What’s “in Store” for Us?

Mom and I spend a decent amount of time together.  She having lost her Husband of around 6 decades and her daughter of late 50’s, and I having lost my father and sister, do truly need to rely on each other many times.  I realize that she is my only original family left, and she, I feel, is worried I might die before her.  She has some vision problems and arthritis, so I take her to supper, often at Cracker Barrel, and to the grocery when that merits the time.  I call each night to check on her.  So, us being out together is nothing new.

Earlier (is it really 12;11 AM?) we trudged off, first to the hospital for her therapy, then to Meijer (super store) for groceries.  I know this Coronavirus is a serious thing, but OMG!  there were so many people there and their carts were so empty as compared to normal.  We began shopping and I soon saw the reason.  The shelves had very little on them.  I am used to having to do without a couple of items or get other brands when that works, but milk?  I know I get Unsweetened Almond Milk, but I had to buy a brand I had never noticed before and got the last three 1/2 gallon containers.  I don’t eat much meat, but the ground beef section was completely empty!  Not only that, but they had about 5-6 cashiers besides the DIY belts and all those 5-6 had around 4-6 people with, finally, full carts.  I bought some things that I really didn’t need right now because, well, what if?

People were not as happy as normal and were all-consumed with buying.  I was careful not to get in anyone’s way, but, often, found the aisles blocked by those who had left their carts in the middle of the aisle to get something or where there was a cart next to another going the other way.

I had so much trouble trying to get the milk and then, it happened.  A man came up behind me as I was stepping back and said, “I saw you having some trouble and wanted to know if I could help?”  I said, “No thanks.” and we shared a word or two before he and the woman he was with went on their way.

It was just plain nice that, in that mess, someone wanted to help a stranger.  And who is stranger than me? huh?

The world can be a messy ordeal, but there are those moments to remember…

Namaste,

Scott

Friday Fictioneers – “I Spy” Rated PG13

This has been a rough week to do things online for me.  Rochelle gives us Friday Fictioneers.  My story is below the prompt.  The rest are > HERE < Enjoy!!!

Source: PHOTO PROMPT – Copyright Janet Webb Click Pic for Page.

“I Spy”

By Scott L Vannatter – 100 words

Hal looked intently through the flower at the window. The ice dripping from the flower went unnoticed by his, usually, keen eyes. He was looking for Chandra.

He could just make out her form dusting the furniture in her house. He wished it was his house.

“Watcha doin’, Mister?” Hal jumped and fell rump first in the melting snow and the mud.

Getting up he looked the boy over.

“Why did you scare me like that?”

“Was getting ready to go in and saw ya starin’.”

“That’s your house? Your mom is… Chandra?”

“Yup.”

Had it really been that long?

__________________________________

Namaste,

Scott

I am Learning about Me and, sometimes, It’s Sad.

I was reading a post by resilientheart.  In it, she speaks of an article on Dementia.  It is an excellent article (click on the word for the article) and I encourage you to read it.  She said it was beautiful and, perhaps, it is.  I came away from it sad, but not for the reasons anyone would think of after reading it.  At least, I doubt it.

This is a more difficult post for me to write.  It’s not particularly funny, nor does it lift up spirits, mine or yours.  As I am writing this, I get sad.  I guess I can hope it is life pointing me in the right direction, but it may also be my mind beginning to accept the life I am choosing.

I seem to be in the process of setting myself up to be rather alone in my twilight years.  I am not searching for sympathy here.  The one thing I really do for myself with this blog is share myself so that I can release a lot of it into the universe.  I am told it helps others.  That’s good; what is rough for me becomes a little easier if it lifts someone else’s burdens.

(The pic above was attached to a really good article on being alone: here it is.)

Anyway, I have set myself up.  I have guided myself to the point that I believe I no longer wish to be married, no longer have an opportunity to have someone to share with on a constant basis.  Even now, my mind is saying, “Yes, and that is a good thing.”  And, to a degree, it is.  Not the “not sharing” part, but the idea that I will be more independent and able to do the things I want to do more of without being told, “No.”

But, there is a sadness attached to this.  There is nothing wrong with being alone; however, there is something wrong with being lonely.  A man in a crowded mall can be lonely.  Lonely is when you miss having someone to talk to, someone to be around.  There is a huge difference also between sharing with a good, close friend and having someone to share your life and love with.  Nothing wrong with the good, close friend, but there are differences.

The article made me feel sad this way, I think, because I thought about what it might be like to have true Dementia.  My stroke has taken bits and pieces of my memory, but I have enough of it to be able to walk through life.  I may have to fudge a bit sometimes with some people, but it’s not usually much.  If I can’t remember something they think I should I remind them of my stroke and ask a few questions.  We can usually come to terms with it all.  But, if I could remember nothing of, say, my children’s births or growing up.  If I no longer recognized my sister or mother or father, then what do you do?  That led me off into the “you are going into a future without someone” deal.  Is that different?  Is there a way to have that life and be okay with it?  Or do you have to become a hermit?  I don’t want that.

This pic is from a site in which the person deals in pictures with all the problems and good things about being alone. I am not like that; it made me feel, somehow, better. Click on the link for the site-> Here <-

I am going to stop before this post takes off on some tangent and is no longer recognizable as what I started out.  I just wanted to share with you that, while I am positive and happy and know that God watches over me, that still doesn’t mean I never get sad.  I have changed; I am not scared; I am not nervous about it; just sad.

Does it make any sense?

Do any of you feel similar?

Does your being married cure that?

Namaste,

Scott

School Poetry 4

School Poetry 4

This is the last in the series of poems I found that was written by me with my students in class (they were to be writing their own).  Thank you for allowing me to share these.

To Helen

By Scott L Vannatter 05/04/07

Glorious person, she who brightened the

darkness with the touch of fingers

gliding softly over small bumps of paper.

Brought to life through the palms of friendship.

Voice of silence cutting through the fog,

echoes across chasms of ignorance

casting hope.

–

Ode to Lycanthrope

By Scott L Vannatter 05/04/07

Tight sinews launch him through the night,

claws crimson from the fight.

Hunger driving, thirst for blood

sniffing among the grass and mud.

–

Fur matted with dirt and sweat,

rain dropping, adding to the wet.

The stealth and power belie his age,

his mind still sharp; his knowledge sage.

–

His foe defeated, on the ground so still,

the King, still King, will eat his fill.

When at long last his life is done,

his future prey will slow, little reason to run.

___

Namaste,

Scott

Happy, but Unpopular

My basic attitude as you know if you follow me here is that “Everything works together in the end; if it hasn’t worked out, it isn’t the end.”

This sounds all nice and fluffy, but think of the ramifications of it:

First, that means though I do complain at times, I shouldn’t as it will work out.

My problem there is not that I don’t believe it will work out, but more that I am just tired and don’t want to take the time and effort for it to work out.

It’s the same with exercise conditioning. There is no worse time in exercise than when you are trying to initially work up to something. I got to the point (at 33) where I could play volleyball, hard, for 2-3 hours.

It was not that way when I began playing. I would huff and puff after a short time and not be able to move as effectively after the first hour. So, the initial effort was very difficult and posed a problem for me.

It’s the same with looking at all situations and knowing they will work out. Knowing is an entirely new thing, too, by the way. It is different from just having the belief. If you know it will work out, the worry is much less than when you believe it will work out.

I have seen some really horrible things work out in the end. If I hadn’t seen these things it would be much more difficult for me to believe. I think you have to pass from just saying the words to hoping for the words, to believing in the words to knowing the words.

Next, it is difficult because people may get angry at you if you spout off how their problems will work out.

Check out Sam’s post that is the reason for this one.  Many people like to complain and expect you to sympathize with them.  I have trouble with that because I feel comfortable that it will work out.  That doesn’t mean I am an unsympathetic bastard.  It just means that, while I do feel sorry that they have to go through this ordeal, I also know it will work out.

Actually, that makes it easier if I remind myself that what I am sorry about is that they have to go through this (or they wouldn’t).   I also have to remind myself that they may never truly understand why this happened and why it was necessary.  Now, that is the difficult one.

You see, my beliefs are that, if you don’t learn, then something else has to happen to get you where you need to be.  Point being my stroke.  I don’t think I had to have the stroke in order to learn what I now know for sure.  It’s more that I believe that God kept showing me and showing me lesser ways to learn and I insisted on not learning what I knew was needed.  I believe the time finally came when the only thing that was going to teach me was the stroke experience.

It has worked and I am now on the mend in a lot of ways.  What I get a lot of times now are people who are amazed at how positive I am over all of this.  They seem to understand it (I believe it is a chance for them to learn without having to go through more), but they don’t always see it as something that works in their lives, too.

A lot of them think how special I am because I can do this.  They (you) can do it too.  It is a matter of realizing that God is all love and, therefore, seeks to show us how to be happy and satisfied with what we have.

(spoiler) ->  You know, as much as the movie “Trust” bothered me, it did end on a good note – Dad / daughter starting to learn what they needed to know to continue.

We are learners by nature.  It is when we stop learning that the real problems begin.  Life is simply changing all the time.  It isn’t going from bad to good to fair to horrible; it is just life; it is just changing.

The process of the changing are to help us grow.  I have a lot of goals in life now.  They were dreams; now, they are goals.  The difference is that, now, I really believe I will reach them all.  I am not sure how or when, but that they will come to pass is something I am becoming ever so much more certain of.

I choose, not I hope.  There is tremendous difference to those two statements.  I read somewhere that the last evil out of Pandora’s Box was hope.

Hope was supposed to be horrible because it made you believe in something without it ever coming to pass.  Now, see, I don’t believe that.  I believe that hope stands in place of belief which stands in place of knowing.  One should lead to another.  I think that blind hope; hope without chance of belief or knowing is not really true hope.  What I think hope should do is propel you forward so that you see how things hoped for can come to pass so you can believe in that and come to know it.

I think I will stop here as I have given enough to keep us all thinking and learning and commenting – please comment.  I love hearing what you have to say and think on these things.  Even if you get off track of what I am saying, you are still on track for what you are thinking – and I am interested.

Namaste,

Scott