I am Learning about Me and, sometimes, It’s Sad.

I was reading a post by resilientheart.  In it, she speaks of an article on Dementia.  It is an excellent article (click on the word for the article) and I encourage you to read it.  She said it was beautiful and, perhaps, it is.  I came away from it sad, but not for the reasons anyone would think of after reading it.  At least, I doubt it.

This is a more difficult post for me to write.  It’s not particularly funny, nor does it lift up spirits, mine or yours.  As I am writing this, I get sad.  I guess I can hope it is life pointing me in the right direction, but it may also be my mind beginning to accept the life I am choosing.

I seem to be in the process of setting myself up to be rather alone in my twilight years.  I am not searching for sympathy here.  The one thing I really do for myself with this blog is share myself so that I can release a lot of it into the universe.  I am told it helps others.  That’s good; what is rough for me becomes a little easier if it lifts someone else’s burdens.

(The pic above was attached to a really good article on being alone: here it is.)

Anyway, I have set myself up.  I have guided myself to the point that I believe I no longer wish to be married, no longer have an opportunity to have someone to share with on a constant basis.  Even now, my mind is saying, “Yes, and that is a good thing.”  And, to a degree, it is.  Not the “not sharing” part, but the idea that I will be more independent and able to do the things I want to do more of without being told, “No.”

But, there is a sadness attached to this.  There is nothing wrong with being alone; however, there is something wrong with being lonely.  A man in a crowded mall can be lonely.  Lonely is when you miss having someone to talk to, someone to be around.  There is a huge difference also between sharing with a good, close friend and having someone to share your life and love with.  Nothing wrong with the good, close friend, but there are differences.

The article made me feel sad this way, I think, because I thought about what it might be like to have true Dementia.  My stroke has taken bits and pieces of my memory, but I have enough of it to be able to walk through life.  I may have to fudge a bit sometimes with some people, but it’s not usually much.  If I can’t remember something they think I should I remind them of my stroke and ask a few questions.  We can usually come to terms with it all.  But, if I could remember nothing of, say, my children’s births or growing up.  If I no longer recognized my sister or mother or father, then what do you do?  That led me off into the “you are going into a future without someone” deal.  Is that different?  Is there a way to have that life and be okay with it?  Or do you have to become a hermit?  I don’t want that.

This pic is from a site in which the person deals in pictures with all the problems and good things about being alone. I am not like that; it made me feel, somehow, better. Click on the link for the site-> Here <-

I am going to stop before this post takes off on some tangent and is no longer recognizable as what I started out.  I just wanted to share with you that, while I am positive and happy and know that God watches over me, that still doesn’t mean I never get sad.  I have changed; I am not scared; I am not nervous about it; just sad.

Does it make any sense?

Do any of you feel similar?

Does your being married cure that?



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  • lynnkelleyauthor  On March 29, 2013 at 9:09 pm

    I’m back! I just read the article about dementia that you linked to. Thanks for linking to this. I gained some valuable insight from reading that. I’m dealing with a loved one who has dementia. It’s heart breaking. Again, more mourning. Sounds like Amy Grant worked through it beautifully and has a wonderful outlook on her father’s dementia. Still, it’s very sad. That’s where our faith comes in and helps us through it. Take care, Scott.


  • susielindau  On March 29, 2013 at 8:55 pm

    Please don’t be offended, but my first reaction is you may be having your man period. You sound like me when I’m hormonal and Danny gets like that too, only more rarely.
    It does sound like a solitary life that you are choosing, but you don’t have to be pragmatic, instead leave the door open, just in case…
    Thanks for bringing this link to the party! I hope you find lots of new friends. There are many new faces!


    • kindredspirit23  On March 29, 2013 at 9:54 pm

      Not offended at all. I have considered that possibility as I tend to get this way about 2-3 days every couple of months. This time I chose to post about it while it was occurring.
      Thanks for the advice.


  • lynnkelleyauthor  On March 29, 2013 at 8:54 pm

    Scott – This is such a poignant post, and I think many people can relate to what you’re feeling. I’m wondering if you’re going through the mourning process of sorts. It seems that any time I have a loss in my life (not necessarily the death of a friend or loved one), I go through a mourning process. If you were married many years, you may be mourning the loss of the life you once had, which has changed. Even though you made this choice, it’s still a loss.

    Having a stroke and losing even a little bit of memory can cause a person to mourn that loss. Same with becoming disabled in some way. Life changes and we have to adjust, painful as it is. I think the mourning process is a blessing once we’ve gone through it and accept life as it is after a loss.

    I know many people who live alone and are happy. I think you’ll adjust to your new status and be at peace. I’m glad your stroke was minor. I never would have guessed you’d had a stroke. Your writing is excellent. Thank you for opening up in this post. The online community is wonderful and I’ve made lifelong friendships through blogging.


    • kindredspirit23  On March 29, 2013 at 9:53 pm

      I hear and understand what you are saying. My marriage is not being mourned as both were joys to be out of, the second more so than the first. I could be mourning the loss of the life I had before the stroke, It is a better life in many ways now, but still, I enjoyed volleyball and being able to travel as I pleased, so perhaps.
      I do need to tell you that my stroke wasn’t minor. I had a major hemorrhagic stroke and died on the table. You can thank God, great family, great hospital staff, and great therapy specialists for how I am now. Plus I put up one whale of a fight to stick around.
      I am also so glad you have made such strong friends in blogging. I hope we can be such friends. You are intelligent and just the type of person I enjoy knowing here.
      Welcome to my world,


  • Viveka  On March 29, 2013 at 1:42 pm

    I have never been married and it have never been in my plans neither, because very few has proven to me that it’s something that works. None of my friends are married to the same partner … and my mum married 4 times and never found what she was looking for. I like being alone .. I like my own company. Have my friends and without them I would be very lonely and sad, but I don’t really missing a partner as such. Very interesting post. There is loneliness and there is loneliness.


    • kindredspirit23  On March 29, 2013 at 7:54 pm

      That is true. I don’t so much miss it now. I go through times (several days every couple of months) where I get lonely and would like someone in my life. I also know that if I wait, it will pass and I will be able to feel more “normal.”
      Thanks for commenting.


  • Coleen Patrick  On March 29, 2013 at 1:20 pm

    Nice to meet you Scott-thanks for stopping by my site. I was just thinking about the topic of sharing and venting in regards to blogging today–specifically how much is okay?. I’m always in awe at other’s expression. I think that there’s always someone out there that can identify with our feelings, and in some way feel a little less alone. Thanks for sharing, Scott.


    • kindredspirit23  On March 29, 2013 at 7:56 pm

      You are right. I think the amount of sharing and venting can be figured by two things:
      1) sharing – what you are comfortable with
      2) venting – what others are comfortable with – do they comment? do they help?
      I think the key is to not do it all the time. I try to vary the content in my posts and people seem to like that.
      Thanks for stopping by; I hope I see you again,


  • Scott – This is a well written and sensitive blog. As you know, I’ve had a lot of time to think during my time of recovery. It’s interesting to me the places the mind travels when faced with our own mortality. Memory is a fragile state of being and we first met when I blogged about my husband’s 55 year memory loss due to a medical procedure.


  • Marisa  On March 27, 2013 at 10:04 pm

    A genuine, and heartfelt post. I think it’s good for us all to not only “vent” some of these feelings sometimes, but also read them, and acknowledge certain things within ourselves and others around us. I loved this line, and believe it whole-heartedly: “There is nothing wrong with being alone; however, there is something wrong with being lonely”

    I can’t offer much incite, being as I’ve never been married myself, but I do believe that everyone, single, married, young, old, male, female all have similar feelings at various points in their lives. I’m not saying that makes things any better, or worse, just somewhat more, equal??

    Anyway, thanks again for sharing. Everyday I’m more and more amazed to be welcomed into slivers of the lives of so many beautiful people in this online community. Today I feel as though you’ve shared this piece of yourself with us. Thank you for that. The act itself, is special.


    • kindredspirit23  On March 27, 2013 at 10:32 pm

      You relieved some of my … sadness/loneliness simply by putting me as part of this online community and you being happy to a part of it too. I can’t say how much this group of people (growing number weekly for me) has helped me through what could have been some really tough times. And, I am pleased to say that some have said the same of me.
      I enjoy this entire cross/world together group we have and it is special. You are very welcome to it Marisa. I, for one, am glad to have your voice here.


      • Marisa  On March 28, 2013 at 8:08 am

        A mutual feeling for sure 🙂 Have a wonderful day Scott!


  • Penny Lynn  On March 27, 2013 at 7:52 am

    Hmmmm,My husband & I were 45 when he passed. i’m now in my retirement years and never found time to remarry. As I am now “Slowing Down as fast as I can” I am _dealing with the guilt that I may have been a bad example for my children, When people ASK (!) me why I’m not married I say that I’ve become
    too excentrice…:-) odd. “f I can’t sleep I get up & do laundry etc. ” I reply…..and then I smile..sweetly & walk away.


    • kindredspirit23  On March 27, 2013 at 9:20 am

      I often now get up after 5-6 hours of off/on sleep, eat, check email and blog, the go back to bed for about 3 hours. Seems to work for me often.
      I doubt you were a bad example for your children. Be a great example now, show them it gets good even in the retirement years!


  • Larry  On March 26, 2013 at 7:19 pm

    Your post saddens me, too. I wish i had some great wisdom for you, but i don’t. You say you have set yourself up to be alone, able to do as you please without someone telling you “no”. On the one hand that sounds great, on the other it sounds lonely (not just being alone). There is a price we pay for everything in life. In marriage the price for companionship is the occasional “no” that you refer to. I suspect if you meet the right woman you will want to marry and accept the price tag of the occasional “no”. But if you don’t find her you will still have the independence you seem to value very much. So maybe it’s a win after all . Either way you can have at least half of what you want. And that doesn’t sound so bad, does it? 😉

    It’s funny, I started off feeling sad about this topic but now that I have thought it through via the process of writing I don’t feel sad any more!!!

    Sorry if I took up too much space here.


    • kindredspirit23  On March 26, 2013 at 11:05 pm

      You certainly didn’t take up too much space and what you said is so very true. When someone was playing a volleyball game I was in and they did something that cost a point, I always told them, “look, no matter what you do 1/2 the people here will be happy with you.”
      They would, usually, smile. I need to think of it that way. I will not be sad long; it changes; I just wanted to write this time instead of trying to just get over it. People need to know and to hear that side of me as well.


      • Larry  On March 27, 2013 at 12:38 am

        OMG!!! I literally laughed out loud when I read what you said to your volleyball teammate!!! A good laugh is good for the soul. Thanks! 🙂

        Speaking of souls, thank you for sharing yours so candidly. It is refreshing when someone gets real.


  • Linda Stapleton de Martinez  On March 26, 2013 at 5:46 pm

    Thanks once again for your transparency and honesty, Scott, and for being willing to go into potentially dark areas. I have been more lonely in a bad marriage when I was over dependent than I have been living alone when I was more at peace with myself. I am once again married, which brings a different set of challenges, but I find that if I can rest in God’s presence, I’m never really alone whether there are other people around or not.


    • kindredspirit23  On March 26, 2013 at 11:03 pm

      I agree with that. God makes a huge difference. He is there even when others are shaking their heads and walking away.


  • Indira  On March 26, 2013 at 2:04 pm

    I’m feeling sad after reading this.I’m confused in this matter, if one is afraid of loneliness, then one has to compromise too much .Its like depending too much on others happiness. In marriage so much depends on your spouse, compatibility, compassion etc otherwise again you feel lonely. But dementia is horrible. we will be lost without our memories. Expressing my views is very difficult for me.Blessings.


    • kindredspirit23  On March 26, 2013 at 2:10 pm

      Your views came through, Indira, I was just writing my thoughts and feelings. The sadness I have is temporary. It passes and moves on to better things. This time I just decided to write on it.
      Thank you for expressing your feelings.


  • Resilient Heart  On March 26, 2013 at 12:51 pm

    Hi Noble-Heart Scott, I’m sorry my post brought sadness. It is good to ventilate feelings, as a remarkable counselor once told me, there is ‘motion’ in emotions and it’s okay to feel the feelings. (That was an a-ha moment for me, as a religious family we did a LOT of stuffing emotions, never talking, etc.)

    I think it’s just real important to keep your heart open to whatever this beautiful Universe wishes to send your way.

    Your friend on the path of bravery and noble-hearts,
    RH 🙂


  • bobmielke  On March 26, 2013 at 10:13 am

    I’ve been married and divorced 3 times. My last wife did manage to teach me a valuable lesson in life, there’s a big difference between being alone & being lonely. Now single again I doubt I’ll ever be lonely again. I’ve learned to fill my life surrounded by people I like and drop the rest. I do get depressed at time but that’s primarily because of stress. Life works if you just give it a chance. – Bob


  • behindthemaskofabuse  On March 26, 2013 at 1:14 am

    It depends on the marriage I think. If it’s good yes, but who knows a mate could be taken in an instant right? Hubby and I talk sometimes about not having kids and therefore no one in our old age to look after us. I can’t go there much, I just don’t know what the future holds so I try to take one day at a time.
    I’m sorry your sad right now.


    • kindredspirit23  On March 26, 2013 at 10:20 am

      Then, it’s good to know God watches out for all of us.
      My daughter tells me she intends to take care of me when I grow old and whatever. I hope it isn’t necessary, but it’s nice to know.


  • Aspergers Girls  On March 25, 2013 at 11:22 pm

    My laptop is acting up… it wouldn’t post my long comment…. bummer. In short, yes; it is the human condition. Marriage can help, gives one that sense of having a best friend there when needed. But YOU have a special lady waiting for you out there; if not marriage, then maybe companionship. Thank you for sharing your sadness; it gives the rest of us freedom to do so. 🙂 blessings.


    • kindredspirit23  On March 26, 2013 at 12:19 am

      You are welcome. I don’t mind sharing the sadness with this group. You and the rest are wonderful people and I feel free to express whatever I am feeling. More so than the people around me, most of the time.
      I hope there is a special lady out there. It would take one right now.
      I have a special friend to see movies with and have dinner, but not quite the same.
      Perhaps, though, it will be enough when set against the other items I mentioned.


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