Category Archives: Spirit and Beliefs

A discussion of various topics concerning our views on things spiritual. The posts are designed to provoke interesting discussions and thoughts; inflammatory and hostile comments will be deleted at the decision of the moderator when he is notified.

4 Tenors Walk into a Bar…I Mean Stage

Today is my late Sister’s Birthday.  Mom and I tried hard to remember and to make it special.  We decided it didn’t need to be special…it already was.  Sis was special and I found out last night just how special.  We were eating at Cracker Barrel (no big surprise) and a young woman stopped me as we left.

“I just wanted you to know,” she said, ‘that I worked with Darci at school and this year she is really missed.  We talk about her every day.”

That could well have brought me to tears if I hadn’t already known she meant that much to people there, just like at home.  Mom and I talk about her a lot.  Mom and her very good friend(s) talk about her a lot.  I even had one dream where she sat on my couch and spoke to me.  Special.  This was a song she liked a lot; I hope you do, too…

Four Tenors sing “Hallelujah”

Namaste,

Scott

PS – Happy Birthday, Sis

My Life and Welcome to It (Old Show, new Meaning)

I was talking to someone the other day who told me about several people who were praying for my health.  Thank you all.  I did think, however, that a better explanation of my situation was needed.  I realized that it is normal day to me, getting there for Mom, and much less so for all others.

I have several problems.  I am not complaining.  I believe in all things working out for good and, though I may not like it, I can see most of the hows and whys of the entire deal.

I had a stroke on May 7, 2010.  It was a hemorrhagic mid-brain stroke.  That means that I had a small blood vessel burst in my brain (from BP too high 250/150 and aggravated by my Blood Sugar at 300).  This stroke caused me to have double vision, my right eye is always dilated and my left eyes is never dilated.  I also have balancing issues which are caused by my neuropathy (next) and my eyes.  I had had diabetes for over a year.

I have neuropathy. That is a condition in which the nerves in an area have bad circulation and, therefore, stop functioning as well or periodically as well.  I have 3 types of neuropathy.  I have neuropathy in my feet, causing numbness and loss of balance and occasional pain.  I do not take medication for the pain as it is short-lived, but intense.

The second area I have neuropathy in is (let’s keep it PG) my male reproduction system.  Nuff said.  Ask me if you want more info.

The third area of my neuropathy is my stomach.  Called Gastro Paresis (stomach stops), this condition comes when the Vegas nerve to your stomach stops or slows down transmitting to your stomach. This, in turn, causes your stomach to digest food slowly or not at all for a period of time.  If it is long enough, the food in your stomach goes rancid, sending a vile taste to my mouth and followed (in about 1 hour) by vomiting, then by diarrhea.  This lasts anywhere from 2-10 hours.  I have some very quick-acting medicine for under my tongue (3-5 minutes) which, if I get it in time, can slow or stop the nausea and prevent (hopefully) the vomiting.  I am told not to stop the diarrhea because the bad food needs to get out of my system and that’s the safest and quickest way.  I am getting better at doing things to help prevent or limit the occurrences of Gastro Paresis.  I have been told there is no cure, though sometimes it stops altogether.  I can help by:

  1. limiting my protein intake
  2. limiting my sugar intake
  3. limiting my fiber intake
  4. eating smaller meals
  5. drinking an increased (much) amount of liquids

All of the above keep your stomach emptier and allow it to flow better so it stays empty and food won’t spoil.  It has helped greatly.  I spent, literally, years eating much protein and fiber to help my diabetes, so 1 and 3 have been a big change.

I am now on insulin.  We don’t have the dosage exactly right yet, so it goes back an forth on readings.  However, we are getting there.

The good news is that since the stroke retired me (disability) at 51, I am home and can treat it the way it needs treated.  Being single has helped also.  I have a Mother who is getting older and needs my help and I have good friends, my blog, my Word with Friend games, my fiverr writing, my Amazon for the local library, and my video games to keep me occupied and happy.  Yes, yes, I have my cat, too.  She is a toss up as I wouldn’t want to do without her, but she, frequently, gets on my nerves. lol.

The Gastro Paresis has one advantage.  Eating less and having much less choices (say no ice cream or chocolate) has led to a loss of 23 pounds since April, most of it this May-August. It is a bad way to loss weight, right up there with, well, throwing up intentionally.  However, I am working to stop it and keep the pounds off as well.

The Gastro Paresis is not deadly at this stage.  The biggest problem is dehydration.  I had a few bouts in which I could not keep any liquids down for over 6-8 hours and had thrown all mine up, so I had to go to the ER for saline solution in my arm.

Thank you to all who know, who care, who now understand better.  You are all loved.  I am, often, amazed at how many wonderful friends I have here.  It is something I don’t mind being surprised at.

Namaste,

Scott

 

You Died – a poem

You Died

by Scott L Vannatter

June 28, 2019

You died.

Nothing ever tore at my soul as much.

Life nearly ceased to be; peace did so.

Could the anguish of one thing really

devastate so much the core of my being?

You died.

And a part of me, hidden deep within,

shuddered and paled, the life blood leaving

the shell of a man to hold up the gates of life.

You died.

The very love-sense which made me that special

type of human, one who loved, ran, fleeing to parts

of the darkest forest imaginable, cowering in the roots

of the deep tree in which the forest began

those many eons ago.

You died.

My life cannot continue with this path

set before me; the one which sees you with every breath

and pushes you out when I, exhausted, lie down to sleep.

Sleep has no meaning; I wake the same, rotting.

You died.

At least, that’s what I tell myself

as you live your life, calmly, without me.

I am undone as are all whose love never knew

fruition truly.

One who never spoke, and now, never will.

I sit here in my shorts, sans top, sans socks, and stare at my computer.  Fresh from the shower, I decided THIS might be the best time. I have said this several times in the last few weeks.  I wrote my last post here a few days shy of Memorial Day this year.  After reading several other bloggers talking about the holiday, I decided to let my own self out for a walk.  Last year marked the first Memorial Day since Dad’s death that previous July.  This year marks the first Memorial Day with Sis gone AND Dad gone.  I admit it has been hard for me.  But, I cannot imagine how hard it is for Mom.  This is not what I sat down to write, but … here it is. As my friend says, “It is what it is.”

I don’t want sadness or pity or anger or whatever else you think is in me relieved.  I am okay with their deaths, not the best timing for Mom and I, but we really can’t say that for many years to come.  But, there are things that CAN be said.

One is that I am now much more alone than I was.  No Dad, no Sis, no girlfriend, my daughter is very busy at a wonderful job, and my son is in Oregon also with a good job.  I not only don’t blame those last two, I am happy for them.  Truth is I have always been a loner. It has seldom bothered me to be by myself; I don’t get lonesome.  And now, now with the Internet and all, I have little reason to ever be lonely or alone.  I am a blogger, have many blogger friends, some of whom I consider VERY GOOD friends.  I do see good friends here, too.  One buddy from high school, one person who is now a friend who took over the job when I left the courthouse years ago and was introduced by my boss there, is also a good friend as is the boss.  I email, chat, phone, write, meet.  In essence, I do all you can do to not be alone, not be lonely.  But, having half your family gone is rough whether you spent a lot of time with them or not.  I am only glad that I was in a good place with both of them when it happened.

Mom and I now see or, at least, talk daily.  We go out to eat, visit doctors, stylists, get groceries, and discuss things.  We try not to get caught up in picking on each other or driving each other crazy by suggesting the other one do things…but it happens.  I want her to get a problem checked out; she wants me to do such and such.  Yeah, it happens.  But, each night we part or hang up saying, “I love you” and “See or talk to you tomorrow.”  Both of us are smart enough to know that the last statement won’t be true someday.  There will come that time when… But, it isn’t right now, so we say it.

This was nothing like I intended to do for a post…but “it is what it is.”

And what is it?  In my new life philosophy, “Perfect”. All things are because they all work out in the end and helped to make that end happen.

There’s one to “put in your pipe and smoke it.”  Wonder where and why that one came about?  Could google it, but that is, already, becoming/become one itself…

“Google it!” or “I don’t have time to Google an answer.”

But, if you did…

Namaste,

Scott

Memorial and Beyond

I have never really spent much of a Memorial Day at the cemetery.  That’s not to say I don’t remember my family and friends no longer physically with us; I just don’t.

Yesterday was different.  Yesterday many things happened.  I was in the hospital Thursday evening into the wee hours (6p-5a) of Friday morning.  I slept most of Friday and was careful the rest of the day with whatever went into my stomach.  But, Saturday I went to a movie with a good friend, ate at my beloved Cracker Barrel (carefully), and stopped by Mom’s to check on her.  I intended to only stay a bit, but she and I started talking and, before we knew it, we were at the cemetery taking care of Sis, Dad, Mom’s parents and my Great Aunt and Uncle. All were lain straight in a row. We put up flags and such.  It became a part of the rest of the cemetery, all alight with the best plastic flowers, cloth flags, and  even some metal pots of memorial bouquets.  The once-solemn and mostly green plots lit up with brightness, sending joy to those empty bones lying below, but also being noticed by their souls surrounding all of us.  It was nice.  I took a moment and remembered.  I will try to remember it next year as well.  In fact, perhaps, more often when I feel the need for nonjudgmental company.

Speaking of judgments, I have to mention that very early today (Sunday) I received notice that a short story I wrote for a person on fiverr.com was accepted for publication. No money involved, just a complimentary issue, but published nonetheless. It has been a memorable weekend.

Namaste,

Scott

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