Category Archives: Spirit and Beliefs

A discussion of various topics concerning our views on things spiritual. The posts are designed to provoke interesting discussions and thoughts; inflammatory and hostile comments will be deleted at the decision of the moderator when he is notified.

You Died – a poem

You Died

by Scott L Vannatter

June 28, 2019

You died.

Nothing ever tore at my soul as much.

Life nearly ceased to be; peace did so.

Could the anguish of one thing really

devastate so much the core of my being?

You died.

And a part of me, hidden deep within,

shuddered and paled, the life blood leaving

the shell of a man to hold up the gates of life.

You died.

The very love-sense which made me that special

type of human, one who loved, ran, fleeing to parts

of the darkest forest imaginable, cowering in the roots

of the deep tree in which the forest began

those many eons ago.

You died.

My life cannot continue with this path

set before me; the one which sees you with every breath

and pushes you out when I, exhausted, lie down to sleep.

Sleep has no meaning; I wake the same, rotting.

You died.

At least, that’s what I tell myself

as you live your life, calmly, without me.

I am undone as are all whose love never knew

fruition truly.

One who never spoke, and now, never will.

I sit here in my shorts, sans top, sans socks, and stare at my computer.  Fresh from the shower, I decided THIS might be the best time. I have said this several times in the last few weeks.  I wrote my last post here a few days shy of Memorial Day this year.  After reading several other bloggers talking about the holiday, I decided to let my own self out for a walk.  Last year marked the first Memorial Day since Dad’s death that previous July.  This year marks the first Memorial Day with Sis gone AND Dad gone.  I admit it has been hard for me.  But, I cannot imagine how hard it is for Mom.  This is not what I sat down to write, but … here it is. As my friend says, “It is what it is.”

I don’t want sadness or pity or anger or whatever else you think is in me relieved.  I am okay with their deaths, not the best timing for Mom and I, but we really can’t say that for many years to come.  But, there are things that CAN be said.

One is that I am now much more alone than I was.  No Dad, no Sis, no girlfriend, my daughter is very busy at a wonderful job, and my son is in Oregon also with a good job.  I not only don’t blame those last two, I am happy for them.  Truth is I have always been a loner. It has seldom bothered me to be by myself; I don’t get lonesome.  And now, now with the Internet and all, I have little reason to ever be lonely or alone.  I am a blogger, have many blogger friends, some of whom I consider VERY GOOD friends.  I do see good friends here, too.  One buddy from high school, one person who is now a friend who took over the job when I left the courthouse years ago and was introduced by my boss there, is also a good friend as is the boss.  I email, chat, phone, write, meet.  In essence, I do all you can do to not be alone, not be lonely.  But, having half your family gone is rough whether you spent a lot of time with them or not.  I am only glad that I was in a good place with both of them when it happened.

Mom and I now see or, at least, talk daily.  We go out to eat, visit doctors, stylists, get groceries, and discuss things.  We try not to get caught up in picking on each other or driving each other crazy by suggesting the other one do things…but it happens.  I want her to get a problem checked out; she wants me to do such and such.  Yeah, it happens.  But, each night we part or hang up saying, “I love you” and “See or talk to you tomorrow.”  Both of us are smart enough to know that the last statement won’t be true someday.  There will come that time when… But, it isn’t right now, so we say it.

This was nothing like I intended to do for a post…but “it is what it is.”

And what is it?  In my new life philosophy, “Perfect”. All things are because they all work out in the end and helped to make that end happen.

There’s one to “put in your pipe and smoke it.”  Wonder where and why that one came about?  Could google it, but that is, already, becoming/become one itself…

“Google it!” or “I don’t have time to Google an answer.”

But, if you did…

Namaste,

Scott

Memorial and Beyond

I have never really spent much of a Memorial Day at the cemetery.  That’s not to say I don’t remember my family and friends no longer physically with us; I just don’t.

Yesterday was different.  Yesterday many things happened.  I was in the hospital Thursday evening into the wee hours (6p-5a) of Friday morning.  I slept most of Friday and was careful the rest of the day with whatever went into my stomach.  But, Saturday I went to a movie with a good friend, ate at my beloved Cracker Barrel (carefully), and stopped by Mom’s to check on her.  I intended to only stay a bit, but she and I started talking and, before we knew it, we were at the cemetery taking care of Sis, Dad, Mom’s parents and my Great Aunt and Uncle. All were lain straight in a row. We put up flags and such.  It became a part of the rest of the cemetery, all alight with the best plastic flowers, cloth flags, and  even some metal pots of memorial bouquets.  The once-solemn and mostly green plots lit up with brightness, sending joy to those empty bones lying below, but also being noticed by their souls surrounding all of us.  It was nice.  I took a moment and remembered.  I will try to remember it next year as well.  In fact, perhaps, more often when I feel the need for nonjudgmental company.

Speaking of judgments, I have to mention that very early today (Sunday) I received notice that a short story I wrote for a person on fiverr.com was accepted for publication. No money involved, just a complimentary issue, but published nonetheless. It has been a memorable weekend.

Namaste,

Scott

What’s It to You?

I have been tossing around ideas for a new post.  I had some, threw them away, had others and saved them for a rainy day.  Then, I read this UpWorthy article:

McEnroe speaks out!

Read the article, watch the video (please, it’s hilarious), then finish this.

I don’t really know this older tennis veteran talked about in the article and video.  I really don’t care to know her. I have said, time and again, I don’t judge people.  She is allowed to voice her opinion, no matter what I think of it.  Other than she is hurting people.  Her fame with a tennis racket does not give her the ability to be a life judge of everyone else.  Moreover, what the game is today does not take away from what she thought it was in days gone by.  The biggest fact is:  the world is moving toward acceptance of same-sex marriage and LBGTQIA+ views and acceptance.  I see this as no different than people telling me how good it was before computers. “Computers are taking the jobs from good people and giving them to machines.”  These are the same people who are upset because food prices keep going up as well as most other things.  But, fact is, computers are keeping most prices lower than if we still had myriads of humans running those machines and tasks.  Same thing, acceptance, will help everyone move into the next generation and feel good or better about life.

I am a mostly retired person, doing some writing and a bit of work here and there, trying to make things work on my salary.  This ex-tennis pro is so much wealthier than I am.  She should find it easier to forgive and forget…shouldn’t she?

Do you accept the changes in this world as far as technology and sexual empowerment and expression are concerned?  What’s it to you?

Namaste,

Scott

A Narcissist: What’s So Hard?

I have had the (ahem) pleasure of being with several narcissists in my lifetime.  Not that I knew this then, but now, looking back, I see the clues and all that I wish I had known.  However, since I believe all is perfect, I will continue my life knowing that I really needed to have this in my life for a reason.  I hope it is to help me pick the perfect person for me somewhere down the road, but maybe not.  I will just have to be patient and see.

But I have had people who may really wonder why being with a narcissist is bad; why would it be so difficult.  Rather than I try to tell you, read this article…about 5-8 minutes is not long to find out and it may change your life … for the better.

What is a narcissist?

Namaste,

Scott

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