Stress Center.  Actually, had to go to emergency ward and tell the doctor that “No, I had considered suicide; I just had times when I wished I weren’t around.”  I checked into a Center and stayed two weeks.  Did me a lot of good, but the doctor who treated me was later found guilty of Medicare Fraud, lost his Indiana license, and I don’t know about jail or fine or whatever.

I went back to work, within a few weeks I went back to the Center for the weekend (I was told this was quite normal), then lived very skittishly at work and home.  Actually, I had moved back home with my parents and made a 45 minute commute daily to work.  My routine was to get up, work, drive home, watch TV till 10, go to bed, and repeat.  On Friday evenings, I immediately began worrying about Monday morning.

I quit my job after about 6 years over stress and all, tried to write a book, then went back to school to teach elementary school and thought my dreams had come true.  I got to teach special education for 6 years, but had never handled my stress, depression, and anxiety very well.

On May 7, 2010, in the evening, I was on a date with my girlfriend.  We were having a discussion/argument over staying together and I had a stroke.  She took me to the hospital and, for the next 15 months.  I went through rehab and counseling before trying to go back to teaching.  I made it 7 months,stopping in Feb of my 7th year, and became disabled.

I have found that, becoming disabled, has been the best thing for my life.  I have also learned that Life works this way, God works this way.

The stroke reset my brain, as is often the case, and I became settled for the first time in my memory.  I have problems: issues with balance, trouble with double vision, a bit of weakness here and there, and short-term memory issues.  However, my OCD disappeared, as did my depression.  My counselor gave me that diagnosis, saying that while I still had a little anxiety, she found no depression!  I take a small anti-depressant/anti-anxiety (always good to cover both, I am told, as anti-anxieties can bring about depression), but am just very happy, positive, and see life as loving.  I am upbeat, outspoken, and unafraid to talk about anything (sometimes a bit too much so, I am told).  I am a new person.

And so, I started my blog after leaving teaching and here I am: whole and happy.

Now, you know a lot more about me.  Do you need to talk?  Do you want to share?  I am here bookman23@comcast.net.  I am not afraid to take that step with you.  Read other posts…you will see.

Namaste,

Scott

OMG!!!

I can’t introduce this woman or her talk other than to say 2 things:

  1. It starts out dealing with her cancer.
  2. That’s the only thing about cancer in the talk.

The Talk!

Wow!!!

Namaste,

Scott

Remake the Internet – A Good Thing for Everyone!

If anything needs to go viral this year, it is the buildup and last 1/2 of this talk!!!

Information – The More the …uh oh!

The TED clip below is 15 min long (Their usual).  The man speaking has a steep Russian accent that can be difficult to follow.  However, I think we all need to take the time to follow him (It can be done well and easily if you pay attention).  What he has to say is a very strong warning that should be heeded about information and security and our future.

I hope you watched the clip.  If you didn’t, this next part will only make a little sense and you won’t get the full impact.  What I heard on this clip was the dangerous choice that we have now in our hands concerning our informational security and other sites, especially social media sites like Youtube, Facebook, LinkedIn, and others.

The problem is furthered by the fact that we cannot totally control all that may be available online about us.  I know we think we can, but some of it we gave up long ago and the Internet never forgets.  Go Google yourself.  Use your full name, then just first and last.  Check out your parents, siblings, family.  After a bit you may find that, in spite of your efforts, other family members may have posted info that could be harmful to you.

Think of this:  I don’t post my real birthday on Facebook.  That’s just asking for it.  The first year I did it, I received several Happy Birthday notices from other users, as expected.  What I didn’t expect was for another close family member to tell all of Facebook that wasn’t my real birthday and they could not understand why I had done it wrongly.

A Google on my own name has told me a lot of info about myself and showed me what others could find.  One thing it points out is this blog’s address.  No problem. I have accepted this as being very public.  Problem is that, to the right people, this may be what they are looking for.  Think of this:  as careful as I am, my pictures are online; my full name is online; my hometown is online; my school dates are online; my relative and friends’ names are online; my job info is online.

It’s not that this is great info for anyone, but when you add to it what the guy in the clip says, it does get a little scary.  I accept that there are some dangers with being online for any reason.  I use it and try the best I can to be a low-profile, hard-to-get target for hackers and such.  I think I am.  However, that does not mean I can’t be hacked; it means I am probably not worth the trouble.  Why go after me when there are so many out there who use the same password for so many sites or who use an east-to-guess password, or who divulge a lot of personal info on Facebook?

Watch the clip.  Think about it.  Don’t worry, just think.  Start out by being more careful about what and where you go online.  Supplement that by using unique and strong passwords on sites and different ones for each site.  Next, do a little research; get your hands dirty.  Better informed is better secured.

Love you all.

Namaste,

Scott

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Etiliyle © - la poesia in una fotografia ™

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