What are We Running Here?

I don’t know precisely where this post will end, what note it will finally rest on, but here it is (me being tired and all).  I awoke early this morning to my computer.  I logged in, signed on to Comcast, and there was a headline about Roseanne being cancelled.  I had to look further.  When I poked around Google for a bit, I found what I was looking for, which was not what I was looking for at 7:10AM on a Wednesday.  I had not planned on watching the redone “Roseanne”, just wasn’t my cup of tea in the first place; however, to see that the TV station and Disney had dropped the show so early made me read on. I am not going to repost Rosanne’s tweets. I don’t feel that is necessary.  I suppose I have to agree with Disney and all as if I made such a statement at work about someone in my company, I would find myself in the boss’s office facing the demise of my job or, at least, severe disciplinary actions.

I am not in any way saying her tweets were proper, correct, or anything positive at all.  They pissed me off.  I didn’t care for the cooking lady who made the racist remark either back a couple years ago.  However, something has my attention here.  Now, I voted for Barack in the first election.  Thought, perhaps, he could help things along.  I, personally, was disappointed in the first 4 years.  Now, that may have been news prejudice, I won’t say it wasn’t, however, even today I am not really happy with those 4 years.  So, I didn’t vote for him the second term. I am allowed; it’s my right. And, I shook my head when he won, but then, I did acknowledge him as our President.

Now, I have gone on written record here as saying that I voted for Trump.  Well, actually, I voted against Hillary.  I was surprised and pleased when he won.  However, I need to ask:  why have Rosanne and so many others get into so much trouble for making comments like they did and our President, whom I am not pleased with, has made some comments on Twitter that have surprised the heck out of me.  I won’t say he has come right out with any racist remarks, but he picks on everyone who doesn’t care for him and there seems to be no repercussions.  Now, I am not saying to impeach him or anything like that.  It simply seems to me, in my own humble opinion, that the leader of our country should have better things to do than get angry on Twitter.  Again, some of this may be the other side’s bias news, but not all of it is.

What I see is a glaring split between what a movie or TV star can get away with and what people with real power can get away with.  I know that much of our Senate and Congress are not a whole lot better.  There are many laws trying to be passed that are simply ridiculous.  There is much being done and said that should outrage everyone.  I am not saying to get rid of all of them (though limiting terms would be nice up there).  I am just saying keep a level playing ground.

Rant done and I feel better,

Namaste,

Scott

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On Hating Yourself…

Let me preface this with another TED talk.  Watch it if you wish, it is rather sad, but informative...The Depressed Comic.

I watched this and what it truly did was to bring back memories.  Memories of my youth, my 20s, my 30s, my 40s, and even some of my 50s.

A lot of the blogging world knows me.  They know Scott, the guy who had the NDE when he stroked out at a restaurant, and who came slowly back to life and health to be who I am now. Yep, a lot of you whom I call friends know that me.  Some of you out there know some about that earlier me.  Some of my friends around me know that me; some of my family even, however, I don’t think anyone knows the early me very well.

I say this because of a discussion/confession I had with my Mom not too awfully long ago.  This was a discussion about my late Dad.  We were talking and I spoke up (finally) about how Dad only gave me two options in college:  Doctor or Minister.  I went to high school with only those two opportunities under my belt.  I dreamed of other things, but those were it.  Dad said either make good money or serve God.  I said this to Mom and her response was, “No, he didn’t.”  My response back was, “You weren’t there.”  This went on just a bit and I told her there were a lot of things Dad told me that she, most likely, didn’t know.  I always assumed she was in agreement with him (why wouldn’t I?).  I told her about how mean Dad often treated me (actually, to him, it was just manly, the way you were supposed to).  She didn’t believe me, at first.  She just kept saying, “You know your father loved you.” It was almost a question.  I told her that I know that now, but then?  I was little and it didn’t feel like love.

I tell you all that so you can understand that I went to college as a young man who knew nothing of sex (it wasn’t talked about), little of life, and studying a subject that I only thought I wanted: religion.

I saw God as “our Father”, mean (for our own good), merciful (to a point), and punishing (if you didn’t follow His ways).  He was my father, and, to be truthful -it scared me- but I didn’t really like Him.  There was a side to me that was wanting to know about sex, about young women, about life, about death, about everything – you know, normal.  And, I had become so scared of what the world might think that I gave it all up to be the “perfect” giver, doing everything for everyone except myself.  Because of this, I didn’t sleep, got sick often, had stomach problems, was nervous, and had a deep complex about myself.  I wanted to go to Heaven, but “knew” I didn’t deserve it.

I got married, raised two wonderful children, got divorced, dated, remarried, took care of two other children, saw mine on scheduled times, tried to please everyone, and was tired, miserable, still sick, and heading toward a reckoning.

That reckoning had begun when my local doctor had prescribed Prozac, the wonder drug, for me.  I felt the difference the very next day.  Life lifted, colors were brighter, I was better, a little happier.  I stayed on Prozac quite awhile, quite a bit during my first marriage. I went off it, without asking my doctor, and, about a month later, had a bad episode.  Now, things get fuzzy in this time, so I will just summarize:

I began to get worse, my marriage was falling apart, I started to see a counselor.  He passed in the last couple of years and I wish I had seen him one more time to tell him all of the good he did me. Anyway, I continued working, went through my second divorce (one that took longer and was harder on me), got to the point that I threw up every day after work and would walk miles until I could handle being home and still.  I was constantly afraid of nearly everything and had high blood pressure (partly handled) and just a mess in general.

Finally the break (not a break, but an episode) where I had to call my parents to come get me and, over dinner at Pizza Hut, talk them into taking me to a Stress Center.  Actually, had to go to emergency ward and tell the doctor that “No, I had considered suicide; I just had times when I wished I weren’t around.”  I checked into a Center and stayed two weeks.  Did me a lot of good, but the doctor who treated me was later found guilty of Medicare Fraud, lost his Indiana license, and I don’t know about jail or fine or whatever.

I went back to work, within a few weeks I went back to the Center for the weekend (I was told this was quite normal), then lived very skittishly at work and home.  Actually, I had moved back home with my parents and made a 45 minute commute daily to work.  My routine was to get up, work, drive home, watch TV till 10, go to bed, and repeat.  On Friday evenings, I immediately began worrying about Monday morning.

I quit my job after about 6 years over stress and all, tried to write a book, then went back to school to teach elementary school and thought my dreams had come true.  I got to teach special education for 6 years, but had never handled my stress, depression, and anxiety very well.

On May 7, 2010, in the evening, I was on a date with my girlfriend.  We were having a discussion/argument over staying together and I had a stroke.  She took me to the hospital and, for the next 15 months.  I went through rehab and counseling before trying to go back to teaching.  I made it 7 months,stopping in Feb of my 7th year, and became disabled.

I have found that, becoming disabled, has been the best thing for my life.  I have also learned that Life works this way, God works this way.

The stroke reset my brain, as is often the case, and I became settled for the first time in my memory.  I have problems: issues with balance, trouble with double vision, a bit of weakness here and there, and short-term memory issues.  However, my OCD disappeared, as did my depression.  My counselor gave me that diagnosis, saying that while I still had a little anxiety, she found no depression!  I take a small anti-depressant/anti-anxiety (always good to cover both, I am told, as anti-anxieties can bring about depression), but am just very happy, positive, and see life as loving.  I am upbeat, outspoken, and unafraid to talk about anything (sometimes a bit too much so, I am told).  I am a new person.

And so, I started my blog after leaving teaching and here I am: whole and happy.

Now, you know a lot more about me.  Do you need to talk?  Do you want to share?  I am here bookman23@comcast.net.  I am not afraid to take that step with you.  Read other posts…you will see.

Namaste,

Scott

OMG!!!

I can’t introduce this woman or her talk other than to say 2 things:

  1. It starts out dealing with her cancer.
  2. That’s the only thing about cancer in the talk.

The Talk!

Wow!!!

Namaste,

Scott

Someone Call a Doctor!

Well, actually, someone already did, several times.  January 2018, I went to St V hospital in Anderson to have my right hip replaced.  I had been trying for about two years to successfully have the surgery.  Around two years ago, it was scheduled for July  26, 2016.  On July 25, my father passed away.  I cancelled the surgery.  I tried again a few months later, but, due to stress from Dad’s death and my sister’s diagnosis with cancer, I became ill with gastro paresis.  This persisted until, actually, July of 2017, when my doctor and I finally figured it out (I will let him have some of the credit.  I did all the research and he agreed).  With the monthly session of V and D (sick at both ends) gone, I got my sugar back down to a strong 6.8 (below 8.0 for surgery) and we tried setting it up again.  In the midst of this I managed to badly burn my hand and had to deal with that.  On my last appointment with a GP doctor, for a final check, he reran an A1C and it came out to 8.3.  Surgery was postponed again.  This time, just for about a month.  I had to see a diabetic specialist and we discussed my diet and possible medical solutions.

Now, I am not a person who swallows pills very well.  I had several incidents with food and such when I was younger and it just doesn’t work for me.  So, one of the new medications wasn’t going to work. The other was almost $350 a month.  I worked with the company to get coupons for that medicine.  Finally, the specialist approved my blood readings and diet and we were on for surgery.  Then, the diabetic specialist decided I should go on insulin for a couple of weeks before the surgery and after until my sugar was back to normal.  The insulin was a long-acting and a one-for-each-meal type.  The long-acting was about $600 a a month and the short-acting was around $150.  I ended up buying 1/2 Rx for each and using it before, then after for about 1 week.

What I have noticed is that my sugar levels are higher now than when I was on insulin than when I was on the older medicines.  I will attribute some to pain, but I am just wondering…

So, my temp solution is to remain as it is until the pain stops, reschedule the return appointment until after I am allowed to drive, so I can go to Planet Fitness and exercise for a couple of weeks and see what that does.  Am I being ridiculous?

I ask you…

Namaste,

Scott

The Way to Love and Freedom – The Way to Look at the World!

Well, I’m bbbbaaaaaccckkkkk!  Sorry for disappearing. I had hip replacement surgery almost 3 weeks ago and it set me on my rear for a time.  I am not back to normal yet, there is some pain, but I am getting around the house with no cane, a cane or walker in public, and can’t drive just yet.  So, I am getting there and this is where I wanted to spend my time – with my WordPress friends!  All of you!

So, to get back into the swing, I am bringing to you one speaker, Pam Grout, of the “Hay House World Summit”  The Summit can be looked at here: Summit

And here is an interview with Pam Grout: Pam Grout Interview

Enjoy!

Namaste,

Scott

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